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Why mothers crack …
Video is a hit on the Internet. We see a (fake) American recruiter giving job interviews to real candidates. He spells out exhausting working conditions: “You will work on your feet all day, never have breaks, be woken up frequently at night, and all for free!” Do you accept the job? He asks the candidates. ” No ! », Exclaim the latter. And suddenly, the recruiter tells them that this “job” is already done by billions of people, all over the world: mothers. This ad for a greeting card company strikes a chord: it highlights the difficult “work” done every day, in the shadows, by mothers. Today, more and more women say they are overwhelmed, a trend that can be seen through the many books, blogs and articles on the subject. In 2010, the NGO, the World Movement of Mothers, conducted a survey of 11 women in 000 European countries, mothers who work or who are at home. 16% of them say they don’t have enough time on a daily basis, which has an impact on their well-being.
When professional life encroaches on family life
In France, working mothers no longer hesitate to say loud and clear about their feeling of “overflow”. According to a recent study by the statistical body of the Ministry of Labor *, one in three women feel that they cannot cope, or that they are overwhelmed with their work at least once a week. The most affected are those who live as a couple with children under 12 years old. Today, women demand professional equality and parity, but the company has not adapted to their specific constraints. For Marie-Christine Bernard, psychosomatician: “Companies still operate on patriarchal and archaic patterns. The world of work was made by and for men! What’s more, the women of the current generation are in a double injunction: it is necessary to fulfill oneself in one’s work and to fulfill oneself as a mother. It creates a lot of pressure. »Mother of two children (3 years and 20 months), Sophie was a lawyer in a business law firm. But last year, she decided to resign: “I was in the rush non-stop. I was just screaming at my kids. I would arrive in the evening when they were coming out of the bath and I would put them to bed late to enjoy them a little. Obviously, the more tired they were, the more the crises followed. “Sophie feels guilty, but does not know how to get out of this situation:” I felt like I was struggling at work, but they always expected more. I was leaving at 19:30 p.m. and it was not uncommon for me to answer emails at 22 p.m. However, I was asked to ramp up, so to give more time to the company, while from my point of view, I was already at 110%. Sophie preferred to say stop. Today, she has found a job as a lawyer more compatible with family life.
The double day imperative
Whether or not they work, women have objective reasons for feeling overwhelmed. They continue to do 80% of the household chores at home (preparation of meals, shopping, cleaning, laundry care, etc.). On our Facebook page, Marianne says: “Before, I worked as a cleaning agent in a hotel. I arrived home tired. I wanted to see my son and make him taste buds. But the father, while he was at rest, had neither prepared food nor touched the laundry. The worst thing was to hear him say to me: “Pff… it’s nothing what you do, it’s only housework!” On average, women devote nearly 4 hours a day to “domestic time”, compared to 2 hours 24 for men (who tend to do DIY and gardening). It is mainly mothers who take care of children (twice as many as fathers). This “double day” is a stressor for women. But they would be partly responsible for this inequality! “In our surveys on the distribution of household chores, we noticed that women were ambivalent,” explains Christine Castelain Meunier, sociologist at the CNRS. “They solicit men, but find it difficult to let them participate. As if it came under a skill or a know-how that the man does not have. “
Housewives even more stressed
While working mothers often feel overworked, housewives should all look relaxed. Not at all, it would be quite the opposite, if one believes a study of the University of Pennsylvania **. The researchers measured the levels of cortisol (a hormone secreted by the adrenal glands during chronic stress) in men and women, several times a day, depending on whether they were at work or at home. The results are surprising: the participants all had higher cortisol levels at home than at work. For Marie-Laure des Brosses, the French president of the World Movement of Mothers, housewives have more reasons to feel overwhelmed: “At work, you can have positive feedback on what you have done and reasons for satisfaction. . You interact with your colleagues, you are not constantly interrupted. While at home, women suffer from a terrible lack of recognition. “ Clearly, we only see the work of a housewife when it has not been done: it is completely invisible. A reality that Nina lives on a daily basis. This mother often feels judged: “We are taken for lazy! However, at home, we never sit on the sofa! Living this life as a stay-at-home mom, we realize that the hardest part is people’s eyes. It’s wonderful to be a mom, I love it. But personally, I want to find a job. Stay-at-home moms also suffer from isolation. Today, more and more families are living apart, far from grandparents. An even truer situation for single mothers, or immigrant mothers. Whether you are an active woman or at home, it is not easy every day to be a mother. What if we tried to take care of ourselves a little, so that we could then take care of our own? Chick?
Recognize maternal burnout
Unlike a mother who is simply “overwhelmed”, who will be able to say of her baby: “He is exhausting me”, the one who suffers from burnout does not allow herself to have a negative speech. Yet these women often feel very anxious about looking after their children on their own. Burnout is physical and psychological exhaustion. It is a condition that is often linked to depression, but not always. Women who suffer from it feel like they are falling short. They are very demanding of themselves and are convinced that a mother should be “all love”. Some can no longer sleep. They no longer take time for themselves, to shower, to eat. Fatigue sets in, until exhaustion. The cries and cries of their little one become unbearable. The mother can then have aggressive words or gestures towards her child, or towards herself. To get out of this deadlock, do not hesitate to ask for help and possibly undergo psychotherapy.
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* “Women hold jobs where work seems less fulfilling.” DARES Analyzes study, December 2010.
** «Has work replaced home as a haven ?» Revue Social Science & Medicine, 08/2014.