Going out into nature is not only about beautiful views and new experiences. This is an opportunity to be alone with the world and sort out our experiences — for example, those related to our childhood and parents. As it happens in life, says the psychologist.
I had a special trip. That year, good work, teaching, fame faded against the backdrop of my fiancée’s miscarriage. Relations fell apart. It was a blow: I was over forty, I wanted children, a family …
One night I woke up to the fact that I see a place in the mountains: two merging rivers and snowy peaks. Inside there is a clear feeling: that is where I need to go. I began to listen, from the flow of information I responded about Kyrgyzstan! I finished my business, got in the car and left.
There were 5000 kilometers of road ahead, and I was revisiting the key moments of my life in which I either made mistakes or, on the contrary, became closer to myself. Crossed the border of Kyrgyzstan and randomly drove along a long serpentine. Evening found me high in the mountains. I moved out after the pass to the first dirt road. Removing boulders from it, I forded a couple of rivers, and then there was only snow.
What was my surprise when I saw in front how two rivers merge, and above — the peaks are exactly the same as that night
I looked at the height on the altimeter — I was 3600 meters closer to the sky. The sun rolled down to sunset and briefly found itself between two ridges. I did not see the full disk, it was covered by a dark spot, as in a solar eclipse. But the moon was on the other side of the sky! I rubbed my eyes and climbed up the slope — there were still two discs, light and dark inside. And they moved down at the same time. Perhaps an optical illusion, but it was shown to me for some reason! So, it was important for me to understand something. And the answer came.
As for any child, my mother was everything for me, almost a goddess. She was supposed to be both warmth and light for me, the same Sun. But after the divorce, she worked from morning to night, I did not really see her. All my childhood I sought her love, tried to be good. She could cook food, dress her, but there was no warmth in her.
She couldn’t give the child what he needed. Not because she didn’t want to, but because she herself is a “child of war”. Evacuation, hunger, dead father. She was raised by her sister, who is still a child herself. Mom did not receive love, she simply had nothing to shine with. But I saw a light in her, she’s a mother! And there was more anger in her eyes. She solved problems, I should not interfere with her in this.
And here I understood what the “eclipse” I saw was about — my mother did not shine with the Sun, she only reflected the moon with the light that I took for love
All my life I have been looking for warmth where there was none. A realization came to me: true love can only be given by a parent who feels it in himself, who can accept a child as a gift from heaven, and I was more of a burden.
Paradox: at that moment I forgave and accepted my mother. She could not give me what she did not own. All my complaints that came out in batches during psychotherapy disappeared at once — she did the best she could! With this understanding, the restart of my life began.