Bad advice for those who have cheated on a partner

The advice we receive from others works in two ways. On the one hand, they suggest the way where someone has already been before us. It’s great, it saves resources. When we find ourselves in difficult situations, we experience severe stress. If at such a moment you can rely on clear recommendations, traditions, rituals, the level of stress decreases.

We know how to deal with loss, divorce, financial collapse. Yes, we definitely don’t want to do all this — and we don’t want to go through this at all. But if needed, we have instructions, as many «were there before us» and drew a map.

This mechanism works great in situations that can be interpreted unambiguously. But it does not work at all when we have an internal conflict.

When we are faced with infidelity, such a conflict is more than likely. Both the one who was cheated on and the one who cheated on may not see the end point of the process that is happening to them right now. They may have extremely conflicted feelings about what happened; about your partner, your relationship, your future.

In such a case, following ready-made advice means trying to resolve the internal conflict prematurely, as well as avoiding encountering some difficult emotions. And this is the other side of such recommendations.

Consider the most popular advice that people who have experienced infidelity regularly hear. What are they really talking about, why are we not always able to follow them — and should we even do it?

“Break up: after treason, relations will not be restored”

To follow this advice, you need to have completely unambiguous feelings towards the partner who has changed. And if we are ready, without hesitation, to part with it, this indicates that we feel a sharp relief from the hateful tension, which, most likely, played a role in the current situation. Or we dream of avoiding difficult feelings.

The acute pain of betrayal, the grief and frustration of losing security, the horror, the shame, the guilt, the jealousy, can all be unbearable. The more valuable a partner and relationship with him is for us, the higher our willingness to try to experience this story together.

When we talk about the fact that cheating definitely leads to separation and there are no other options, we either ignore this value, or our relationship has really outlived its usefulness.

“We need to start trusting again: without trust there is no relationship”

Not to experience anxiety during absences, not to check phones, not to eavesdrop on conversations, not to double-check the words and actions of a partner is easy only for someone who has unambiguous and reassuring information about his act.

For example, if he cheated by accident, spontaneously, he realized that he was mistaken and sincerely repented. Even better — if he himself ended the connection on the side. Ideal — if he said at the same time: «Now I choose my wife forever, because I understood and appreciated everything.»

If the person who has been cheated on does not have an aggravating experience such as past infidelities or violations in relations with parents, if there is no space for manipulation in the marriage itself, if the personal characteristics of the victim of adultery, the state of his mental health do not contribute to the development of anxiety disorders, everything will be fine. in order.

However, as you can see, this requires that all of the above coincide, and this happens infrequently.

“Angry at your partner, not at his mistress”

This advice is an attempt to simplify difficult feelings. In general, the indication that the main part of the experiences of a deceived partner should fall on the cheater is fair. Pain and anger are often transferred to the lover or mistress, and this only confuses the situation. By doing so, we remove from the partner his share of responsibility for the betrayal. But all this does not mean that we do not have the right to have different feelings towards «third parties».

You can be angry with them, you can be afraid of them, you can envy them, despise them, you can feel pity, disgust or indulgence. This is fine! A lover or mistress is an important person, a secret part of the family. And you don’t need to substantiate and justify your complex feelings towards him. But it is worth legalizing, because they are also part of the big picture.

«Don’t follow your partners’ exes on social media»

The victim of infidelity experiences complex, conflicting feelings, but at the same time is looking for information. And one of its sources is the page of a lover or mistress. We ask ourselves, “Who are they? How do they live, do they pose an actual threat? Do they have feelings? Are they planning new interventions, are they mentally ill? How are they better or worse than me?

In addition, studying the lover’s page helps to check how reliable the information that comes from the partner is. Fatal dates, events, the content of secret relationships can be reflected in the profile. When we experience betrayal, such information not only brings great pain, but also orients us in what is happening. And sometimes it is more important for us to orient ourselves, and not to protect ourselves from pain.

Over time, we will begin to take care of ourselves more — and we will avoid such networking meetings. But the more sudden the betrayal was, the less confident we are, the longer we need to be watched.

“If you have been cheated on, get revenge or get compensation”

Such advice is also ritual, even magical: revenge on a partner (retaliatory betrayal, for example) or receiving serious compensation (buying a car in the form of an apology, a long-promised trip, consent to a child or emigration) plays the role of canceling what has been done. But this is only a psychological defense mechanism, and not a real act of completion.

Real completion will take time and access to a variety of senses. However, such actions can help: they allow us to express anger and dull the feeling that we have been betrayed.

In general, I am for the anger of betrayal to be somehow reacted. But the reciprocal betrayal seems to me a manifestation of despair rather than anger. Perhaps you should find another way to accommodate your despair. It is important that the act of expression is precise, otherwise it will not work.

“About a year later, you should stop thinking about cheating”

A year is a generally accepted period for experiencing some significant event. If the process of experiencing betrayal is not complicated in any way, it really lasts about as long.

There are several signs that may indicate that the process is proceeding with complications. Up to a year, they can be considered quite normal, but if a year after infidelity we encounter them, this is a reason to seek professional help.

These signs include:

• general stable deterioration in the functioning of the psyche: decreased performance, deterioration of social life, isolation, anxiety, development of depression;
• the development of obsessive-compulsive disorder: in this case, after a long time, the thoughts and behavior of a person continue to revolve around betrayal, a partner, his mistress, and so on;
• continued surveillance and, moreover, real threats, persecution, harm to a person or property can also be considered signs that the process of experiencing betrayal has taken a pathological form.

advice that works

If you find yourself in this situation, make time for each of your feelings. Be prepared for this to take an unpredictably long time and for the story to be resolved in some unique way.

As a result, you will get a new picture of the world, which is simply not visible from the “here and now” point.