Helping children cope with mood swings does not mean hiding the truth of life from them. Problems are discussed and solved, says psychoanalyst Claude Almos.
As a worthy successor to the cause of Françoise Dolto, Psychologies resident expert Claude Almos fights for children’s rights. In each interview, she strives for accuracy of wording, is demanding of her parents and always firmly defends her point of view. Because for her, the development of the child is too important a topic to be talked about superficially. Sometimes she even loses her temper and angrily slams her fist on the table: “The question is wrong! That’s not the problem!» She can embarrass the interlocutor, but not in order to attack him, but because she knows that he is able to hear her and change the situation. She will never leave a confused parent. She helps him overcome obstacles, because it needs to be done now, and not sometime later. And once again we were convinced of this.
Psychologies: How can you help a child who has gloomy thoughts?
Claude Almos: The very concept of «dark thoughts» or «negative thoughts» is meaningless! How can thoughts be evaluated? Based on wording? But some thoughts that are negative in form may well be positive if they force us to act and change for the better. Mind is the ability to recognize the limits of one’s capabilities. Only happy madmen consider themselves geniuses. On the other hand, your question suggests that all negativity needs to be eradicated and only the positive should be kept. Not only is this a deliberate simplification, given the complexity of the psyche. This is also dangerous, because it reproduces the logic of a drug addict: I have problems, so I will take a substance that will erase this problem from my consciousness, and I will plunge into nirvana. The question is not how to erase suffering, but how to experience it. If, for example, it seems to a child that his parents do not love him, or love him less than his younger brother, you should not replace his negative emotions with positive ones, but understand why he thinks so.
How to understand negative emotions if they are not really expressed?
K.A.: The suffering of children is usually manifested in their behavior — the child does not eat, does not sleep well, wets the bed, although he should have stopped by now, studies poorly, fights with his friends or is beaten … You can understand what the matter is only by talking with parents about how he spends the day, what he has experienced since birth, finding out what his parents themselves have experienced. If a child can explain in words what is bothering him — going back to our example that his little brother is loved more than him — then he is either wrong (why?) or he is right, and then it is important that parents see how he perceives the situation, and they realized what a burden they place on the child, without wanting or understanding it themselves. So the child can understand that the problem is not in him, but in his place in the family (as a boy or as an elder), that because of this, his parents are re-experiencing some painful experience.
It turns out that even wishing the child only good, we cannot protect him from our own problems? Children carry our complexes, our repressed feelings, whether we like it or not?
K.A.: If you mean that the parents are to blame for everything, then you are wrong. There are parents who feel guilty, unconsciously believe that they cannot be a good father or mother because of what kind of people they are or what they have experienced. Such parents do not feel entitled to raise their children. They do not know how to say “no” to a child or motivate him to go forward: it seems to them that if a child does stupid things or does not develop, it is only their fault. This attitude harms the child. Rather than thinking in terms of guilt, it is better to understand the mechanisms of what is happening in order to debug them. If a child devalues himself, does poorly in school because he is convinced that he will not succeed, he may be reproducing a history of school failure that is repeated from generation to generation, or competing with a brother or sister, or maybe his the teacher humiliates… It is useless to think positively until we understand what exactly is happening.
But if, on the contrary, we emphasize the «negative», the shortcomings, the mistakes of the child, do we run the risk of shaking his faith in himself?
K.A.: Again, it all depends on what is at stake — are you trying to fill in the gaps or humiliate the child? I do not really agree with those who propose to abolish grades in school so as not to focus the attention of children on what they do not know. Explain to the child that teachers are not there to love him or shower him with praise, they are needed to help him surpass himself, become more educated and smarter. You should not forgive a child who constantly makes mistakes from inattention, although he has shown that he knows the correct answer. The coach does not let down his ward, this is how athletes become. This does not mean torturing children and even more so to instill in them that they are not capable of anything. But if only to pamper a child, he will not be able to endure the difficulties that he will inevitably face in life. School is a model of society, and living in society is not easy. We raise a child not only so that he has a wonderful childhood — if he has one, so much the better — but also so that he can live in our world. At the same time, if you are faced with a sadistic teacher, you must do everything possible so that he stops atrocities. And help the child by explaining to him that the problem is in the adult: “You are not stupid and you never were. Some sick adults like to make others suffer by humiliating them, and your teacher was one of those. For this he was punished.»
It hurts to see how our children are going through. I would like to protect them from our stresses and anxieties in order to preserve in them the joy of life, the desire to grow up …
K.A.: But adults always have problems — in their personal lives, at work, with money, with friends, this is life! It is impossible to bathe in happiness all day long! If the child knows this, he will be able to allow himself to experience different emotions, grumble, get angry and offended when he wants to. Why can’t you feel or show your emotions? The mistake is not to get angry or worried in the presence of children; the mistake is to think that we can hide our feelings from them. It’s impossible. A child, even a small one, even a baby, feels the anxiety of his parents. But if he is not told anything, then he, since he considers himself the center of the world, may decide that the matter is in him. In general, to pretend that everything is fine when in fact everything is bad is to set a bad example for your children. If the father pretends that everything is fine, although he was left without a job, the children can draw two conclusions: either the father is unable to accept reality, and then it turns out that the children understand the situation better, which leads to a change in roles in the family; or the father thinks they are idiots, which is no better. It is necessary to talk about the real situation. Children are not told everything, but only what concerns them. They need to be told how to deal with difficulties, how the family will do it. No one is able to mobilize their forces by denying reality. If you put off solving your problems on the back burner and do not deal with reality, reality will take care of you.
That is, the most harmful thing for children is silence and lies?
K.A.: Yes, silence, understatement. But also a positive attitude at any cost, too. An attempt to teach children to step back from problems, to forget about them, contributes to the development of pathologies that one day (more often in adolescence) will declare themselves. No problem can be solved by meditation or breathing techniques that will drive it away. Problems are talked about and solved. Psychoanalyst Alice Miller has written about the harm done to children under the guise of «It’s for your own good.» They are harmed by raising them with a club. It is just as harmful to raise children in an ideal world that does not exist. Then we don’t give them the tools to confront the real world. Françoise Dolto always reminded psychoanalysts that the work done with a child can only be judged when it becomes an adult. Another reason to be more restrained and cautious in assessing our professional merits.