Tatyana Rebeko read for us Sandy Hotchkis’s book Hell’s Web. How to survive in a world of narcissism
Sandy Hotchkiss is an American psychoanalyst, Doctor of Psychology, who specializes in individual and family psychoanalysis. Actively participates in the work of the California Society for Psychosocial Assistance.
“Hell web. How to Survive in a World of Narcissism, Sandy Hotchkiss, Klass, 248 p.
“Sandy Hotchkis talks about the deepest problems of people with narcissistic disorder in detail and very clearly. We call them selfish, condemn, but also admire their ability to manipulate people. In fact, with apparent shamelessness (which manifests itself as indifference to the needs of others), narcissistic personalities are overwhelmed with a sense of shame, and they experience this shame not for the mistakes they have made: it indicates an unbearable experience of their own “flaw” and “emptiness”. Narcissists find a way to avoid “exposing” this emptiness: they transfer their humiliation and shame to other people by devaluing them. Demonstrating a sense of their own superiority, they are more dependent on someone else’s opinion than anyone else, they greedily catch approval and admiration, they are destroyed by any, even insignificant, criticism. They envy those who know how to enjoy life, but they themselves are not able anywhere and never to establish themselves in a sense of their own significance. Using numerous examples from his therapeutic practice, Hotchkis analyzes not only the signs, but also the origins of narcissism. At the age of 2-4 years, we have a sense of our own “I”. The child learns the limits of his vulnerability and uniqueness, acquires the experience of psychological autonomy. He can cope with all the obstacles on this path only with the help of his parents (primarily his mother). But are parents always reliable assistants in finding their own self? The narcissistic mother demands perfection from the child in order to reduce anxiety about her shortcomings. And “pseudo-adult” children grow up, causing admiration from others, but at the same time not knowing how to live their own lives. They are forced to make up for the “shameful” traits of their parents, they are always in their service, but they do not belong to themselves. How to survive in the web of this internal dependence? How to help those who have discovered narcissistic traits in themselves or loved ones? The reader will find answers to these questions in this book. Sandy Hotchkis describes strategies for dealing with narcissistic children, lovers, and co-workers. Her practical recommendations for returning to real life will be useful to many.