Be kind – it’s helpful!

Some see courtesy as an outdated formality, others as hypocritical obsequiousness, and still others as a neurotic desire to please everyone at once. However, by refusing to show kindness towards others, are we moving away from our true nature? The philosophy of individualism and the global cataclysms of the XNUMXth century called into question the need to actively empathize and care for others. The conclusions that follow from such a view of the world are polar: we either feel guilty because we give too little to others, or we deny the opportunity to treat others with care and attention, not wanting to sacrifice our own interests. However, there is also a fundamentally different attitude towards benevolence – as a powerful and good force, directed both outside and inside our personality.

According to the hero of Mikhail Bulgakov’s novel The Master and Margarita, the wandering philosopher Yeshua Ha-Nozri, “there are no evil people in the world.” This idea, expressed in the last century, is today confirmed by the results of scientific research. Experts in the field of evolution argue that mutual assistance, altruism and solidarity have helped humans survive as a biological species. Compassion and empathy are qualities with which we are apparently born. An experiment conducted by American psychologist Martin Hoffman as part of his study of child empathy showed that the crying of one newborn makes his neighbors in the maternity hospital cry *. This is not because they are disturbed by noise (other sounds of the same volume leave them indifferent), but because someone else’s crying makes them worry and empathize. With age, this reaction in us, alas, is often lost. Maintaining and developing the ability to respond to the feelings of another and sincerely show courtesy in communication is not easy – because the benefits from this are not obvious. However, such an effort can bring invaluable results.

It stimulates

With sincere concern, inquire about the health of a sick neighbor or help an elderly person get off the bus – such small courtesies invariably improve our mood. American psychologist Sonja Lyubomirsky attempted to measure the benefits we derive from benevolent behavior**. Sonya Lubomirsky divided the group of students into two parts: some had to regularly do “good deeds”, while others did not. The psychologist’s observations are unequivocal: the participants in the first group felt better throughout the experiment and were in a better mood than their comrades from the second group. “Indeed, a person who sincerely does good gets more love and recognition,” says Gestalt therapist Nifont Dolgopolov. “In turn, this love received from others improves the mood of the “giver”, gives him new energy, increases his self-esteem.”

It’s contagious

Smiling at an outsider – a cashier in a supermarket or a colleague in an elevator, we are very likely to get a smile in return. “Courtesy is contagious,” says psychologist-consultant Boris Masterov. “By showing benevolence, we create an amazing effect – as if, leaving the house, we create a special microclimate around us.”

However, if sincere benevolence and courtesy is a kind of mutually beneficial exchange, then why do those who are nice to others often feel slighted and even used? “I have always helped the neighbors – babysitting their children, buying food for them,” says 38-year-old Marina. “But when I needed to transport things from the dacha, they demanded money from me for gasoline!”

“Trying to be kind, you should not wait (and in this sense demand!) for this payment, and if you wait, then do not hide your own interests,” Boris Masterov warns. “In this case, there will be no self-serving insincerity in communication and you will retain self-respect.” But genuine courtesy does not involve payment. “A truly courteous person enjoys the very process of friendly communication,” says Nifont Dolgopolov, “and does not expect gratitude to follow.” Besides, true courtesy is a long-term project. “Some people will not be kind to us under any circumstances,” continues Nifont Dolgopolov. – But then we will definitely meet those who will thank us a hundredfold for kindness and respond to sympathy with equally sincere sympathy. In the end, we always get from the world what we ourselves bring into it.

It’s good for work

Kindness is, in a sense, pragmatic. “It is easier for a person who behaves courteously to build relationships at work, to achieve the adoption of the decisions he needs,” believes Boris Masterov. “Which means that in terms of career advancement, being kind and courteous is also beneficial.”

However, how can this be done in practice? “Even if a conflict arises at work and one of your bosses or colleagues behaves aggressively, it is much more useful to maintain a positive attitude towards the personality of the “rude” in general,” recommends Nifont Dolgopolov. – Remaining friendly, you will be able to offer (rather than demand – in the tone of the interlocutor) to postpone this conversation or continue it in a more acceptable form. In this way, you will disarm the aggressor and change the situation in the direction you need, and besides, most likely, you will earn the respect and gratitude of a colleague whom you will help to cope with anger.

It helps with stress

“I treat people with positive curiosity and I am not afraid that they will not understand me, harm me. As a result, most of the time I feel calm,” says 42-year-old Karina, a math teacher. In fact, her mere presence is often enough to end a quarrel between colleagues or calm down students in a class. “Courtesy and sympathy for others allow us to save a huge amount of internal energy, which otherwise we spend uselessly,” says Boris Masterov. It is enough to look at a person who is irritated at the address of another: the shoulders are tense, the face is distorted with a grimace …

Such stresses, especially if they are repeated regularly, adversely affect our health. It is no coincidence that the Swedish doctor and teacher of ethics Stefan Einhorn (Stefan Einhorn) emphasizes that people who are kind to others suffer less from depression, they have higher immunity and life expectancy ***.

It’s a spiritual experience

True benevolence can be an important spiritual experience for us. “One day a friend of mine told me that his wife was dying of cancer,” says Alena, 22. “His story shocked me to the core. I tried to support him and said that he can always count on me. Surprisingly, this experience not only did not exhaust me, but, on the contrary, allowed me to feel an exceptional intimacy with this person and, despite all the sharpness of my empathy, the fullness of being. Responding wholeheartedly to the feelings of another, choosing words or gestures that could encourage him, we not only allow him to open up to meet us, but we ourselves grow spiritually.

“By showing empathy and trying to behave with sincere benevolence, we develop the best sides of our personality, while giving others a chance to also express themselves in the most noble way,” Boris Masterov believes. In other words, while bringing considerable practical benefits, true kindness enriches our inner world and contributes to a more complete realization of our spiritual potential.

* P. Ferrucci «La forza della gentilezza». Mondadori, 2005.** S. Lyubomirsky «The How of Happiness». Penguin Books, 2007.*** S. Einhorn «The Art of Being Kind». Pegasus Books, 2007.

Two revolutions in Russian courtesy

“In the 1917th century, the rules of behavior in society in our country changed twice – in 80 and at the turn of the 90s and XNUMXs,” says Maxim Krongauz, Doctor of Philology, Director of the Institute of Linguistics of the Russian State Humanitarian University.

“In Tsarist Russia, each class had its own ideas about politeness, and there were also rules for inter-class communication. The first thing the Bolsheviks did when they got power was to introduce new addresses by decree: “gentlemen” and “madam” were replaced by the sexless “comrade”. So two tasks were solved at once – they proclaimed the equality of all classes, and also declared the equal rights of men and women. New courtesy formulas have become simpler and more democratic, covering more people. However, the Bolsheviks failed to completely erase social differences. The second coup occurred during perestroika: the address “sir” returned, some traditions of pre-revolutionary courtesy were artificially restored.

Today we are once again in the process of changing our understanding of polite communication. Appeals, greeting formulas, gratitude, apologies, as well as the situations in which they are used are changing. In general, today we can talk about some “globalization” of politeness. But the peculiarities for each country – including ours – still remain. And the politeness of each individual should be evaluated solely in the context of his own culture.

learn courtesy

“True benevolence and courtesy are not innate qualities: these properties can be learned. Of course, this is a real labor of the soul. Tune in to the fact that people are interesting in themselves, regardless of us and our realities, opinions and attitudes. And you will see people through different eyes and yourself through the eyes of others. Yes, this is a certain risk, but the one who is ready to stop focusing on himself really makes the atmosphere amiable. This will help us interact with others, be non-confrontational, and create a positive aura.”

Boris Masterov