Critical remarks hardly please anyone. But for some of us, the disapproval of leadership sounds like a heavy sentence. Where does this extreme vulnerability come from? How do you accept criticism and turn it to your advantage?
“I put all my energy into my work! — the 46-year-old hostess Ekaterina is worried. “Of course, it hurts me when they scold what I have done. And once I am attacked, I begin to defend myself fiercely.
And 32-year-old lawyer Roman feels not so much resentment as fear: “It seems to me that I do not live up to the set bar and everyone will soon notice this.”
The reason for such emotional vulnerability is, experts say, that today professional success has become a prerequisite for success in personal and social life.
“We express ourselves to a large extent through our professional activities,” explains business psychologist Maria Makarushkina. “That is why it is so important for us to receive recognition in this area: it confirms our viability in life.”
I’m afraid of losing my meaning
When we first meet, we usually first ask the interlocutor where and by whom he works, and only after that we find out about his tastes and outlook on life. Work determines our position in society.
Therefore, “criticism of our work is perceived as an attack on the foundations of personality,” notes Maria Makarushkina. — To this is added the fear of losing a job: after all, the loss of a job puts at risk not only our self-esteem, but also material well-being.
Particularly susceptible to such fear are those who consider their position the result of luck or patronage, and not their own merit.
I want to be liked
Often the most painful assessment is criticism from the leader, because he embodies the parental figure.
“Our childhood is symbolically re-enacted in a professional setting,” explains psychoanalyst Virginie Meggle. — In order to develop, to move forward with enthusiasm and to receive confirmation that we rightfully take our place, we must be liked by the “superior”.
Objectively — in order to succeed, but also subjectively — in order to win first place in his heart and thus not lose «parental» love.
I lack faith in myself
Why do a few working amendments to the report cause a real storm of feelings? Because of the widespread distortion in the process of self-awareness, the psychoanalyst believes: «If a word or action is considered wrong, it seems to a person that others negatively evaluate absolutely everything that he says or does.»
This perception is characteristic of those who do not rely on their own judgment. “For example, if parents did not give a sensitive child the attention it needed to overcome his childhood fears, or “forgot” to teach him to do without parental help, it will be difficult for him to evaluate himself objectively,” says Virginie Meggle.
Positive experiences acquired later (rewards, promotions) can alleviate these experiences. “But if we do not have clear internal criteria by which we ourselves evaluate our achievements, then any remark can awaken in us a childish fear of being rejected,” the psychoanalyst insists.