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Assertiveness is about more than the ability to say no effectively. It is primarily the ability to express one’s views, feelings or opinions while maintaining self-respect, as well as the freedom and rights of other people. In other words, it consists in such communication, thanks to which you do not exceed the limit of your needs and at the same time do not hurt another person. Its opposite is aggression and submission. Assertiveness can be learned, and training and exercises are useful in doing so.
Interpersonal relationships include, inter alia, submissive, aggressive and assertive attitude. They differ in terms of attitudes, attitudes to interpersonal situations and the way in which we react to them.
A submissive (passive) attitude characterized by being subordinate to other persons or groups of persons at the expense of their own rights. It shows low self-esteem, lack of self-confidence and fear of other people’s reaction.
Submissive people are unable to defend their own views, and they also lose their independence. This attitude can lead to feelings of hurt, undervaluation, chronic stress, and even depression.
Aggressive attitude it is achieving the goal in all possible ways, even when it comes to harming other people and breaking their rights. Aggressive people treat everyone as a potential opponent, they want to show their dominance, they can attack others verbally and physically.
Aggressive behavior is an attempt to get attention. It proves the lack of self-confidence and the accumulation of bad emotions and stress. It can lead to numerous conflicts with the environment and, ultimately, loneliness and frustration.
Assertive attitude it lies between aggression and passivity and is a kind of golden mean. Assertive people respect the rights of others, and at the same time act in harmony with themselves and do not break their own laws or principles. They can express their opinions honestly, openly and without guilt.
This is due to, inter alia, out of respect for oneself and other people, emotionality, high self-esteem. These people are satisfied with their own behavior, are able to manage their own lives, and take responsibility for their actions.
Find out more: Interpersonal communication – what is it and how to use it effectively?
Assertiveness and criticism
Assertive people have had the ability to express and accept criticism, as well as accept other people’s praise and opinions. In addition, they are able to react without succumbing to pressure from the environment and, very importantly, refuse.
Being assertive is nothing more than seeing yourself as you really are and setting yourself realistic goals, achievable thanks to your own skills. Thanks to their assertiveness, these people do not undertake tasks that would exceed their capabilities, which means that they do not expose themselves to criticism of their surroundings.
Assertiveness means that we are not afraid to show who we are to others. Our relations are direct and fair and we are able to cooperate with others without major problems. At the same time, we are aware of our own disadvantages and advantages, so we are not negatively affected by temporary successes or failures. We make mistakes, but they teach us valuable lessons for the future.
See also: How to arouse your inner optimist and stop worrying?
Assertive people are empathetic, authentic, firm on the one hand and flexible on the other. Additionally, they are honest, sensitive and aware of their own advantages and disadvantages.
Assertive people on a daily basis are very good at refusing, expressing their own opinion and emotions, both bad and good. At the same time, it is not a problem for them to ask someone for help if necessary, but they are not embarrassed to refuse inappropriate requests or the demands of others.
Read: What is empathy and can it be learned?
These types of people are able to say “no” or “stop” if the situation requires them to. However, it should be remembered that they respect the rights of others while living in harmony with themselves and their own values.
Assertive people can accept words of criticism, but also judgments or praise. They are characterized by high self-esteem, which means that they do not care so much about the possible lack of sympathy on the part of others. Even if their actions may trigger a wave of criticism, they are still true to themselves. At the same time, assertive people set themselves realistic goals to which they are successively heading, overcoming successive obstacles that appear on their way, while respecting others.
An assertive person is not afraid of negative opinions or evaluations of other people. She respects other people based on their feelings and opinions, but also respects herself without being submissive. At the same time, such people are characterized by self-control and resisting pressure or manipulation and conformism.
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Assertiveness and psychology
Over time, how assertiveness was understood has changed. At first, it was perceived as aggressiveness, as it resulted from the popularization of pro-social behavior that was based on obedience (especially towards authority) and modesty.
This was especially noticeable in women who did not fit as part of the ideal model of femininity that has been created by culture for centuries. Such assertive behavior in women, as in men, was understood as aggression.
Over time, psychology has understood assertiveness as an ability, personality trait, or skill that a person has learned. If you want to learn more about yourself and your psyche, make an appointment with a psychologist through Medonet Market.
In turn, the promoter and creator of assertive training was Andrew Salter, the American behaviorist, who in 1994 published the first publication on assertiveness. He argued that assertiveness is a biological personality trait closely related to the ability to express negative and positive emotions.
Find out more: Temperament – what is it and what are the different types of temperament?
During the assertiveness training, the visualizations will work best. What will be practiced in your head will be easier to implement. Assertiveness will work in many situations, the most popular of which are refusal, expressing opinions, accepting criticism, expressing a request, receiving praise.
It should also be remembered that assertiveness forces us to be confident that what we feel and what we think matters. Assertiveness is a trait that rejects false beliefs about us and at the same time adds faith in our own abilities. It is the ability to firmly, yet softly, define one’s own territory and, on the other hand, to respect territory belonging to another person. Assertiveness is awareness of your own strength and self-confidence. It is worth working out in yourself, because it will help us in practically every aspect of our life.
Assertive refusal is firm, short, with no excuse or justification, for example, “I’m sorry, but I don’t have time …”, “Unfortunately, I can’t help you”, “I will not watch your children because I have an appointment today”, “I will not lend you money because I am not in the habit of doing this”. For this purpose, you can use phrases that indicate your own needs and preferences, such as “I will”, “I decided”, “I want”.
An assertive request is one where expectations are clearly stated, such as “Could you do this for me?”, “Could you please lend me this?” You should formulate a goal, do not exert unnecessary pressure, do not manipulate and take into account that the other party has the right to refuse.
Read: Emotional intelligence – what is it and what are the characteristics of emotionally intelligent people?
Expressing one’s opinion assertively is one that is devoid of fear of another person’s reaction or of hurting him, e.g. “I understand you, but I see it differently”, “My opinion is different …”, “I am convinced that …”, “Like I / I don’t like it ».
Assertive acceptance of criticism, i.e. calm and devoid of negative emotions (anger, sadness, withdrawal). One should distinguish between benevolent criticism, the purpose of which is to improve a certain state of affairs, and unfavorable criticism, which is intended to hurt or diminish someone. You can agree or disagree with the criticism, eg “I think about myself differently”, “I didn’t notice it before, I’ll think about your opinion”, “Let me do it my way”.
Criticism can sometimes be aggressive, which is often the case at work, especially in the boss-employee relationship. Then it is good to express your feelings, eg “I am offended that you are referring to me in this way” and inform the aggressor about his behavior, eg “You shout at me”, “You speak in a raised tone”.
Assertive acceptance of praise, i.e. devoid of self-explanation, self-criticism and diminishing one’s merit or knowledge. Praise should not be minimized, denied, or ignored. Instead of saying “I was lucky”, “Somehow I made it”, you’d better say “I’m glad you noticed it”, “I’m glad you like it”, “Thank you for appreciating my work”.