Become more confident in sex

It is difficult for a self-confident person to understand someone who does not trust himself, is afraid of intimacy and is convinced that only those who have a perfect body can receive and give pleasure … But many of us feel that way.

“Whether we dare to meet another, whether we dare to enter into intimate contact with him, largely depends on our self-confidence,” explains gynecologist Elena Egorova. “But in order for this meeting to truly enter our lives, each of the partners must have enough trust in himself in the sexual area – trust in his body, his ability to give and receive pleasure.”

It is not necessary to have a perfect body in order to love yourself and be free, but not loving it creates an internal conflict that, over time, blocks the fragile mechanism of desire and pleasure.

Women are especially vulnerable. “In order to feel sexually confident, a woman needs to feel wanted and to know that she is loved,” says family therapist Inna Khamitova. “If this does not happen, she begins to look at herself too critically and even ruthlessly, constantly comparing herself with the standard of beauty accepted in society – often not in her favor.”

Men are somewhat easier: they are more likely to focus not on the impression they make on their partner, but on the size of their genitals, erections and the duration of sexual intercourse.

“One of my friends once told me: “You are a super lover because you are not a standard,” says 34-year-old Igor. – I was very confused by the second part of this phrase. I thought that I didn’t know something about myself, I started doing funny things: I searched the Internet for information about the size of the penis, compared these numbers with my parameters, and even almost went to the urologist! Now I try to remember only the first part of the phrase, but I experience much more than before during each love date.

“In order to feel confident, it is sometimes enough for a man to be attuned to the physiology of the process,” comments sexologist Boris Egorov, “but this can be hindered by unconscious or conscious experiences, including the need to feel superior, unwillingness to become dependent on a woman or demonstrate weakness. These experiences lead to insecurity, and in order not to show it, a man may even refuse to have sex.”

Do not dramatize your sexuality

To be in harmony with your body, to learn to love it for the special sensations that it gives – this is the path chosen by 36-year-old Victoria. “I really was sure that only a very sexy woman can become an unforgettable lover, but this is not given to me,” she says. “But two years ago I went to a fitness club and started exercising just to get to know my body better. I really felt that it lives, breathes, vibrates. Soon I met a man who, for the first time in my life, told me that he had never met such a sensual woman, feeling so harmoniously in her body. What a beautiful revenge for years of prohibition and timidity!”

But in order to achieve sexual self-confidence, it is not enough to feel your body – you also need to know that the best companions along the way will be imagination, curiosity and … frivolity.

“We forget too often that sexuality is invented by two people, without a predetermined program. This is a common creativity, which is born from the game, experiments, emotions, – reminds Inna Khamitova. “At the same time, the more we try to impress a partner, the less we listen to our desires and the less we give ourselves to another.”

Be prepared to be surprised

“Constant thoughts about one’s sexual abilities, the desire to demonstrate oneself often speak of an inability to relax,” says Boris Egorov. “If during sexual intimacy you do not attach special importance to what you are doing and allow the body to play and enjoy, confidence will come faster.” Having allowed our emotions and fantasies to take precedence over reflections and “vigilance”, we stop meticulously observing ourselves, stop controlling ourselves, thus becoming freer, more confident, forgetting about anxiety.

33-year-old Valery admits: “I have repeatedly worried about being considered a bad lover, and therefore I was always in a hurry to give maximum pleasure to my partner. But with Natasha everything was different. She loves massage, kisses, caresses and at the same time does not like to rush. By slowing down the rhythm, I gradually got rid of my anxiety, discovered that the whole body can be erogenous and the sexual act itself is far from everything! I learned a lot about what turns me on and what gives me pleasure. Now I can say that I have changed a lot in sexual terms. I’m not afraid of grades anymore.”

trust another

This fear of being judged by the other person often overwhelms the desire, especially during the first meeting. How will we show ourselves? Won’t a too open manifestation of desire jar on a partner? Would he consider my restraint as coldness, my fantasies as a perversion? Behind all these disturbing thoughts there is one question: can I trust my partner? He worries us so much because we know very well that sometimes one word or look from another person is enough to feel misunderstood and underestimated.

“A good partner is someone who does not force us to take risks,” says Inna Khamitova. – He gives himself to his desire and the desire of his partner or partner. He does not have a well-thought-out plan – he leaves enough space for general creativity. And with such a person, nothing seems ridiculous, inappropriate or monotonous. “The one who treats his partner carefully,” adds Boris Egorov, “is able to help the other become sexually confident.”

The people we get intimate with behave differently and affect us in different ways, but the very fact that we have a partner can boost our self-confidence. “A timid person begins to feel better about himself when he has a partner,” says family therapist Alexander Chernikov. “He appreciates and respects himself more, and after that comes confidence.”

“Experience is also very important,” says Elena Egorova. “A person is in search, changes partners, studies the characteristics of the sexual behavior of different people, improves … And gradually gains confidence in sex.” However, Inna Khamitova warns: “Sexual experience as such (a series of changing partners) can lead to the feeling: “They are all the same!” For sexual confidence, it’s not the quantity that matters, but the experience of relationships, the ability to accept another person and yourself.”

It is in this way that prohibitions gradually melt away, and imagination and curiosity triumph over timidity and routine. 37-year-old Ksenia considered herself “too prudent in sex” until she met 30-year-old Maxim: “With him, I felt solid ground under my feet. He was both very attentive to me and very resourceful. It was then that I felt really woman and really sexy. This relationship has changed me.”

Enlighten your body

Our body remembers everything that happens to us, good and bad.

“The memory of the body really exists,” says Elena Egorova. “The more pleasant sensations our body remembers, the higher our sexual confidence: by gaining information, the body independently begins to recognize what suits it, what is good and organic for it.”

Trusting your body, your desire, your imagination is what it means to learn sexual confidence. Day after day. And night after night.