At the source of his feelings

It is worth talking about the relationship of mothers and sons, as a whole set of clichés pops up. About the Oedipus complex, about the fact that the mother is the first woman in a man’s life, that every time he will look for her traits in a woman, that he will never get rid of guilt in front of her … Whether this is true or not, but the idea that the mother’s relationship and son are special, lives firmly in our minds.

“This is almost physically tangible love, the edge, the limit of love, behind which only something real is hidden …” – this is how film director Alexander Sokurov describes these feelings in the annotation for his film “Mother and Son”. Why do they have such power?

If a woman tried to imagine that she was born from her father’s belly, that for several months she fed milk from his chest, that he caressed her and she bathed in the smells of his body, she could get an idea of ​​uXNUMXbuXNUMXbwhat is happening in the soul. at the boy. Perhaps the “feature” of the relationship between the boy and the mother is due precisely to this initial merging with the mother’s body. The temptation to keep the symbolic umbilical cord is great for both mother and son.

“From birth until about three years old, the attitude towards the mother of a boy and a girl is similar: she is the closest person, the one who cares and protects,” says psychoanalyst Tatyana Alavidze. “But then comes the Oedipal complex. The girl turns her feelings to her father: “I want him to belong only to me.” The boy is different: he continues to love his mother and competes with his father for her love.

“Human relationships are riddled with rivalry. And the connection of the son with the mother is free from him – and therefore unique. This explains its impact on the entire future love life of the future man, ”says psychoanalyst Alain Braconnier. He proposes to consider five psychological types, individual features of which are present in every mother, but may manifest themselves to varying degrees depending on the characteristics of her personality and life experience, as well as on the role that her husband or life partner plays in the family.

mother in love

Her behaviour: look, gestures, words – everything expresses loving admiration for her son, to whom she completely transfers the idea of ​​uXNUMXbuXNUMXbthe male ideal. She is always ready to praise his beauty, intelligence and other virtues, she is proud and happy when he succeeds. She is confident in his brilliant future, whether she talks about it or not.

She wants only the best for her son and is ready to sacrifice herself for him: he is the meaning of life for her. She not only supports her son in every possible way, but also demands a lot from him. She does not want to put up with manifestations of mediocrity either in himself or in his environment. This mother places all her hopes on her son. Even if she is reserved and withdrawn by nature, she encourages him, not sparing praise, affection and care. This is a typical mother of a “great man.”

Her influence: such a mother radiates tremendous power. From her, the son receives a strong self-confidence, thanks to which he will face any life problems without fear. He is confident and ambitious. This “chosen one”, inspired and inspired by unconditional maternal love, will go in search of the one who will take over from his mother and will not take his admiring glance off him all his life.

But it happens that his hopes are not justified – and then the novels follow one after another. The search for the only one turns into a search for adventure, and the handsome prince, having learned the bitterness of disappointment, turns into a don Juan. If this captious conqueror still finds the chosen one, he will demand from her self-denial and devotion for life. Strong, independent women, like the windy conquerors of men’s hearts, are usually of little interest to him.

Overprotective mother

Her behaviour: this is a typical Jewish mother from the films of Woody Allen – an anxious owner who dreams of merging with her son into a single whole and constantly interfering in his affairs. Her goal is to remain the one and only woman in her son’s life as long as possible. To do this, she shamelessly plays on contrasts, acting either by intimidation or by caress. She often exaggerates the dangers, both emotional and material, but at the same time pampers her son, creating the most comfortable environment for him.

Because of her deep anxiety, she passes on to her son a pessimistic view of human relationships, which causes him to become emotionally dependent and, in turn, anxious.

Her influence: sons, crushed by this cruel love, grow up in an atmosphere of anxiety, emotional immaturity and guilt. It is difficult for them to establish close relationships, it is difficult to express feelings and talk about them … For men who are literally attached to their mother, if they manage to cut the umbilical cord, it is only as a result of a quarrel, and once and for all.

Otherwise, they keep their mother’s devotion and prefer to keep their distance from other women they meet along the way of life and who, of course, rarely manage to win the favor of a potential mother-in-law. Therefore, such men prefer a few infantile women whom the “mommy” can symbolically adopt.

mother detached

Her behaviour: she deeply doubts that she can be a good mother. Therefore, she is always afraid to do something wrong, to hurt the child. Everything that comes from herself seems to her potentially dangerous – her emotions, her suggestions, her touches.

As a result, she stays away from her son, both physically and emotionally. This does not mean that she does not love him – on the contrary. But until he realizes that suffering is hidden under the coldness of his mother, he will feel not loved enough.

Her influence: among the sons of estranged mothers one can often meet misogynists and even misanthropes. Lacking the warmth and security of a mother’s love, they have difficulty trusting women and are often cynical about love and sexuality.

In close relationships, they are afraid to show feelings and, trying to protect themselves, show a frightening coldness. It turns out that in relations with women they reproduce maternal remoteness and suffer from it themselves. But if they dare to let down their guard and meet a confident, warm, warm-hearted woman, they will put their whole soul into a relationship with her.

Mother benevolent

Her behaviour: above all, this mother is a happy woman, content with her life partner. She does not project onto her son either excessive expectations or unattainable ideals. She is attentive to the needs of the child, but not anxious and does not seek to raise self-esteem at the expense of her son’s success. She takes care of the whole family and gives the child’s father his proper place.

She has many sources of joy – a child for her is not one light in the window. Although she is attentive to her son and able to establish trusting relationships, she never seeks to interfere in his life and does not act possessive, especially when he reaches adolescence. In a word, she loves him without stopping him from wanting and loving other women.

Her influence: such a mother raises self-confident men who are pleased with themselves and easily start relationships with women. If the man’s mother was happy, and he, in turn, will want to make his life partner happy. Sons of benevolent mothers are able to accept and express emotions. They attract women without resorting to bluff or show of superiority.

Such men play the roles of friend and lover with equal ease, they feel safe with a woman and feel confident in any alignment of forces. But they also have an Achilles heel: they prefer to build relationships with women based on goodwill, and not on love. As Aristotle, who probably referred to this type of man, said, “friendship is the best fate of conjugal love” …

mother overwhelming

Her behaviour: whether she knows it or not, she lives at war with men and seeks to subdue them. In terms of psychoanalysis, this woman wants the “phallus” (the symbol of power) to be hers alone. Possessing an imperious character, she does not tolerate objections and loves to command. Directly or more subtly, with an iron hand in a velvet glove, she reminds her son at every opportunity who is the boss in the house.

Her influence: after the experience of living with such a mother, how not to be afraid of meeting a woman alone? The sons of such superpowerful mothers behave paradoxically. At first glance, they avoid them, but in fact they are looking for a copy of them everywhere in order to start playing mistress and slave with their life partner again. After a while, they try to throw off the yoke with the help of treason … but in vain.

However, their submission is not unlimited: when such men feel that a woman threatens their masculinity, they can be violent, verbally or physically. So they avenge the humiliations experienced under the authority of their mother.