Be the best in communication

To paraphrase the Buddhist wisdom “Any opportunity is the best opportunity”, we can say: “Any relationship is the best.” After all, it is communication with others that allows us to show our best qualities, to be open and friendly.

When we consistently and calmly defend our point of view, empathize and accept others for who they are, we feel peace and confidence. This style of interaction strengthens our self-esteem and at the same time gives the opponent the opportunity to show their best side.

When we are distrustful, vindictive, aggressive, we poison the life not only of those to whom our feelings are directed, but also of ourselves. After all, negative emotions affect our mental and physical balance, which is confirmed by the research of psychiatrist David Servan-Schreiber and neuroscientist Antonio Damasio.¹.

How to show your best side? First, it is important to learn to recognize the psychological defense mechanisms that we unconsciously resort to in order to protect ourselves from unpleasant experiences, mental pain or anxiety. Here are six stages on the path to liberation.

1. Determine what role you play

Are you always ready to help and comfort those in need? Or maybe you feel rejected and abandoned? To get attention and support, we, often without knowing it, play a role. This affects the style of our relationships with others – they become sketchy, stereotypical and, of course, not satisfying.

Anyone who feels like a “victim” usually sees others as “persecutors”, a “savior” – “in distress”, and everyone, shifting responsibility to another, plays the same role, not giving or receiving anything in return .

“Ask yourself: what feelings (and situations) provoke me to play this particular role? – advises psychotherapist Boris Masterov. – In the “persecutor”, for example, the main emotion is righteous indignation; the “victim” has inner turmoil; the “savior” has pity, a sense of duty and responsibility for another … Realizing this, you can look at yourself from the outside.

Imagine your relationship – love, social, family – in the form of a movie: what character are you playing exactly? Then ask yourself what this role gives you and what limitations it imposes. Having understood this, it will be easier for you to imagine how you can realize your deepest desires by leaving the usual scenario and changing the strategy of behavior.

2. Get Your Projections Back

Your boss is a slacker, your spouse is stingy and greedy, your colleague is a greedy careerist … These ideas probably have their own reasons, but perhaps you are projecting your fears or desires onto others, attributing to them behavior or character traits that are peculiar to you and unacceptable for you .

As long as you think that everything indecent, unpleasant, shameful is present only in others, you will not be able to know the joy of real human relationships. Taking some responsibility for the difficulties in communicating with others is an important step to start changing relationships, and you feel more confident.

Understand what you are accused of: do you not want to notice something in yourself and project it onto others? It could be jealousy, envy, or a desire to control others. Try to understand what your participation in the relationship with this person is: perhaps the aggressive behavior of the opponent was a response to your aggression? Consider: perhaps your demands on others are too high.

3. Try to act

The interlocutor can both inspire and annoy, the offer of cooperation can be curious or, conversely, leave us indifferent …

Our reaction to what is happening is always spontaneous and involuntary and depends primarily on the emotions that we experience. That is why it often affects relationships not in the best way, it becomes a source of misunderstanding, resentment and conflict. At the same time, action is usually the result of our deepest needs and desires. Learn to act meaningfully, rather than reacting emotionally and spontaneously.

“Start with questions to yourself: what emotions prevail in me – delight, irritation, curiosity, gloating? – advises existential psychotherapist Svetlana Krivtsova. – What do I really need, what do I feel the need for and how best to satisfy it? Learn to say no, stop overly aggressive discussion, do not respond to the provocation of the interlocutor, give yourself time to think before accepting (or rejecting) the offer.

It is also important to learn to listen to the interlocutor without interrupting. All this will allow you to feel harmony with yourself and show the best in communicating with others.

4. Practice the art of criticism

Too often, the fear of being disliked, of provoking conflict, of causing resentment prevents us from talking about what truly hurts, hurts, or disappoints. But criticizing does not mean being aggressive. On the contrary, constructive criticism testifies to genuine feelings: “If I can tell you about what makes me feel so strong, then I care about you.”

In addition, speaking about feelings, we allow the other to change something in ourselves, which means personal development. Finally, constructive criticism is a good exercise that frees you from anger, resentment or the desire to deceive, and requires the manifestation of special qualities, such as delicacy, sincerity and empathy.

Criticism should be specific and reasoned, based on facts, concrete examples and actions. And of course, you can not criticize the personal qualities, individual characteristics of the opponent.

5. Develop the ability to empathize

The Indians say: “Before judging a man, walk all day in his moccasins.” Empathy means being able to feel the psychological state of another as if it were your own. Only such a deep and subtle understanding can prevent superficial judgments about another person.

For a moment, agree with the interlocutor, feel what emotions fill him, feel his motivation – both with your mind and heart. “Do this before you start arguing with your interlocutor,” says Svetlana Krivtsova. “Over time, you will find that your attitude towards others and towards yourself has become softer and more benevolent.”

6. Dare to trust!

You would like to trust people, but the fear of betrayal or deceit binds you. In addition, unpleasant experiences from the past or your suspiciousness can increase incredulity or make you give up another attempt.

“This is not true, because not trusting means spending a huge amount of energy on suspecting, observing, checking, waiting,” explains psychotherapist Margarita Zhamkochyan. “Which, in turn, means living in constant tension, seeing the world negatively, exhausting and poisoning yourself and your own life.”

Look for reasons to believe people, but never do it blindly. Trust others as much as you can. Try to perceive interlocutors as trustworthy until you know otherwise.

¹ D. Servan-Schreiber. “Cure stress, anxiety and depression without medication or psychoanalysis”. Pocket, 2005; A. Damasio. “Spinoza was right”. Odile Jacob, 2003