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Not everything in our life is predetermined. Much is possible for us, and much is achievable. But in order not to get lost, embarking on a journey, we should ask ourselves a few important questions.
What did you dream about as a child?
Recall your childhood dream and think about how you managed to achieve it. This will allow you to understand what guided you when you made certain decisions, and why you came to exactly the results that you have now. Did you listen to your desires or unconsciously react to the expectations of loved ones? Are you following your dream or are you still trying to fulfill someone else’s? If your grandfather, for example, was a talented pianist who had to give up music to support his family, his image may make you want to become a musician in order to “avenge” a virtuoso who never made it. “Children’s dreams are not spontaneous – they are saturated with family history,” recalls psychotherapist Mark Pevzner. – The answer to this question helps to determine which of our dreams are due to family memory, family myths and prescriptions. We will be able to understand what they are and how they affect our lives today.”
What makes you happy?
Before dramatically changing your life, it is worth looking for the answer to the question of what makes us happy, what makes us feel alive. Be attentive to what is valuable to you, what motivates you to action. Perhaps you feel happy when you give joy to loved ones, talk to a child, listen to friends or seek a contract … Having felt where what is happening affects us and even captures us, we will be able to understand what we would like to do, what we would like to contribute to life on our own behalf. In youth, we are especially happy about success, experiencing a wonderful feeling “I can!”, “I can do it!”. Later, the focus of attention shifts to what comes into the world through us. We stop proving our worth, it becomes important for us that we are doing everything right, that this is our destiny.
What if there were only a few days left to live?
Without hesitation, answer: what of the things you didn’t do causes you the most regret? “Dramatic situations allow personal values to be discovered, and the need to make a quick decision speeds up the process of introspection,” explains Mark Pevzner. – This exercise helps to understand how the way we live corresponds to the way we would like to live. It’s a way to separate the important from the unimportant.” But be honest with yourself, get out of the realm of socially accepted ideas about the desirable behavior in such a situation.
Comment by Svetlana Krivtsova
Finding yourself often means giving up striving for an ideal image of yourself and your life (if only because the ideal is unattainable, and a vague understanding of this can become an excuse for passivity). It is dangerous to rush to extremes, to justify yourself when something does not work out: you didn’t really want to. Having cooled down, it is worth asking yourself: is this really so? More often, the elusive still remains a value, without which it is impossible to live one’s own life.
Is everything possible in the future?
“Write a story where anything is possible and where you will be the hero sometime in the future,” recommends coach Dominique Sciacca. The purpose of the exercise: to imagine an image of one day of your future life. “Tune in to the wave of your feelings and describe everything you see, hear, feel. You will be able to imagine a state that you have not yet experienced, and thus free yourself from the fear of change.
Who am I?
Many of us experience undue stress when our career or lifestyle is at stake. “In fact, they are convinced, ‘I am my career’ or ‘I am my sex attraction,'” writes existential psychotherapist Irvin Yalom*. And he clarifies: that is why it is so important to understand that we are ourselves and that our “I” will exist even when everything else disappears. To feel your “I”, the therapist suggests performing an exercise. In a quiet, calm environment, slowly, write on separate cards eight possible answers to the question “Who am I?”. Then arrange them in order of importance: the most insignificant should be at the top. Focus on the topmost card and reflect on how you would feel if you gave up that attribute. After two or three minutes, move on to the next card, and so on. This simple exercise evokes strong emotions and helps you get closer to yourself.
* I. Yalom “Existential Psychotherapy”. Remis, 2008.