Be jealous, but not too much!

Have you ever been tormented by suspicions that your partner is interested in someone else? Maybe it made you wary of the slightest change in his tone of voice and manner of dressing? Or note what he talks about and what he is silent about, guess what he is doing in your absence? Perhaps the anxiety intensified when he or you were on a business trip? You would like to remain a rational and calm person, but the imagination does not obey the mind.

Such experiences are familiar to many, and if jealousy is given free rein, it can destroy even the strongest and most loving union.

Cognitive psychotherapist Robert Leahy writes in his book Freedom from Jealousy that you need to understand how this feeling arises and “works”. “Jealousy is always about three people,” he explains. The one who experiences it feels threatened by a third person. Either the partner is interested in someone else, or he himself has feelings towards a person who already has a partner. And sometimes both situations occur at the same time.

Leahy identifies two types of jealousy: one is about sexual intimacy and the other is about emotional intimacy. According to him, men are more prone to the first type of jealousy, and women to the second.

But the basis is always uncertainty about the stability of relations. For example, it may arise due to the fact that for one partner the relationship is more significant than for the second, because of the difference in expectations, because of painful memories of past betrayals.

“Many people think that jealousy is associated with low self-esteem, but this is not always the case,” adds the psychotherapist. — In some cases, it is born just from high self-esteem: “I will not allow you to treat me like that!”

However, jealousy does not necessarily cause suffering, the expert emphasizes. “It’s all about the intensity of that feeling. Jealousy, if not excessive, can be an indicator of intimacy, devotion, and even love. It happens that one of us tests a partner: will he be jealous? Such small checks are quite appropriate. This is easy to explain with an example «from the opposite». Imagine your partner saying, «I don’t care if you’re sleeping with someone else.» Most likely, you will decide that he does not value the relationship, and perhaps he himself is thinking about cheating, ”says Leahy. He adds that the idea that a partner might have an affair with another is one of the most common triggers for jealousy in heterosexual men.

“Women can get jealous because of physical infidelity too, but what scares them the most is the emotional intimacy of a partner with a (potential) rival. They are afraid that he will fall in love with another.”

So, if you suffer from jealousy, is it possible to cope with it and how? Here are 5 recommendations.

• Admit to yourself that you’re feeling jealous and that it’s okay. Realize that this is a heavy feeling and it is universal.
• Analyze what actions she pushes you. Stop arranging interrogations and checks, tracking down and controlling your partner. This behavior only exacerbates the situation.
• Spend some time reflecting on how this feeling arose and is manifesting in you. I call this «time for jealousy.» If you have thoughts during the day, write them down. Devote 20 minutes a day to this introspection.
• Agree with your partner about the rules: what behavior you both consider acceptable and what is not. However, try to be flexible. Let’s say if one of you goes to dinner with your ex-spouse, won’t that make the other one jealous? It is better to talk about such things in advance.
• If all else fails, realize that, after all, life is more than that relationship. It happens that relationships deteriorate, someone deceives someone, and perhaps this simply does not suit you. You had a life before this relationship and you will after.

Source: psychologytoday.com, independent.co.uk