At the origins of sensibility

Premonition of pleasure and fear to afford it. The desire to find oneself, the fear of seeming frivolous or being left alone. Dreams of a prince and a desperate thirst for romantic adventures … Before us is a girl who discovers her sexuality.

“It’s interesting to listen to my grandmother’s stories about her youth,” says 20-year-old Polina. – Everything is forbidden, no information, morality, morality … It’s even hard to imagine! But do not exaggerate: today, not all girls from school lead a sexual life. Although, probably, everyone wants to have fun and are afraid that for various reasons it will end badly.

Decide or feel the line that is better not to cross, listen to yourself and understand where desire comes from … 16-25 years is the time when every young woman has to figure out what to do with her own sexuality.

Without complexes?

“Love for young women today is associated with the idea of ​​an open relationship,” comments family therapist Inna Khamitova. “They are looking for themselves, exploring their desires and limits, realizing that in dating and falling in love there is always a risk, the possibility of error and disappointment.”

16-25-year-olds have a strong need for honest conversations and clear agreements, they are looking for understanding men, they are not going to “correct” and “customize” their partner, which indicates their readiness for a mature relationship. They learn to build them and make concessions, while remaining themselves.

As for sexuality, here they are really liberated and free! “When do I feel seductive? Every time I look in the mirror, 19-year-old Yana laughs. “I don’t need the looks of men to feel my sexuality. I already have it!”

Perhaps this is the main difference between modern young women. “It’s like a pendulum has swung the other way: advertising with sexual overtones, films, TV shows, publications have done their job, fixing in our minds the image of a liberated modern girl “without complexes,” notes Inna Khamitova. “And many are now embarrassed to admit that they do not lead an active sex life or are virgins at all.”

images of childhood

The relationship of parents, the way they are used to showing their emotions and communicating with the child, leave images and fantasies in his unconscious, from which sensuality and sexuality are born. Thus, if a mother sacrifices herself for her husband and children, it will not be easy for the daughter later to accept her own femininity: she will be associated with suffering, and sexuality with submission to a partner.

At the age of 3-5, each of us has experienced the oedipal phase of psychosexual development. “This is a time of strong and conflicting feelings for your parents,” explains psychoanalyst Andrei Rossokhin. – Desire to possess a parent of the opposite sex and jealousy of a parent of the same sex. The severity of these experiences makes you look for a way out – learn to restrain your impulses and give up forbidden desires.

It is especially difficult to experience pleasure and realize one’s erotic fantasies if the girl has not been able to give up her very first love for her father and, even as an adult, retains a painful attachment to him. If the daughter fails to “outgrow” her, sexual pleasure will be inaccessible to her: unconsciously it will be perceived as incest, a violation of the taboo, which causes a strong sense of guilt.

unfamiliar body

Transitional age is also an important stage in the development of sexuality. “The body of a teenager is changing, new sensations appear in it, which is both intriguing and frightening,” says Andrey Rossokhin. – Relationships with peers are now permeated with sexuality. However, a young girl, unlike a small child, can be more meaningful about her erotic urges. She learns to analyze her feelings and deal with them on her own.”

It is easier for a girl to get along with a new image of her body if she is sure that her parents respect her privacy. Sometimes, out of good intentions, parents demand from their daughter that she avoid young people. “Squeezing down the hallways” seems unnecessary, but it’s an important part of getting to know the other sex.

“If a daughter’s sexuality frightens her parents or becomes the subject of their jokes, the girl begins to be ashamed of her body, her desires,” explains family psychologist Irina Shifanova. – Listening to parental suggestions, she perceives only one thing: “You have no right to receive pleasure.” Such an experience prevents in the future to freely express their sensuality. And when the handsome prince finally appears, it seems alien, incomprehensible – after all, she has no experience in communicating with men … “

Search and awe

There are many restrictions and prejudices in our sexuality. At all times, a woman was responsible not only for herself, but also for the life of her offspring.

“Plus the puritanical attitude towards sex in our country,” commented family psychotherapist Olga Rozhkova. – Mothers did not talk to girls about sex, they considered this topic shameful. They themselves were tense and anxious and passed it on to their children. Therefore, it is so difficult for many women to relax, forget, let go of themselves. And without that, it’s hard to want to have sex and enjoy it.”

The fear of appearing easily accessible or promiscuous, reinforced by the stereotype of a woman’s passive role in sex, leads many to suppress the first signs of attraction. And suddenly it will overwhelm me with a head? What will happen if, excited, I cross all the boundaries, I scream too loudly, I finally lose my head? .. These doubts make the body resist, the mind controls the behavior. Both are a sure way to bypass your own pleasure.

On the other hand, the fear of showing their inexperience encourages many girls to be deliberately free. “They are driven by anxiety and distrust of themselves and the man, the desire to seem like a “pro”, to prove to their partner their ability to orgasm, simply by simulating it, continues Olga Rozhkova. “But if one day a girl relaxes and forgets about what scares, crushes, imposes this or that behavior, she will succeed.”

Subtle feelings

Women’s desire is formed long before the girl is in someone’s arms. Everything that seems to be remotely related to sex is important to her: how she looks, how her day went, what her mood is, whether she feels attention, warmth and love for herself … Her desire is born gradually, accumulates, reaches its climax and wanders in the body for a long time.

“A woman needs to get to know her desires closely, study her needs and stop being afraid of them,” notes Olga Rozhkova. – And for this, she needs such a relationship where there is a sense of security, where everyone can talk about their feelings, where partners respect each other’s needs and are ready to discuss them. She will agree to be everything for her man if she feels his love and desire.