Speaking the same language does not mean understanding each other. It is important to learn to be aware of what we are experiencing right now. This will help you sort out the anxiety and accept the loss.
Now I live in Vienna — my husband works here, and I continue my psychotherapeutic practice. Among the clients who contact me via Skype, there are many Russians living abroad. Someone moved permanently, someone — for the time of work or study. Moving to another country in modern life is an event, as a rule, not forced, but desired. It seems all the more strange to my clients that after a period of euphoria, they begin to feel sad, yearn, and sometimes even become depressed.
Why would? There is an explanation: although we move with enthusiasm and hope for a better future, we lose a lot: way of life, habits, circle of friends, ourselves — the way we used to be. Even if we agree to this and are ready for this, it is still a loss. And most often unmourned, unlived. This mute sadness distorts the perception of life.
38-year-old Larisa from the UK complains that she was disappointed in her marriage. Her husband Tom is an immigrant, like her, but in his country the native language is English, so life in London does not cause any difficulties for him. Tom has a teenage son from his first marriage, Scott.
When Tom and Larisa got married, they decided that she would take care of the house and family. Larisa and Scott got along very well, it was generally her dream — a family and a home. But soon she began to feel tormented by the feeling that Tom did not appreciate her concern. “He takes everything for granted. I’m lonely and sad.»
In her native Rostov, Larisa held a major position, made responsible decisions, but here her education remains unclaimed. She is just a housewife. And Tom spends time with friends talking about football and racing. «It’s so far away from me! I love theater and books. But it seems to me that this will no longer be in my life.
Only by acknowledging the loss and naming it by our name can we cope with it and open up new opportunities over time.
Larisa has excellent English, but there is a difficulty: she is not used to being aware of her feelings and desires and openly expressing them, asking for help. In addition, she believes that «if he loves, then he himself must understand everything.» And Tom is sure that they are all right, his wife is just in a slightly bad mood, which he tries not to pay attention to. Larisa tells herself that he is a person of a different culture and will never understand her. This thought causes a new attack of sadness.
I suggest Larissa find out which of her needs in marriage are met and which are not. And it turns out that Tom understands and supports her in many ways, you can talk with him on deeply personal topics. Of course, before that, Larisa discovered her feelings and chose words to name them in two languages. And after that, we clarified what she lacks outside of marriage. It turned out to be communication.
Fortunately, modern means of communication make it possible to talk to anyone anywhere in the world. In addition, Larisa found a new hobby, and she made new friends in the yoga circle.
But some things and opportunities from her life are gone forever. One of them is past work and successfully completed important tasks. The second is communication with her mother: Larisa is very attached to her, but they will not be able to see each other as often as before. This is truly a loss. Only by acknowledging it and calling it by its name can we deal with it and open up new possibilities over time.