Be yourself and be beautiful

“Paradoxical” is the best definition of how women feel about their image. And although illustrated magazines and women’s websites offer more and more new diets and gymnastic exercises, and advertising praises anti-aging products, still harmony and youth are far from the main criteria by which we evaluate female beauty. A survey conducted by Tiburon Research commissioned by Psychologies showed that 77% of Russian women believe that in order to feel beautiful, it is important to “be happy”. This version of the answer markedly outperformed all the others. It turns out that the idea of ​​women about themselves primarily depends on the emotional state, on the experience of happiness. Does this mean that in the XNUMXst century women have finally freed themselves from the oppression of norms, and their growing independence is a guarantee of self-confidence? It’s not that simple. Our survey revealed three paradoxes.

Paradox one: the more women like their appearance, the more they find imperfections in themselves. This is most evident in the youngest. Among women aged 20 to 24 years, 97% consider themselves beautiful, but 71% are unhappy with any part of their body, and 75% would change something in their appearance if they had the opportunity. “The beauty industry is based on the fact that it persistently inspires potential clients with the thought of their bodily defects. Young women are less experienced and more emotional, which is why they are the most vulnerable to advertising exposure,” cultural expert Olga Vainshtein comments on the situation. Anthropologist Marina Butovskaya recalls: “20–24 years is the age of choosing a marriage partner. Men at this moment attach the greatest importance to the external attractiveness of a woman, involuntarily perceiving her as an indicator of health and high reproductive potential. Therefore, young women have to take special care of their appearance.”

Paradox two: the older women are, the less focused they are on their “shortcomings” and the less they would like to change their appearance. Among those who are 25 to 44 years old, 80% would like to change their appearance, and among those who are 45 years old and over, only 70% would like to change their appearance. Perhaps a revolution of sorts is taking place now: the idea is affirmed that maturity allows you to more accept yourself as you are. “Mature women are now much more actively enjoying life than before,” confirms Olga Weinstein. – It is no coincidence that today there are many translated novels about love in adulthood, such as “On Christmas Eve” by Rosamund Pilcher and “Grandmother Poppy” by Noel Chatelet (Word, 2002). Increasingly, fashion shows are being held with the participation of age models, for example, the show of Danish designer Karoline Kjeldtoft (Karoline Kjeldtoft). Its name “86/77/96” refers to the average measurements of an eighty-year-old woman. In contrast to the 90/60/90 standard, Kjeldtoft affirms the beauty of the body of an elderly woman.”

Paradox three: it turns out that women aged 35 to 44 experience the greatest peace of mind. 84% of them consider themselves beautiful and feel good in their body. And although they find some of its parts imperfect, however, active care of the body is called a condition of beauty by less than half of the respondents. “A woman at this age already knows how to correctly emphasize her external advantages and correct her shortcomings,” Marina Butovskaya is sure. – She selects clothes according to her figure, behaves more freely and confidently. All this contributes to good health and peace of mind. And this is felt by others, which makes women at this age more attractive interlocutors.

Dual Desires

“Duality” is the key word for understanding what women say and think about their beauty, says psychoanalyst Serge Hefez. – First of all, because when creating our image, we take into account both our own desires and the desires of others: no one ever builds himself alone. Then because women, much more than men, are torn between the desire to be themselves and the desire to be desired by another. Thus, beauty and desire turn out to be interconnected: the way others see us affects our attitude towards our image. Sometimes we will accept this image, and we will even like it, and sometimes we will reject it, hurting ourselves. “Women who come to see me seem to be torn between self-acceptance and self-denial,” says psychotherapist Michele Freud. – They say they want to be themselves, criticize diet advertising and the cult of slimness in the media, but at the same time they are ready to try any means, just to lose a couple of kilograms! The desire itself is quite legitimate, but the problem is that only one in five such women would objectively be worth losing weight. And in reality, four out of five are on a diet!”

The desire to be free from the pressure of society, while not abandoning the standard of beauty accepted in society, seems to be the trap from which most women will not get out. Participants in our survey complained about the pressure from advertising, but later it turned out that they support the most radical proposals for rejuvenation and change in appearance. They can’t part with the dream!

The tyranny of the pattern

This dream is skillfully supported by glossy magazines, advertising and cinema, gradually imposing the same model: a slender and beautiful woman. She is not necessarily young, but has the flexibility and resilience inherent in youth. The problem is not so much that the models on the catwalks are slim and beautiful, but that this image has long gone beyond fashion shows and is now offered everywhere as the only possible standard of beauty. No options: everyone is now, from the new star of the reality show to the 50-year-old housewife from the commercial.

Serge Efez believes that it is the ubiquity of this image that is harmful: “This is a denial of reality. It’s as if we were drawn to a forest where only polar bears live instead of different animals.” Such discrimination hurts women. Gestalt therapist Maria Andreeva explains: “The constant propaganda of a single model damages the self-esteem of all women, from the youngest to the oldest. Those who do not meet the given criteria are subjected to symbolic annihilation: as if they do not deserve to be looked at, to be desired.” This is confirmed by the results of a study of psychologists. And the family psychologist Inna Shifanova emphasizes that the only standard of beauty deprives women of the right to individuality: “Only a mature person with considerable inner strength is able to defend his dissimilarity to others. Societal pressure creates a vicious circle: immaturity encourages us to follow stereotypes, and the pursuit of conformity to the model leaves no time to think about our features, about our own path.

Youth is the most common goal

Maria Andreeva sees this every day at her appointment: “The pressure that women experience is constantly growing. Slenderness has become a real obsession. Weight is not necessarily associated with elegance: they often lose weight not to look better in this or that clothes, but to stop the passage of time. “Slimness has become the main indicator of youth. And to be young means to be desirable.” It also means to be in good shape, to be full of vitality. For this reason, harmony also turns into evidence of health.

But if you have to choose between “being slim” and “looking young,” the latter is more important, says Mari-Rose Tricon, marketing director of the Clarins brand: “Our research shows that most women today want to have a younger look.” face: remove wrinkles, smooth wrinkles, give the skin radiance. And although there are more and more people who support the idea of ​​“accepting yourself as you are,” however, life expectancy has increased – and this encourages us to strive to maintain beauty and health longer and fight the signs of aging more diligently.

Align internal and external

Our well-being and how we look are closely interconnected. “The lighter we feel, the more gracefully we move,” says Inna Shifanova. – And each psychological clamp is reflected in the muscles by stiffness. If we try to portray someone we are not really, it takes a lot of effort, we get tired of it. And when we are able to fully express ourselves freely, we experience a surge of energy and joy that those who are close to us also feel. And this is possible at any age. In theory, it is not difficult to achieve harmony between the external and internal, but more often women achieve this harmony largely in order to please men. “A woman who has struggled for a long time and still struggles to become a fully subject, continues to invest time and energy in being the object of desire,” emphasizes sexologist and psychoanalyst Catherine Blanc (Catherine Blanc). And it’s not hard to imagine the price to pay for it. Moreover, in Western culture, it is a young or even very young woman who is extremely highly valued! Serge Efez notes that in a situation where a love affair is broken, especially if it happens to a woman around the age of 40, “all reference points, self-confidence, the ability to accept yourself as you are collapse. At this moment of increased vulnerability, the stage of “hypernarcissism” usually sets in – an extreme focus on oneself, on one’s appearance. Every means is used to “expose oneself” again to the market of seduction.” However, there are natural boundaries here that cannot be crossed without giving up oneself. So it’s not about transforming yourself into someone else or fitting yourself into an idealized pattern, but about making the best use of your personal “capital”. Use your uniqueness. All experts say that the main trend of today is also marked by a duality: to achieve recognition of one’s uniqueness – and at the same time take care of oneself in order to live in harmony with one’s appearance and with one’s self-perception, enjoying both . It is here, one might say, at the crossroads, that Psychologies offers its own, different from others, approach to beauty. Care that benefits both the body and the soul. Understanding what feelings and unconscious motives can influence our attitude towards our appearance. And the certainty that being aware of yourself and opening your heart is what makes beauty stop being a narcissistic pleasure and become a connection that connects us to other people.