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Life does not end with divorce, nor is it limited to taking care of children. What are the most common mistakes single mothers make when trying to improve their personal lives? And what can be done to avoid them? Psychologists answer.
Contrary to popular stereotype, most single mothers enjoy the parenting role anyway. But it’s one thing to be a mother, and quite another to be single. It often happens that after parting with her husband, a woman concentrates on the parental role, forgetting about personal desires and needs. And the more frightening the thought of dating or a serious relationship, the more difficult it is to remember them.
Is it possible to change this and how to do it so as not to fill new cones? Experts tell what mistakes women make when they try to start dating someone again after a divorce. And at the same time explain what to do with them.
Mistake #1: You wait too long to get back on track.
“It’s easier to get back into the world of dating and relationships if you haven’t been single for too long,” says coach Julianne Cantarella. — It takes some time to restore balance after breaking up with a previous partner, but you should not delay it. I’ve had clients who get comfortable being alone and the thought of getting to know someone starts to scare them. The longer you live in the “I am alone” mode, the more difficult it will be for you to decide to share this life with someone.”
How to avoid it? Get back into relationships slowly. One of the non-binding ways is online dating. You keep everything under control and can set the speed at which communication will develop.
Mistake #2: You obsess over monogamy
And you’re doing it too early. “I advise clients to go beyond one acquaintance,” Cantarella says. — And at this time, do not raise the issue of exclusivity of the relationship. I have noticed that many divorced people have a hard time accepting the idea of dating more than one person. It seems to them something wrong and bad.
Acquaintance and communication with several men will provide an opportunity to compare different approaches, attitudes towards you, emotions. And at the same time, you can calmly meet with them until you feel that you are ready for a more serious relationship with one person, with the one you like the most, and not with the first one.
How to avoid it? The idea of monogamy can arise in relationships where trust and affection have already developed. It cannot be imposed. It is worth spending time with different people to understand who is the best fit. And do not convince yourself that you are already in a serious relationship, if you have not yet discussed this with a new partner, his point of view may not coincide with yours and this is normal.
Mistake #3: You’re Coming Back Too Early
No one can say at what point to start dating men again. The circumstances of a divorce or an upcoming divorce can affect your emotional readiness for a new stage in your personal life. Elizabeth Lamott, a psychotherapist and relationship expert, advises waiting at least a year after a breakup.
“Regardless of whose initiative you broke up and how it all happened, you need time. You need to rediscover who you are and what you want from relationships and from life in general. So you can avoid another unpleasant experience in your personal life. You have to learn to think about yourself and stop seeing yourself as part of a broken couple.”
How to avoid it? “Ideally, wait until you get used to your new single status and start enjoying your new life,” explains LaMotte. “Only after that you can think about letting someone else into it. Such a path will allow you to invite a man into a joyful and healthy life atmosphere, and not into a difficult and painful one. If you can’t wait, she advises not to rush into a new relationship. Do everything gradually, without haste.
Mistake #4: You move on to sex too quickly
“Many clients are under the delusion that physical intimacy is a must for dating,” Cantarella says. “They are sure that no grown man will wait. And others yearned so much for tenderness and physical contact that they themselves could not wait.
It is worth remembering that for most women, good sex works as an emotional attachment. It will be more difficult for you to end a relationship (even if it has just begun) if it turns out that the person is not right for you. And if he decides to stop everything, it will be more difficult to deal with it.”
How to avoid it? Don’t have sex until you’re ready. No matter how trite it may sound, but a man interested in you will be able to wait and will not rush.
Mistake #5: You introduce him to the kids too soon.
Of course, you want to know if a new man can build a relationship with your children. But this is a very subtle point.
“If you introduce them too soon, it can end badly not only for you, but also for the children. Cantarella says. — In this situation, it is worth waiting as long as possible and in no case timed acquaintance with family holidays. If you want to know in advance whether he can make friends with children, look at how he treats you or his children, if any. Once you introduce it to the kids, you can’t back down — the level of expectation goes up.»
How to avoid it? This is an important step, there is no hurry. As a rule, men are very responsible about this issue. It is possible to introduce a new chosen one to children only if both of you are sure that your views on the joint future coincide, you have seriously discussed this and no one has any doubts about the correctness and timeliness of the step.