Contents
Trust is possible only when we do not keep a stone in our bosom and do not hide the awl in a bag. So it turns out that disagreements should not be hushed up, but discussed. Three good reasons to enter the arena to fight.
To live at peace with myself
Many of us think that differences necessarily entail disagreements. “The manifestation of differences in actions or words sometimes really leads to the fact that someone wants to remake or convince us,” says Gestalt therapist Maria Dolgopolova. – And at some point it seems to us that we are facing a dilemma: to betray our values and ideas about our personality, or to express dissatisfaction, risking losing relationships. After all, defending one’s position can lead to rejection, rejection, sometimes even to a break. And we do not want to risk what we value, and this is natural.
But if we continuously, including in acute, critical issues, choose in favor of the other, hide our differences, then we do not tell anyone about our own needs and boundaries and gradually lose touch with ourselves. This leads to the fact that we either become an eternally irritated “martyr” or fall into a depressive state.
Avoiding conflicts, we gradually and completely lose the ability to express our needs, and at the same time self-respect. Whereas along with the readiness for conflict comes understanding of oneself and awareness of one’s own value.
To maintain trust in a couple
Even if we contain discontent, it does not disappear, but accumulates. “The cellars of hidden grievances can overflow, and then the quality of the relationship will suffer, and perhaps the relationship itself will be interrupted,” continues Maria Dolgopolova. “I have met clients for whom the only way to deal with their irritation was to break up with a partner. As a result, they became like tumbleweeds in a relationship.”
The ability to openly express any emotions, including aggression, strengthens the bond with a partner. “A couple that does not forbid conflicts gains more confidence,” emphasizes psychotherapist Mikhail Dubinsky. – Moreover, the cause of the conflict does not always lie in the pair itself. In society, manifestations of aggression are taboo. For example, we do not allow ourselves to yell at colleagues or children. We can throw out this pent-up energy in a conflict with a partner. The intimacy that exists between us makes the bond stronger than other relationships and able to withstand high tension.
If the cause of the conflict is dissatisfaction with a partner, it is useful to be able to accurately express your feelings.
Moreover, direct expression of taboo feelings also frees up sexual impulses and can ignite love passion. But “in a healthy relationship, the roles of attacker and defender are not fixed, but constantly changing, both partners take turns in them,” the psychotherapist emphasizes.
And if the cause of the conflict is dissatisfaction with a partner, it is useful to be able to accurately express your feelings. “In couples psychotherapy, there is the concept of a “noisy message”, when partners exchange words and even feelings, but it is impossible to understand who is talking about what, says Maria Dolgopolova. “And since it’s not clear what it’s about, then it’s impossible to agree.”
An example of such a noisy message is the phrase “You don’t appreciate me.” The usual reaction is defense (“It’s not true!”) Or counter aggression (“You won’t get a good word from you either!”). “We will resolve such a conflict only when we find out what specific events caused this experience,” explains Maria Dolgopolova. For example, if this phrase belongs to a woman, she could say: “It’s hard for me to plan a weekend if you change our plans at the last moment. I am upset. Let’s set Thursday as the day we finalize the deal. And we will change something only in emergency cases.
Are you a highly conflicted person?
Some of us, by nature, inevitably cause outbreaks of conflict. Family mediator Bill Eddy developed the concept of “high conflict personalities”. Here are their signs:
- Their reasoning is built on the principle of “all or nothing”.
- They have absolutely no control over their emotions.
- They have an extreme and threatening demeanor.
- They shift responsibility for their problems to others, looking for (and finding) a scapegoat that they seek to control, eliminate, or destroy.
- Any criticism only strengthens their resistance to change and makes their behavior even more extreme.
In most situations of domestic violence or conflicts between neighbors, just such explosive personalities are involved, says Bill Eddy. These “conflict professionals” are definitely worth avoiding.
To negotiate with others
“While avoiding conflict, the balance between my investments in the group and what I receive from it may be upset,” Mikhail Dubinsky explains. “Irritation and resentment speak of violation, and if these signals are ignored, someone begins to exploit others, which leads to inefficiency and the collapse of the system, since those who suffer perceive others as enemies and lose involvement in working for the benefit of the group as a whole.” .
The habit of being open about our needs allows us to be more comfortable with the confessions and self-disclosures of others. “A prerequisite for a constructive conflict resolution is accuracy in identifying needs,” remarks Maria Dolgopolova. “It’s good if we also have a hunch about how they can be satisfied. But if we don’t have an image of conflict resolution yet, we can gather information about what is appropriate to ask for and what is realistic for the partner or partners.”
We are often afraid of conflicts because we do not know how to negotiate. But it can be learned
Contrary to popular belief, conflict does not necessarily mean a fight. “An exchange of views will not turn into a scandal if the participants remind themselves that they are safe,” emphasizes Maria Dolgopolova. – Otherwise, the situation is experienced as a duel in which one will win, and the other will be left to obey. And then forces are spent on resistance, they are not left to search for an effective solution. Therefore, it is better when at least one participant in the discussion strives to ensure that everyone benefits.
After all, until it is proved that our interests are strictly mutually exclusive, we can assume that there is a way where all parties will satisfy at least part of their requests. Negotiating this is part of a constructive conflict resolution. We are often afraid of conflicts because we do not know how to conduct such negotiations. But this can be learned.
“Anger is associated with physiological risks”
Anger, flared or contained, is harmful to our body. How to resolve disagreements without losing your temper? Explains neuroscientist Katrin Belzung, author of The Biology of Emotions.
An outburst of anger involves the amygdala, a structure that consists of two almond-shaped nuclei located in the temporal lobe. The amygdala is involved in our primitive emotions and survival responses. When the situation is perceived as unfair, the amygdala gives it an emotional dimension (anger), activates the midbrain (which causes aggressive behavior: screams, gestures) and the hypothalamus (responsible for the rush of blood, acceleration of the heart rate, dilated pupils). Before reaching the amygdala, information can also be processed by the neocortex, an area associated with conscious thought. This path is called slow: it provides an opportunity to calm the emotion before aggressive behavior begins.
But people with hypersensitivity or hyperreactivity find it difficult to carry out this regulation. Their amygdala turns on much easier: perhaps under the influence of genetic, environmental, family factors. Research has shown that childhood abuse affects amygdala activation. But the ability to maintain composure is also a matter of upbringing: for example, we know that Asians rarely fly into a rage because they find such behavior unacceptable.
There are two ways to deal with anger. If anger is restrained, the response is censored, but the emotion remains and the sympathetic nervous system remains activated (increased blood pressure and heart rate, muscle tension), with a “steam buildup under pressure” effect even more detrimental to health. Anger can be soothed by cognitive reappraisal of the situation: someone has shown unkindness, but perhaps not wanting it or not realizing that he is getting on our nerves. As a result, anger seems less necessary.
Mindfulness meditation develops our natural ability to remain calm by increasing the volume of the frontal areas and neocortex, which are the cornerstone of cognitive reappraisal. The prefrontal cortex controls the amygdala, inhibiting it with projections that can greatly reduce anger when it is not justified. In this way, we avoid the harmful effects of restrained anger.