«Be happy yourself — then the child’s life will turn out»

By the end of the school year, parents have questions about their child’s education. Who to ask? Teacher, director, parent committee? But their answers are often formal and do not always suit us … Several young people, recent students and students, created the site «Mel», which tells parents about the school in an interesting, honest and fun way.

Psychologies: The site is a year and a half old, and the monthly audience is already over a million, you have become a partner of the Moscow Salon of Education. Are you a School Specialist now? And can I ask you any question as an expert?

Nikita Belogolovtsev: You can ask me a question as a mother of many children with children from 7 to 17 years old, who is fanatically interested in sports, this is how Internet algorithms define me. In fact, I still have two small children, but I — yes, have already completed a basic course of immersion in the world of Russian education.

And how interesting is this world?

Complex, ambiguous, sometimes exciting! Not like the game of my favorite basketball team, of course, but also quite dramatic.

What is its drama?

First of all, in the level of parental anxiety. This level is very different from the experiences of our fathers and mothers, or our grandmothers as parents. Sometimes it just goes over the top. Life has changed psychologically and economically, speeds are different, behavior patterns are different. I’m not talking about technology anymore. Parents are afraid not to have time to introduce something into their children, to be late with the choice of a profession, not to correspond to the image of a successful family. And educational technologies change slowly. Or superficial. The school is very conservative.

Your site for modern parents. What are they?

This is a generation that is used to living in comfort: a car on credit, traveling a couple of times a year, a mobile bank at hand. This is on the one hand. On the other hand, the best film critics explain everything to them about auteur cinema, the best restaurateurs — about food, advanced psychologists — about libido …

We have reached a certain standard of living, developed our own style, acquired guidelines, we know where and what they will comment on authoritatively and friendly. And then — bam, the children go to school. And there is literally no one to ask about the school. No one talks to today’s parents in a fun, ironic, interesting and constructive way (as they are used to) about the school. Only scare. In addition, previous experience does not work: nothing that our parents used — either as an incentive or as a resource — is practically not suitable for education today.

Added to all these difficulties is the era of large-scale transformations. They introduced the Unified State Exam — and the familiar algorithm «study — graduation — introductory — university» instantly went astray! They began to unite schools — a general panic. And that’s just what’s on the surface. Now the parent, like that centipede, begins to doubt the elementary: the child brought a deuce — to punish or not? There are 10 circles at school — which one to go to without missing? But it is even more important to understand whether to change parental strategies at all, in what, roughly speaking, to invest? To answer such questions, we created Mel.

Most of the views on your site are for publications focused on social success — how to raise a leader, whether to engage in early child development …

Yes, parental vanity rules here! But social stereotypes associated with the cult of competition and maternal fear of not giving up something also influence.

Do you think that today parents are so helpless that they cannot do without a navigator in matters of school education?

Today, there is too much information at the disposal of the inquisitive parent, and quite contradictory. And there is too little lively conversation on topics that concern him. Mothers are confused: there are some ratings of schools, there are others, someone takes tutors, someone doesn’t, in one school the atmosphere is creative, in another it’s a tough work environment … At the same time, all children with gadgets, in social networks, in a world that many parents are unknown, and it is not very possible to control their life there.

At the same time, until recently, it was hard to imagine that parents demanded a change in the class teacher, that children be picked up three days before the holidays and “returned” five days later … Parents look quite active, not to say aggressive, with force, real “customers educational services».

Previously, the rules of life were different, there were fewer opportunities for maneuvering with holidays, fewer temptations, and the authority of the teacher was, of course, higher. Today, views on many things have changed, but the idea of ​​“customers of educational services” is still a myth. Because parents can’t order anything and practically can’t influence anything. Yes, by and large, they have no time to understand educational standards, whether they need a single history textbook for all or let them be different, the teacher will choose.

Then what is their main problem?

«Am I a bad mother?» And all the forces, nerves, and most importantly, resources go to suppress the feeling of guilt. Initially, the site’s task was to protect parents from monstrous spending in the name of the child. We had no idea how much money was spent senselessly. So we took the liberty of clarifying the picture of the world, showing what you can save on, and what, on the contrary, should not be neglected.

For example, many parents believe that the best tutor is an honored (and expensive) university professor. But in fact, in preparing for the exam, yesterday’s graduate, who has just passed this exam himself, is often more useful. Or the common “if he talks to me smartly in English, he will definitely pass the exam.” And this, it turns out, is no guarantee.

Another myth that creates the ground for conflicts: «School is the second home, the teacher is the second mother.»

The teacher himself is a hostage to the bureaucratic requirements that overload his work. He has no less questions to the system than his parents, but it is to him that they eventually go. You can’t approach the director, parent forums are a complete hysteria. The last link is the teacher. So he is ultimately responsible for the reduction of hours in literature, disruptions in the schedule, the endless collection of money — and further down the list. Since he, the teacher, does not care about his personal opinion, even the most progressive one, it is easier for him to operate with quotations from decrees and circulars.

As a result, a communication crisis has matured: no one can say anything to anyone in normal language. The teacher-student relationship in such a situation, I believe, is not the most open.

That is, parents have nothing to dream of mutual trust of participants in the educational process?

On the contrary, we prove that this is possible if we try to figure out some collisions ourselves. For example, learn about such a form of school self-government as parental advice and get a real tool for participating in school life. This allows, for example, to remove the issue of an inconvenient vacation schedule or the wrong place for an elective in the schedule from the agenda and not look for someone to blame.

But your main task is to protect parents from the costs of the educational system?

Yes, we take the side of the parents in any conflict. A teacher who yells at a student loses the presumption of innocence in our coordinate system. After all, teachers have a professional community, a director who is responsible for them, and who are the parents? Meanwhile, school is wonderful, perhaps the best years of a person, and if you set realistic goals, you can catch a real buzz (I know from my own experience!), turn 11 years into joint family creativity, find like-minded people, open such resources, including and in themselves, about which the parents did not suspect!

You represent different points of view, but the parent still has to make the choice?

Of course it should. But this is a choice between sound approaches, each of which he can correlate with his experience, family traditions, intuition, in the end. And calm down — you can do this, but you can do it differently, and this is not scary, the world will not turn upside down. To ensure this effect of publications, we show the author’s text to two or three experts. If they have no categorical objections, then we publish it. This is the first principle.

The second principle is not to give direct instructions. Make parents think, despite the fact that they are counting on specific instructions: “what to do if the son does not eat at school”, point by point, please. We strive to ensure that between despair, indignation and confusion in adults, their own opinion grows, turned towards the child, and not towards stereotypes.

We ourselves are learning. Moreover, our readers are not asleep, especially when it comes to sex education. “Here you are inclined to believe that a pink ice cap for a boy is normal, you criticize gender stereotypes. And then you give 12 films that boys need to see, and 12 for girls. How shoud I understand this?» Indeed, we must be consistent, we think …

Suppose there are no direct instructions — yes, probably, there cannot be. What would you categorically forbid parents?

Two phrases. First: «We grew up, and nothing.» It justifies any inaction and indifference. Many believe that the Soviet school raised incredibly educated people, they teach at Harvard and accelerate electrons in colliders. And the fact that these same people went together to MMM is somehow forgotten.

And the second phrase: «I know how to make him happy.» Because, according to my observations, it is with her that parental madness begins.

What other goal can parents have, if not the happiness of children?

To be happy yourself — then, I think, everything will work out for the child. Well, that’s my theory.