Contents
Fatherhood is becoming an indispensable attribute of a modern man, part of his success in life. More and more men feel the desire not only to have children, but also to communicate with them, to participate in their lives. Young fathers are no longer shy about discussing their worries at work, with friends, on blogs and forums. Are we ready for a new parenting model?
Women: looking for help, not ready to cooperate
Many mothers admit that they experience mixed feelings when a husband seeks to actively participate in the lives of children. Sometimes they are not ready to part with their “monopoly” on control and making important decisions, they find it difficult to learn parental cooperation and true partnership. So, answering the question about who determines what children can do, less than 9% of respondents assigned a decisive role to fathers*. “Women still perceive fathers as helpless and inept: a man is already praised for bringing his child home safe and sound from a walk,” notes sociologist Igor Kon, author of the book “A Man in a Changing World” (Vremya, 2009) . It is mothers who, as a rule, keep in mind the daily routine of children, plan and remember everything: when to go to English or aikido, who picks up the child from the garden and by what day the drawing task should be ready. Because of this, they are often convinced that children should be treated in a strictly defined (and only correct) way. Let’s say the mother is used to stroking her son on the back before going to bed, and the father wants to spin around the room with him in an embrace. The father’s way of laying works fine, but the mother still insists on her own. However, the situation is changing: women under 35 years of age are more likely to trust men with parental responsibilities than older women whose own fathers had little involvement in family care**. In addition, young mothers more often assert themselves in the profession and therefore are not afraid to give up their positions in the family to their husbands.
* M. Malysheva “Modern patriarchy. Socio-Economic Essay”. Academy, 2001.
**Time, 2007, June.
When they are absent
Along with the greater involvement and interest of those fathers who live with their children, there is another trend: there is an increasing number of men who are practically absent in the lives of their children. The increase in the number of informal marriages, divorces, illegitimate children means that more than a third of children spend most of their childhood with only one parent*. Girls who grow up without fathers from early childhood reach puberty faster and are more likely to have early pregnancies. And boys may have low self-esteem, they trust people less and commit crimes more often. Children from incomplete families have on average a lower level of education, they are less successful and may experience difficulties in creating their own family.
* N. Cabrera et al. «Fatherhood in the 21st century». Child Development, 2000, vol. 71, № 1.
Read more:
- The child does not want to see his father: what to do?
Society: A Contradictory Message
Modern society, declaring the importance of the presence of the father in the family and his role in the upbringing of children, in fact shows everywhere that they do not take fathers seriously. Among the qualities that a good father should have, “the ability to make money” (75%) is ahead of “caring” (67%) in the public mind (XNUMX%). Fathers are reluctant to provide parental leave, business leaders are not ready for the fact that a man does not go to work when the children are sick, at parent meetings, the vast majority are mothers, and even the doctor in the clinic, seeing that the child came with dad, asks tell mom all the appointments made. “The identification of parenthood with motherhood to some extent remains in the Russian mind to this day,” Igor Kon believes. In other words, a good father still remains in the eyes of society as a mother’s assistant, mother number two, by definition inferior.
* The survey was conducted by the Levada Center in 2004. More details on the website www.levada.ru
Hormonal process
Men who have recently become fathers or are expecting their first child have increased levels of “female” hormones – prolactin (causing women to lactate) and cortisol (involved in the formation of maternal instinct) – and a decrease in the level of the male hormone testosterone*. After the birth of a child, fathers increase the production of oxytocin, the hormone of trust and fidelity. However, these changes are observed only if fathers are close to their children.
* Adapted from the Conference of the Society for the Study of Child Development, April 2009, USA.
Men: being a father while being yourself
Today, for example, an American father spends an average of 7 hours a week caring for a child: not much, but twice as much as in 1965. About 60% of high school students plan to reduce their working hours when they become fathers (although they are unlikely to succeed in reality) *. Books for fathers and fathers’ books about their own parenting experiences are appearing in different countries (see “About It”). Men approach this subject from the standpoint of anthropological researchers who study a foreign culture and the nature of such a phenomenon as children and their upbringing a little detachedly. At the same time, fathers treat themselves with irony in this role and do not expect to master it to perfection. They have many doubts about their competence, but little guilt. Psychologists tend to believe that parental status is no less important for a man than for a woman**. And turning into a father is one of the central tasks of the development of the personality of an adult man and at the same time a criterion of her maturity.
Moving towards the “new fatherhood”, it is important not to lose some of the masculine component that children need. Paternal methods of education are focused primarily on teaching the child to live in society. It is good if the father raises a small child in the early years (although this is not typical of men by nature), but his role becomes more important as the children grow older. The father as a model of male behavior, father’s games (more risky and stimulating), a rational look, just his physical availability are necessary for the development of the child. However, according to Igor Kon, “both men and women perform different roles in different situations.” After all, not only children need loving, interested, close to them fathers, but men also need children: to give a new meaning to their own lives, to be surprised and happy, seeing how they grow up, finally, to join their special way of thinking and strong feelings, which adults are sometimes very lacking …
* “Modern man from A to Z”. Discovery Channel, 2008.
** Perinatal psychology and psychology of parenthood, 2008, No. 4.
About it
- Mikhail Epstein “Fatherhood. Metaphysical diary”, Aletheia, 2003.
- Nikolai Kryschuk “Father’s Diary”, Zvezda, 2005, No. 9.
- Kevin Osbourne “I’m the best dad! A complete guide for fathers, AST: Astrel, 2006.
- Grigory Oster, Andrey Bilzho “Bad advice to fathers of growing children”, AST, 2009.