At a distance: why we are afraid to get close to a partner

For almost two years, 37-year-old Olesya lived in severe stress – her husband developed an affair on the side, but Olesya endured betrayal, expecting her husband to change his mind. And so it happened: in the end, the husband returned to the family.

And now, when she again sees how responsive, gentle he is, how he responds to requests, how quickly they come to an agreement on various issues, Olesya does not regret that she saved the marriage. Although until recently she refused to “reanimate this dead horse” and felt herself “lying in ruins.”

And yet, after the experience, Olesya discovered that she had a need to retire. She distanced herself from her husband, believing that their relationship was too dependent and destructive. The focus of her attention has shifted towards creative interests and work.

She opened a nail studio, a space where she recovers and enjoys. Olesya does not invade her husband’s personal life, she has learned not to control him and respects herself for it.

Olesya’s self-sufficient behavior was the result of her mental pain and aggression towards her husband, but it is also associated with the pleasure of freedom and self-reliance. Previously, her attention was directed mainly to the partner and the relationship with him (psychologists call this period the stage of codependence).

The crisis situation has become an impetus for development. The desire to assert yourself and find yourself became more important than developing a relationship with your husband (counterdependence stage). Olesya discovered herself as a person and likes herself. But this stage has another side – the fear of rapprochement, the establishment of an excessive distance. This is what Olesya wants to get rid of today.

“I know how to be autonomous,” she says, “I learned to quickly go to the distance, but I don’t know how to quickly return. Sometimes it seems to me that I put a fence between myself and my husband above the roof, I feel this is too much.

Olesya is now solving a difficult task in relations with her husband: to maintain a balance between “I” and “we”. The need for separateness and autonomy alternates with the need for tenderness, affection, and her main task is to balance these two opposite desires.

Learn to move closer, then move away, without getting stuck on any of the poles. The ease of this kind of movement is called independence.

Olesya learns to voluntarily create periods of greater intimacy, then regains her independence, advocates for her needs if necessary (in case of boundary violations), initiates conflict without guilt or shame, and then moves closer again.

Union of equals

Counterdependence, as we see, is not necessarily a static personality characteristic, as it is most often considered, but one of the stages in the development of a couple.

In total, psychologists distinguish four stages*:

• codependence;
• counterdependence;
• independence;
• interdependence or partnership.

You can read more about the features of each stage here.

In a traditional marriage, there is a lot of obligation, manipulation, violence and prohibitions. And they come from both sides. Today, couples are gradually moving away from this state of affairs. No violence, no “shoulds”. Both partners work and earn, invest in relationships emotionally and financially on an equal footing (with the exception of periods of pregnancy and breastfeeding).

The idea of ​​interdependence and partnership is becoming more and more popular in our country. Partner marriage implies equal rights, equal opportunities and equal responsibilities in a couple. To what extent is this “Western” model – a union of equals – relevant in our region? For big cities it is very important.

Men and women want more freedom and equality: in leisure, the distribution of parental, household responsibilities, financial care. They are less willing to be “ideal” women and men in terms of tradition.

In this sense, there is an equalization of the sexes. In my opinion, the process is irreversible, but the replacement of some stereotypes by others will occur gradually, smoothly and naturally. Everything has its time.

At the same time, some do not want to be autonomous: they want a merger and a dependent position. Others want to be independent – up to separate budgets or at least a separate wallet. And each of us has the right to choose the life that he likes. If you, like Olesya and her husband, are going to a mature relationship, check your relationship against the checklist.

Equal and Mature Relationship Checklist

1. Low alarm;

2. Everyone in the couple has a feeling that he likes to live with this partner. The choice to be in a relationship is dictated by personal desire, not by a sense of duty or necessity;

3. Equal rights and equal responsibility. There are no regulated mandatory social roles;

4. Clear personal boundaries with good emotional contact;

5. The optimal level of autonomy for each partner. Autonomy implies the ability to feel one’s separateness, to hear oneself, to choose what one needs and wants for oneself (not for others). When solving problems and resolving conflicts, partners take into account the interests of everyone;

6. Partners feel and experience emotions without suppressing or ignoring them, but without giving in either;

7. Able to recover from quarrels – to adapt to the current reality without going into illness, without breaking down;

8. Everyone feels like not just a functioning organism, but a truly alive person, able to feel the taste of life, able to fill up and share energy;

9. Partners retain the ability to love – open up to other people and be involved in relationships with them, without trying to idealize or devalue.