Your child or teen likes to surround themselves with unfriendly people and as a parent you are worried about them. But do you have to meddle in his friendships for all that? Anne-Claire Kleindienst, clinical psychologist, gives us her advice on how to approach the subject gently with your child and understand what is behind this desire to have potentially toxic friends for him.

We speak of bad company when it has a negative influence on the child. For example, when they encourage him to adopt dangerous or even illegal behavior and / or when they harm his relations with his family and relatives. It is therefore normal for each parent to worry about their child and want to talk to him about it. But the subject is delicate since it touches the circle of friends, precious for any child or adolescent. “It all depends on what bad influence it is. If it is an influence to disrespect each other, it is not as bad as that of leading to acts of delinquency, for example. Whether it is one or the other, the modus operandi will be the same for the parents, but with a lesser intention if the concern is less important ”, explains Anne-Claire Kleindienst.

The most important thing not to do is to bring up the discussion with an accusatory tone accompanied by categorical sentences like “Really, so-and-so, it’s not possible, you should stop seeing it” ou “I forbid you to see him again”. Instead, the psychologist advises parents to voice their concerns by initiating a discussion with their child about friendships in general. “As the subject is heated, it is better to favor peaceful exchange with the child. I recommend that parents remember the importance of friendships during childhood, the benefits of being in a group, to validate the principle that friends are sacred (a reassuring assumption) and then to let the possibility come quietly. to share his concern or his questioning about this or that friend who does not reassure us ”, develops the specialist. The reaction of the child / teenager will depend on how you approach the subject of concern. So it is best to do it gently, despite the worry and anger that parents live in such a situation. 

For the parent, it is tempting to forbid the child to associate with these people considered undesirable. Bad idea ! “Any pressure to end a relationship is counterproductive. Parents must always remain in a dialogue in co-construction ”, insists the psychologist. As long as the child does not see for himself that his associates can harm him, he will not understand why he should stop being around them. If the child in question is a rebellious adolescent, the parents’ prohibitions will, on the contrary, encourage him to continue his relations with these infrequent people.

Rather than forbidding, make him realize that his friendships do not bring him anything positive, with concrete examples. But be careful, never criticize or judge a particular person. The more you insist on the faults of his friend (s), the more he will try to imitate them. Show yourself tolerant. And most importantly, let him know that your goal is not to watch him or direct him, but to protect him so that he becomes an adult capable of seeing what is good or bad for him.

Several scenarios can lead a child to have bad company:

• The child is discouraged from belonging to a group in which he does not identify and where he cannot express himself. He then tries to get out of the box and willingly turns to people very different from him.
• The child has often been ostracized, rejected because not at the expected level academically or relational. “Feeling marginalized, he has a greater propensity to join those who transgress”, says Anne-Claire Kleindienst.
• The child suffers from a lack of self-confidence and self-esteem. He will think he finally exists in the eyes of others by seeing people opposite to him and acting like them.

There are many other reasons a child can have bad company. This is why it is important to find out which ones to better understand it and help him get rid of it. 

When all his associates are people with deviant behaviors, he starts dropping out of school and / or his behavior changes, you have to worry and may consider the help of a specialist, especially if you are feel overwhelmed by events.