“At the heart of the tension is a battle between two women for the love of a husband and son.”

Real tension in the family is much more common between wife and mother-in-law than between husband and mother-in-law. The differences between the two women in opinions, personality traits and outlook on life become all the more obvious the more time they spend together. Even the decision to go out to dinner can cause clashes, not to mention the more significant disagreements regarding life values, work, place of residence, religious and political preferences.

Such conflicts in marriage usually surface early, but difficulties with relatives also arise in certain situations. For example, a stumbling block can be views on the upbringing of children at different stages of their growing up. A big problem often becomes the period when parents grow old and become more dependent on their children.

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At the heart of the tension is a battle between two women for the love of their husband and son. The wife carefully monitors whether her husband supports her or her mother. She wants to know which family is more important to him. Often the mother asks the same question. As for the man, he just wants the women to get along with each other. He loves them both and doesn’t want to be forced to choose. The very idea of ​​such a choice is ridiculous for him. After all, he is attached to each of them and must honor and respect both. Unfortunately, he has to take on the role of a peacemaker or mediator, which inevitably worsens the situation.

Decide

The only way out for the husband is to side with the wife against the mother. While this may sound harsh, remember that one of the primary goals of marriage is to establish a sense of «we» between husband and wife. So the husband should let his mother know that his wife really comes first for him. His house is the house of him and his wife, not his mother. First of all, he is a husband, and then a son. It is not very pleasant to take such a position. The mother may be offended. However, she will probably get used to the idea that the most important thing for her son is his family. It is imperative that the spouse be firm, even if he feels unfair and even if his mother does not want to accept the new reality.

The point is not to turn the husband into a henpecked man who does whatever he wants, even if it offends his parents or goes against his core values. You should not compromise yourself. However, he needs to be on good terms with his wife, and not rush between women. He and his wife need to establish their own family rituals, live by their own principles and insist that both mother and father respect them. Be prepared that strengthening unity with your spouse may lead to some distance from the parent’s family.

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Family dinner

This is exactly the problem David and Janey faced when his parents came to their new home for the weekend. Janey had booked a table for everyone in the restaurant and was very worried, feeling the superiority of her mother-in-law in terms of the kitchen. While the young couple went about their business, David’s mother went to the store and cooked his son’s favorite dish. When Janey and David returned, the delicious aroma of garlic and veal hung in the air. It turned out that David’s mother «forgot» about the booked table. The veal looked delicious, and David knew how offended his mother would be if he didn’t eat. He really wanted to ask Janey to cancel the order…

Although this case hardly looks like a serious crisis, but it was he who led to a turning point in the marriage of David and Janey. Janey watched David’s reaction with bated breath. And he coughed, hugged his mother and thanked her for the wonderful treat. And then he said that it will stand until the next day in the refrigerator.

His mother looked extremely offended, she burst into tears and made a small scene. However, it was worth it — Jane was happy. Ultimately, David’s message came out loud and clear: “Mom, she’s number one. Get used to it.» “That’s when our marriage really started,” Janey recalls.

For more details, see D. Gottman, “Men and Women from the Same Planet” (Eksmo, 2012).