At home among strangers: how to adapt in another country

Psychological studies suggest that the level of stress from immigration reaches a maximum of 100 points (for comparison, the death of loved ones is estimated at the same number).

To describe the state of a person who had just moved to another country, the American anthropologist Kalervo Oberg introduced the concept of “culture shock” back in 1954. “The fact is that emigration is a radical change in everything: language, culture, behavior, history, geography, circle of friends, often profession,” explains culturologist Vladimir Paperny. Based on the theory of culture shock, when a person finds himself in completely new conditions for himself, he feels the conflict between old and new cultural norms. All understandable psychological and social factors that helped him adapt to society disappear, and instead of them, unknown ones appear, who come from a different cultural environment.

The duration and complexity of each of the stages is a purely individual matter. However, Vladimir Paperny emphasizes that “there are almost no examples of 100% adaptation of an adult. But somewhere after the first five years, the meaning of the words “we” and “they” changes – “they” now refers to the abandoned country. After 10 years, a person usually reaches the status that he had in his homeland.

The main problems faced by immigrants

Before turning to the experts, we asked several dozen participants from various immigrant communities to tell what was the most difficult in the process of their adaptation. Based on their answers, we have compiled a list of the most common problems and experiences that a person faces abroad.

Problem #1: “Lost in Translation”

“People who emigrated in the 1970s and 80s brought Helga furniture sets and collected works of classics with them. Neither the emigrants themselves nor their children have ever opened these books,” says Vladimir Paperny. — The only value worth carrying is the knowledge of the language. The notion “well, there I’ll talk somehow” is erroneous.

“Without a language, you cannot watch movies and read books, that is, you are excluded from the cultural context of the country,” agrees psychologist Natalya Tumashkova. – I advise you to start with children’s books and songs, because they contain everything that forms the personality in the place where you moved. Feel free to go to the bookstore and buy the most popular national fairy tales. And it’s also very useful to get acquainted with everything that teenagers “hang out” on: comics, cartoons, movies, music – this will give you a unique chance to understand the mentality of a foreign country.”

“I arrived in Paris with a high level of French, but as soon as the conversation went beyond “hello” and “a cup of coffee, please”, I became isolated and could not utter a word. It took me about six months to overcome this barrier, ”admits Anastasia. Does this mean that it is not enough just to know the language well? Often the problem is far from being able to speak a foreign language. Those who are embarrassed to speak a foreign language are a priori shy people. This is not the first time this has happened to them – to feel tense in an unfamiliar environment, even in their own language environment. In this case, the psychologist advises to come up with … an imaginary personality. In the new society, you have a unique opportunity to correct your image, to “play” with another person, to become better in your own eyes and in the eyes of those around you. “It’s like you put on a hat – from now on, it’s “she” who speaks for you,” adds Natalya Tumashkova.

A more radical option is to make an appointment with a local psychotherapist. Ideally, someone who also speaks your native language. For a shy person, this would be an interesting and rewarding experience that would help not only overcome shyness, but also learn the language faster.

Problem number 2: “housing problem”

“My life in America began very serenely. For six months, as befits a Russian writer, he lay on the couch, ”the writer Sergey Dovlatov shared his successful experience of overcoming everyday difficulties. However, for most immigrants, such a pastime is an unaffordable luxury. From the very first minute in a new city, they have to solve a lot of everyday issues, from searching for a grocery store to calling a plumber. Ignorance of the most basic and banal things becomes an extremely annoying factor and provokes an already severe stress. In addition, many immigrants feel uncomfortable without their usual things (this, by the way, explains the search for buckwheat abroad, which has become a byword).

It is impossible to miss this stage of the development of a foreign country, but you can learn to enjoy it. “When moving to a new place, do not rush to part with the image of a tourist,” advises Natalia Tumashkova. “In this state, you will not only be able to appreciate the beauty of the city you have arrived in, but also inquisitively and kindly study its habits. While you are a tourist, you have the right to approach any person and ask: how is this done? Where do you buy products? And where do you need to call to call the master? Unlike the native, the tourist is allowed to know nothing, but to be interested in everything. This makes it possible for much longer not to perceive a new place as a routine.

For those who find it difficult to be separated from their familiar environment, the psychologist advises to bring with them abroad those things that are very dear to them. And do not hesitate, even if these are not essential items: they will be a kind of “anchors” that create a comfortable environment for you.

Problem #3: Loneliness

Virtually all interviewed immigrants put loneliness in first place among the difficulties of adaptation. However, many of them spoke not so much about the absence of friends or relatives, but about some inexplicable and dreary feeling that often visits them abroad.

“We all experience from time to time that existential loneliness that is inherent in every person, but in immigration it becomes much more acute, because we are outside the context of our own culture,” explains Natalia Tumashkova. We all belong to a certain culture, whether we like it or not. This is the basic foundation of personality.” Therefore, being separated from his country, a person feels that he has no one to come into contact with.

In every culture there are a lot of “labels” that cannot be explained to a foreigner. “For example, you have no one to say: “My uncle has the most honest rules” – it would seem, what a trifle! the psychologist continues. “But when you are confronted with a misunderstanding of these things, there is a heightened sense of loneliness. And at such a moment, it’s time to get on a plane and fly home for a while. Or meet people from your national community, listen to music or watch a movie in your native language, in order to at least briefly get in touch with your culture, to get the illusion of being close to it.”

Problem #4: “Loss of Status”

One of the most difficult tests is the feeling of being useless and unknown, especially for those people whose social status in their native country was quite high. “For me, the most difficult thing was that the phone was silent. None of your friends or colleagues are looking for you. When you move, it’s like you are erased from the social field for some time, ”says Evgenia sadly.

“This process can be compared to how a drug addict gets off the needle. If at home you went into the room, and everyone “squatted”, and now this is not the case, if the usual levers of influence no longer work, then you feel completely naked and unprotected, ”comments Natalia Tumashkova. In this case, you need to remind yourself that all your experience, knowledge, skills, achievements after moving abroad have not disappeared anywhere – now you just need to learn how to apply them again. It is very important to remember your experience of achievements in the past: what were your resources for overcoming difficulties then.

Loss of status is easier to deal with for those who have had “starting from scratch” experience in the past. Even if you had to change schools frequently as a child, this experience can come in handy. But there is an important nuance – you can use it only with a positive message. Many at such moments remember that offended child who was transferred to a new kindergarten, and begin to feel sorry for themselves. And you need to get out of these situations only positive experience of overcoming.

In addition, the situation of “zeroing” has a positive side: you can leave behind not only your regalia, but all the mistakes you made – create a new, improved image of yourself. According to Vladimir Paperny, successful adaptation in a new place is possible only “if a person is ready, in the words of Kipling, “to lose everything and start all over again.”

Problem #5: “sickness for the motherland”

“A year after moving to London, I really wanted to go home, because I felt like a stranger among foreigners,” Olga shares. – Another four years passed, and I hung between the two countries, not deciding where I want to be. I miss my relatives, the birch trees, the banks of the Volga, skiing, the Russian soul. I began to idealize Russia – and I am aware of this, although I no longer remember how it really is.”

Olga’s feelings are familiar to many immigrants, whether they left home of their own accord or were forced to do so by circumstances. Very soon they begin to compare their lives before and after the move, and often not in favor of the latter. However, our experts consider this position extremely unproductive. “The most successful is the one who resolutely throws himself into the maelstrom of a new life, forgetting for a while about the old one. Those who are professionally or psychologically connected with the country of birth should not emigrate,” Vladimir Paperny is sure. Idealized memories of the homeland are a kind of self-defense against those failures that one way or another befall us in a new place.

Russian immigration of the beginning of the last century lived abroad for decades with a sense of temporality. It seemed to them that if not they, then at least their children would be able to return to Russia. And they put, thus, a huge barrier between themselves and a foreign culture. “If you decide to move, you should be aware that this is forever or for a long time. So, it’s time to say goodbye to what happened in the past, advises Natalya Tumashkova. – You can even arrange a ritual of farewell to what you leave at home. This does not mean that you betray it or forget it, it means that that old life will no longer exist, it has ended. There were a lot of wonderful things there (one should honestly mourn about this), and you need to think about what you can take with you into your new life. But after all, it was also something from which you left – then why not breathe a sigh of relief? How can you use all your experience and knowledge to adapt to other conditions? Only by performing the farewell ritual can one finally welcome a new life in a new country.

Much depends on the initial mood, our experts believe. Immediately after the move, your expectations and reality meet – and this is where the problems begin, because it is naive to think that they will coincide. The psychologist adds: “If a person feels that he is leaving, leaving all the most beautiful, then in a new place everything will seem terrible and “not like that” to him. Therefore, it is very important to create a “safety cushion” for yourself: to do good “homework” in your homeland – to study the culture, mentality and all the features of the country where you are going. Then your expectations will be as close to reality as possible, and disappointment will be much weaker.

What stages does each immigrant go through? In general terms, experts identify five of them:

• The first stage is called “euphoric”, when a person is in a contemplative-passive state. Only our emotions are included here, everything is seen in a pink light.
• It is followed by a “tourist” phase, when the most necessary information about the life of society is acquired, life is settled.
• The “orientation” phase is characterized by the fact that the emigrant begins to understand the political, economic, bureaucratic structure of the country, to acquire social ties.
• Then comes the turn of the depressive phase, during which the negative experience that a person managed to get in a new place is experienced. Of course, the degree of experience depends on many factors (from living conditions to stress resistance), but, as a rule, all emigrants go through this stage.
• Depression is usually replaced by optimism and a rise in mental strength. There is a desire for active life, there is a motivation to work and find friends.