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Critical remarks hardly please anyone. But for some of us, the disapproval of leadership sounds like a heavy sentence. Where does this extreme vulnerability come from? How do you accept criticism and turn it to your advantage?
Natalia, 28 years old, florist
“Until I found a magic recipe for not getting upset when I am criticized. I’m terribly touchy – but at least I know that about myself. So, swallowing my indignation, I try to think over the remarks made.
What are the intentions behind them? Do they have a rational grain or just a surge of emotions? Then I sort them. Unreasonable – for example, if the hostess of our salon was in a bad mood – I set aside. And those in which I find meaning, I re-formulate in the form of advice and take note.
“I put all my energy into my work! – the 46-year-old hostess Ekaterina is worried. “Of course, it hurts me when they scold what I have done. And once I am attacked, I begin to defend myself fiercely.
And 32-year-old lawyer Roman feels not so much resentment as fear: “It seems to me that I do not live up to the set bar and everyone will soon notice this.”
The reason for such emotional vulnerability is, experts say, that today professional success has become a prerequisite for success in personal and social life.
“We express ourselves to a large extent through our professional activities,” explains business psychologist Maria Makarushkina. “That is why it is so important for us to receive recognition in this area: it confirms our viability in life.”
I’m afraid of losing my meaning
When we first meet, we usually first ask the interlocutor where and by whom he works, and only after that we find out about his tastes and outlook on life. Work determines our position in society.
Therefore, “criticism of our work is perceived as an attack on the foundations of personality,” notes Maria Makarushkina. – To this is added the fear of losing a job: after all, the loss of a job puts at risk not only our self-esteem, but also material well-being.
Particularly susceptible to such fear are those who consider their position the result of luck or patronage, and not their own merit.
I want to be liked
Often the most painful assessment is criticism from the leader, because he embodies the parental figure.
“Our childhood is symbolically re-enacted in a professional setting,” explains psychoanalyst Virginie Meggle. – In order to develop, to move forward with enthusiasm and to receive confirmation that we rightfully take our place, we must be liked by the “superior”.
Objectively – in order to succeed, but also subjectively – in order to win first place in his heart and thus not lose “parental” love.
I lack faith in myself
Why do a few working amendments to the report cause a real storm of feelings? Because of the widespread distortion in the process of self-awareness, the psychoanalyst believes: “If a word or action is considered wrong, it seems to a person that others negatively evaluate absolutely everything that he says or does.”
This perception is characteristic of those who do not rely on their own judgment. “For example, if parents did not give a sensitive child the attention it needed to overcome his childhood fears, or “forgot” to teach him to do without parental help, it will be difficult for him to evaluate himself objectively,” says Virginie Meggle.
Positive experiences acquired later (rewards, promotions) can alleviate these experiences. “But if we do not have clear internal criteria by which we ourselves evaluate our achievements, then any remark can awaken in us a childish fear of being rejected,” the psychoanalyst insists.
What to do?
Find the meaning
Those who have been criticized may want to deflect the blow by shifting the responsibility to colleagues or circumstances. But there are a few downsides here.
First, the critic perceives this as a resistance that he tries to overcome by toughening his assessments.
Second: you look like an employee without initiative and dependent on the environment.
Third: colleagues stop trusting you. Therefore, it is better to first find constructive meaning in the remarks and agree with them out loud, and explain the situation (if necessary) only after the emotional intensity subsides.
Criticism as feedback
Imagine that you are a researcher who studies the environment with interest. You have performed some action, to which the environment reacts in a certain way. Rate this reaction.
What new things have you learned about the habits, preferences, ways of working and communicating in this environment? What changes in your actions will allow you to get a different reaction?
Comfort the inner child
Criticism awakens in us feelings from the past: pain from childhood insults or humiliation … Use your imagination to direct a stream of sympathy to your inner child.
Let him know that you appreciate and love him, regardless of what others think and say about him. This exercise will allow you to find support in yourself.