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If you want to be happy with your partner, start with loving yourself. Why you should not sacrifice your own interests and desires for the sake of another, and how to improve relationships by allowing yourself a healthy egoism?
We all want love, we dream of being happy in a relationship. And even if at the moment you are sure that you are better off alone, even if you decide that relationships are a complete pain, all the same, in the depths of your soul, there is probably a hope for happiness together. That’s the way we are. Being happy and living in love is the norm for any of us.
Unfortunately, many relationships are unhappy. Someone suffers for years because of the domestic «cold war» with a once loved and close person. Some people try their best to be comfortable and nice, but still don’t get any return. And someone proudly declares: “I don’t need anyone,” and at the same time cries into the pillow at night from pain and loneliness …
Why do we suffer instead of love?
A huge role in the formation of suffering is played by our culture, in which it is customary to be good — first of all for others. Therefore, in the minds of most people in the post-Soviet space, love is equal to sacrifice. We were told from childhood: “You can’t be so selfish”? “If you think about yourself, no one will love you”? “Love is when you try for others”? «Do unto others as you would like them to do unto you.»
Nobody wants to be bad for others. But women especially suffer from such ideas, because they are also told: “You are a girl, you must give in, be kind, endure …” As a result, people grow up who, deep down, are sure that they should satisfy their needs last. First, everyone around needs to be helped, to give everything, to satisfy everyone, and then they will definitely satisfy and love you yourself.
What is the result? Shattered destinies, betrayals, addictions and psychosomatic illnesses, anxiety disorders and depression. So the circuit is not working.
If an adult is not able to take care of his comfort, he will be constantly in short supply. And when we do not feel pleasure, satisfaction, joy and love for our lives, then where will the love for others come from? Thus, two paths of suffering are formed, which replace each other.
Pain, loneliness and imaginary strength
First way: On the «rake» of pain
- Step 1. “I feel hungry and empty, I want love from a partner, so I need to try for him. I don’t have time for myself.»
- Step 2. “Here I will sacrifice myself, and others will love me and fill me with happiness,” a person devastates his resources even more.
- Step 3. «I see that others take everything for granted, make a scandal or suffer, and not get what I expected.»
- Step 4. «I am helpless and dependent» — a person suffers and is offended.
So step by step it is easy to come into a co-dependent relationship, and not to healthy feelings of love and affection.
The second way: By the «rake» of loneliness and imaginary strength:
- Step 1. A person makes a decision: “That’s it! I am tired of problems and suffering, I will do everything on my own.
- Step 2. There is a depreciation of the partner: “I told you, they are all like that. Everyone offends me, no one tries to win me over.
- Step 3. Feels lonely: “I am like a solid wall. That’s it, I don’t need anyone»
As you can see, this is the path to a counter-dependent relationship. A person can choose these two paths in turn throughout his life. And it happens that people «exchange» them in a pair, more and more hurting each other. This leads to a break and the search for a new partner. Partners change, time goes by, but love never comes instead of these “swings”.
The main mistake is that a person goes into a relationship without being in a resourceful state. We can share in them with a partner only what we ourselves are filled with.
The basic idea of painful love is that happiness and love can only be obtained from the other, that they cannot be found within oneself. So two hungry children come into a relationship, torment each other with demands. And healthy love can arise only if you are in order, and the partner is in order, if both of you accept and understand yourself, know how to take care of yourself.
This is self love. Knowledge and acceptance of yourself plus responsible, caring actions aimed at the development of both yourself and your couple. So, in order to become happy in a couple, everyone is simply obliged to become, in a sense, an egoist.
What is healthy selfishness
Healthy selfishness is knowing your values, boundaries, and needs, taking care of yourself, and taking responsibility for your life.
If we are internally filled, if we have the skills to take care of ourselves, then we can fill both ourselves and our partner with love. This will be the healthy love of adults who share with respect for themselves and others. Just imagine how much we can give each other if we ourselves live happily and fully, if we develop, if we are healthy and physically? and morally. If this is about you — you are just a gift of fate!
How can you help yourself become selfish?
Start with simple daily actions:
- Body care. Your sleep, nutrition and movement should always come first. Write in the plan of each working and weekend day what will make your body healthy, and you yourself — happy and contented. And between these entries, already plan to help others, work, dates.
- Caring about your plans and values. Get to know yourself, ask yourself questions about what is important to you. Decide what you want out of life and create dreams for yourself. Every day take at least one small step in the direction of your desires.
- Keep a balance of tension and relaxation. If you feel tired from communication or business, take a break of at least 10 minutes to recover. You can take a walk or listen to a recording with auto-training.
- If you do not want to communicate with someone or do something, learn to say «no».
A newly minted egoist needs to master many different skills in order to become a happy person in a relationship. However, the first thing to start with is to overcome the fear of being rejected. Take the first small steps towards self-respect. And be sure to pay attention to the positive feedback that your soul and body will give. I am sure that soon you will notice that the respect of others in relation to you is growing.
Gradually, fear will be replaced by love. Is that what you wanted? Enjoy!