At the beginning there will be the word “I”

“We can start with an exercise called Icebreaker,” psychologist Valentina Shipilova, the leader of communication trainings, suggests to me. — The participants of the training work in pairs: one asks questions, the other answers them, and the first one reacts to the answers, without giving them any assessment – neither positive nor negative. It is an experience of safe self-presentation. Would you like us to try?”

Melt the ice

Of course I do. And the answer to the first question is easy: most of all I appreciate my sense of humor. “Why are you dressed like that today?” The second question baffles me. I am usually dressed – jeans, a sweater … But I have to answer, and I think about how I dress in general, what is my style … It turns out that a simple question allows you to learn a lot about yourself and tell another about it – sincerely, knowing that he will not hurt you criticism or disproportionate praise. “This exercise allows you to melt the ice in relationships,” explains Valentina Shipilova. – There are about a dozen questions in total: “Which of the world celebrities would you like to be like?”; „What do you do better than others?“; “Who would you like to be if you weren’t who you are?” If we want to learn how to present ourselves, we must know our desires and our strengths.”

Say “I”

“In order to behave confidently and naturally, you need to work with your self-esteem,” says Valentina Shipilova. – A person who has it too high looks smug and thus repels those who communicate with him. The one who has low self-esteem also causes rejection: it seems to people that communication with a squeezed person imposes responsibility on them – you need to support him, sympathize. A confident person is responsible for himself.

“I-messages” allow us to talk openly about our feelings without judging our partner (as opposed to the critical “you-messages”). “They contribute to the emergence of unifying feelings, clarify the situation, make communication effective,” says Valentina Shipilova.

To learn how to use I-messages, you can ask friends or loved ones to watch you or play scenes of life with them by recording your interaction on a video camera. “When a person sees from the outside how he communicates, a lot becomes clear. We learn when we understand, feel and do at the same time,” says Valentina Shipilova.

express emotions

Expressing your feelings in a conversation is not only a way to improve communication, but also a great opportunity to relieve stress (if our feelings are negative) and understand what is happening to us. “In a stressful situation, we feel fear, anxiety and helplessness,” says Valentina Shipilova, “the same thing happens with an unpleasant conversation for us. These emotions can prevent us from adequately responding to, say, a manipulator who puts us in an awkward position. At this point, pause, take a few deep breaths, and try to be aware of how you feel: “I seem to be confused.” Speaking out, even mentally, our condition allows us to gain control over our emotions and restores our ability to control our behavior.

For strong negative emotions, look for a “bypass channel” – for example, in some Western companies, employees who feel irritation and anger can properly beat a punching bag in a specially equipped room or shout everything that has boiled up … “There are no such rooms in our office buildings,” comments Valentina Shipilova, – but you can “shout out” properly in any secluded place, and express aggression in a different way: for example, being in a traffic jam, resent heartily that it is moving slowly – without offending, of course, at the same time other people and using i-messages.

listen to another

In order for communication to be beneficial and enjoyable, it is important not only to be able to speak, but also to listen. Communication training teaches active listening. “By repeating the main idea of ​​the interlocutor and only then expressing our point of view, we demonstrate understanding and acceptance of the partner’s position,” explains Valentina Shipilova. – We give him the opportunity to hear himself from the outside, to think over and, if necessary, clarify what was said. For example: “You say that your son is often naughty in front of strangers and you are afraid to take him on a trip? You know, last year I went to Kiev with my daughter, for her this trip was just a holiday.

Such communication may seem strange, funny or difficult. “But when we use the active listening technique in practice, it becomes clear how productive it is: the partner feels that he is heard and understood,” explains Valentina Shipilova.

Connect soul and body

Difficulties are familiar to many: either a lump appears in the throat that interferes with speaking, then at the most crucial moment the necessary words are forgotten, shoulders tense up, the very fact of communication begins to annoy … In childhood, most of us express ourselves easily and freely. But parents cut us off, force us to be quiet even where the children do not interfere with anyone, and as a result, many of us become awkward and stiff.

“Our posture can influence not only how our voice sounds,” says Larisa Solovieva, leader of the training on voice, movement and rhetoric, “but also on the psychological state. Here, try it!”

I take the position that the coach shows me: arms crossed on the chest, head thrown back, the ankle of the right leg rests on the knee of the left. This is the so-called position of superiority, and this is exactly how I feel – I seem to be much better than the rest. “Imagine,” suggests Larisa Solovieva, “that a person who has stood in a long line to look at Michelangelo’s painting sits down in front of his painting in such a pose. He won’t be able to appreciate it! This posture is also unproductive for communicating with another person.

Here is another option: the head is lowered, the shoulders are tense, the look is from under the brows – and distrust and anger are born inside. An unpleasant personality is reflected in the mirror: not many people would want to communicate with a person who has such an expression on his face.

We are talking about our body, about the spine, the “tree of life”, and how its correct setting affects breathing, voice and perception of the world as a whole. From the outside, my new position may seem erotic: my shoulders are thrown back, my hips are “subjected” forward, but it’s uncomfortable for me to stand and breathe: there is a feeling of tightness in the lower back, stomach, and besides, I feel that I am gradually becoming stupid. And it’s very annoying! “It is no coincidence that, having started working with their body, having learned to stand and breathe correctly, many people notice that they have begun to think more clearly,” comments Larisa Solovieva.

Find an image of freedom

There are photographs hanging on the walls in the training room. One of them – a photo of a young black woman – Larisa Solovieva draws my attention: “Look, this is a poor girl from a small village. There are no special achievements in her life. But what a posture, what a turn of the head! She is relaxed and free.” For many of us, in order to gain such freedom, it is necessary to work hard on ourselves. To start mentally. “Close your eyes and imagine yourself the way you want to see,” suggests Larisa Solovyova. – Where are you located: by the sea, in the mountains, near a beautiful car? .. What are you like? How do you move, how do you breathe? Imagine how you – exactly this – will meet with the person with whom you now have communication problems. How will you enter the meeting room? Imagine this scene several times, entering and greeting all the time in different ways, but remaining free … “

I open my eyes. There is lightness in the body, confidence in the soul, and the shoulders that ached in the morning seem to calm down.

“This is what we teach: our “I” is formed in exercises, and then transferred to everyday life,” says Larisa Solovieva.

Sometimes communication is understood as a series of formal oratory techniques: to speak loudly, briefly, to the point … as we see, this is not at all the case. Thought, soul and body must unite – and then our speech can not only reflect the thought, but also make the word special.