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This question worries many mothers and fathers. The abundance of literature and opinions is confusing. It’s also not possible to focus on acquaintances — everyone’s situations are too different. Let’s discuss this topic with a psychologist and mother of many children Larisa Surkova using the example of our reader’s story.
“After the birth of the sisters, the son began to sleep with us again”
Marina, 41 years old
“My husband and I have been together for 20 years. The son was born in 2010 — the long-awaited and very beloved. He always had his own bed next to ours. But, while I was breastfeeding him, we got used to falling asleep together — it was more convenient for both him and me. Over time, we tried to send him to sleep separately, but he categorically refused. At the age of five, sometimes with persuasion, he went to bed, but then he crawled over to us anyway. This continued until first grade.
He went to school. We did not increase his stress and forcibly relocate the child. And after a couple of months, the son still went to sleep in a separate room.
We live in a «treshka»: me, my husband, my son and my mother. Grandmother has her own room, we have our own, the son was given the third, the largest. But during the day both ours and his become common.
A year ago we had girls, twins. I prepared my son for this and explained that we love all children equally, but he was still jealous. And again he moved into our bed … As a result, the five of us slept in it — me, my husband and all the children.
This year, my son turned 11 years old, and we began to seriously worry: did we miss some important moment for his “separation”? And now how to solve this problem? This summer we moved to the dacha, and there he himself left — not even to a separate room, but to another floor, where he sleeps alone. But in the autumn we will return to the apartment. Will the son fall back into old habits?”
Psychologist Larisa Surkova: “Children seek solace from their parents”
Commentary on the story of Marina and her son
“The story of co-sleeping until the age of 10 is a reason to talk about the violation of personal boundaries. A child at this age is quite capable of understanding that it is important for everyone to sleep and rest in comfortable conditions, and not in cramped quarters on the same bed.
The first time the boy went to sleep separately was when he went to school. This is natural: after the crisis of seven years, the child grows up and, ideally, successfully lives through the period of night fears, copes with them. How he does it depends on the parents.
This period begins at about 5 years. Darkness becomes uncomfortable even for those who have never been afraid of it. Often this is associated with an awareness of the concept of death. Children seek solace from their parents, and that’s okay. It is important not to expel them, not to devalue these fears, but also not to play along, not to exaggerate gloomy fantasies.
If a child older than seven persistently continues to sleep with mom and dad, it means that something has gone wrong in living out nightly fears. This is usually the main reason why children at this age do not want to separate. We don’t know what exactly “broke down” Marina’s son — we need to understand in more detail, taking into account the characteristics of all family members, including my grandmother.
The student needs a table to study. And his corner, some place that will only be his territory
Now, judging by the story, what can be called a “classic healing” happened to the boy. The change of place, the «picture» helped him separate and sleep alone. But Marina is not in vain worried about what will happen after they return from the dacha to the apartment. And here a lot depends on the parents.
The boy should not be in the same conditions that were before and under which he came to sleep with mom and dad. Adults should prepare the room in which he will live. It should be as comfortable as possible for him. The student needs a table to study. And his own corner, some place that will only be his territory, where a teenager (and he is already a teenager!) will not be disturbed.
The size of the apartment has nothing to do with it: you can separate part of the room using a screen, a movable partition or in other ways — you can find many solutions on the Internet. And let it be a surprise for the son. Most likely, having settled in his territory, he will no longer strive for his parents in bed.
When is it time for a baby to sleep in his own bed?
Sleeping with a child together or not is the decision of each individual family, and there is no single right decision here. For young children, co-sleeping provides a sense of security and is important for their mental health.
Even if the space of the house allows the child to have a separate room from birth, it will be better for everyone if his crib stands next to the parent’s for the first months. So mom does not have to run back and forth, and the baby will feel safe.
If the child sleeps with his parents, then after 18-24 months he can be transferred to his bed, having developed a special ritual of going to bed. You can combine the first time: up to 3 nights a separate dream, after the child is allowed to go to his parents. There is nothing to worry about, the most important thing is the comfort of the whole family.
In the wake of another age crisis, the child himself will want to sleep in his own bed
In the wake of the crisis of three years, when the child begins to live according to the principle «I myself», he can be moved out — to a separate bed or to his own room. Usually he becomes interested in his territory: he may like an unusual bed or bright linens.
But sometimes it happens that, having separated at the age of three, a five-year-old child returns to his parents again — this is precisely due to the living of nightly fears, which were mentioned above. If parents successfully help him cope with them, then in the wake of the next age crisis, the child himself will want to sleep in his own bed. But joint sleep with parents until adolescence is an occasion to think and turn to a psychologist.
It is important to remember that both children and families are different. What suits one will be uncomfortable for others. There are no strict rules and norms, everything is individual and depends on the situation. The main thing is to be attentive to your child and to yourself.