Army: experience or test?

Parents: pictures in my head

For some, service is associated with war: only at the end of the XNUMXth century did we experience several military conflicts. Perhaps the parents seek to save their son from danger? “What drives a particular family needs to be dealt with individually,” says clinical psychologist, Gestalt therapist Victoria Merkulova. “But it can be assumed that the decision of parents whether to serve their son is influenced by the image of the army. And he in Russia has repeatedly undergone changes and was associated either with pride and honor, or with fear for the life of a child.

Many of us have ancestral messages about how terrible war and its consequences are, the expert believes. Although now conscripts are not sent to hot spots, the fear that this could happen “in case of state necessity” remains. Parents have projections based on positive or negative assessments of other people, on the news shown on television.

“That is, pictures that already exist in the head of the mother and father even before receiving real personal experience,” continues the Gestalt therapist. — Positive projections are when we imagine how good it will be for a child in the army, negative projections are when we “see” how colleagues mock him.

Depending on what information and messages surrounded us, this or that projection will be formed. Moreover, the background of the mother and father may be different, as well as their opinions regarding the service. The only way to «dispel the projection» is to have your own experience.

Mother: fear of cutting the umbilical cord

For 46-year-old Olga, this experience was unexpected. This summer, her son, 20-year-old Daniil, a university student, along with his classmates, got to train for a month and a half in the «training» of a military unit. Most of all, Olga was surprised by the fact that good conditions were created for both students and conscripts: cubicles, rooms for five people, toilets, showers and … washing machines.

“I drew pictures for myself of how my son would wash with his hands,” Olga recalls. “But clothes dry quickly in dryers even in wet weather, the food is excellent, it is allowed to use telephones in the evenings. During this time, I became so close to my adult son, as, perhaps, I had not been while he lived nearby. He texts me every day. I realized that if he shares, it means he needs me, because for him this, of course, is a stressful state: men demand something from him in an adult way … «

Such an experience, Olga is convinced, was necessary for her son. “When he talked about the military weapon from which he fired, his eyes lit up. But the service is also a test of the ability to adapt. Many things were taken there: mine, for example, had socks. It’s probably embarrassing. On the other hand, in ordinary life, something can also be taken away from him. And an extra test — what he is capable of, what he is morally suitable for, how he defends himself — a big deal. Because life may one day put him in such a position that the army will seem like a child’s walk.

Hazing, which is used to scare conscripts and parents, can also be found in civilian life. Only it is called differently — mobbing, bullying, boycott, bullying. “There is no point in just being afraid, it makes sense to teach a child to build personal boundaries, to interact with people efficiently and honestly,” says psychologist, coach Tatyana Lyavenko.

If a mother knows that a child, even though he is already an adult, does not know how to stand up for himself, if he was humiliated and offended in kindergarten or school, then she assumes that he will have a hard time in the army. “Conversely, the parents of a hyperactive child that they cannot cope with can entrust the army with the function of re-education,” adds Victoria Merkulova. “At the same time, there is no “right” choice, what is best for the child and how to deal with the projections of the parents, there is just a choice and its consequences.”

Why are mothers so worried about their adult son? “Often, the mother identifies herself with the child,” explains Tatyana Lyavenko. “But motherhood is a series of “releases.” When giving birth to a child, we release it from ourselves, a cut umbilical cord is an act of separating the child from the mother, weaning, going to kindergarten, the beginning of school life, the army. To let go means to give him the right to his own path.

Father: rite of passage

The army as a real organization in the context of the country’s culture and power-legal structure is one thing. Parents’ ideas about it and its impact on their children are completely different, says Yevgeny Volkov, a psychologist, sociologist, social impact expert. There are different types of army units and specialties, each unit has its own commander — with a special character, temperament and values.

The army is specific people on whom it depends whether the recruit is lucky during the service or not. Often, conscript soldiers are involved in exercises that are as close as possible to combat conditions.

“When I participated as a commander of a motorized rifle platoon in 1987 in the last major exercises of the Soviet Army, our battalion commander was an Afghan combat officer. He told us in plain text that he didn’t care about the marks for the exercises, as long as everyone in his battalion returned home safe and sound,” Evgeny Volkov recalls. — We are back. And in the neighboring battalion, literally before our eyes, one guy was actually blind due to an anti-tank grenade launcher hit in the face. And I had a deputy platoon commander — a senior sergeant who, in a mountain special company in Afghanistan, learned to kill unknown people who did nothing to him with a sharply honed sapper shovel. He clearly had post-traumatic stress disorder, he really wanted to speak out, and then I didn’t know how to help him … «

The army is not an isolated universe: its state, traditions, especially unwritten ones, are completely determined by the state of society. “She is like a specific mirror reflecting his defects. Therefore, it is preferable to avoid service, if possible, especially in modern Russia, — the expert believes, — I look at this both as a father and as a social psychologist. I understand the inevitability of its existence in the modern world, although this is savagery from a universal human point of view, but I would not want my son to serve,” summarizes Evgeny Volkov.

Service in the army, says 49-year-old Sergei, the father of two sons, allows you to take the home boy out of his comfort zone. “I myself went through this in a military school. I was a sissy, not aware of the charms of the simplest things: food at will, warmth, a clean bed, sleep whenever you want. And in the school I quickly realized that these benefits could simply disappear at any moment, and we need to appreciate them. A man in my understanding is not muscles or the ability to shoot. This is primarily the ability to win. Including domestic problems.

The eldest son of Sergei is 15 years old, and he may soon have this road. “I will not regulate the process,” Sergey admits. — It will be necessary according to the law — it will go. No need — it won’t work. I will accept everything. But deep down I would like him to serve, even better — to become a military man. But the plans of 43-year-old Oleg and his son do not include the army: “My boyfriend studied at a prestigious lyceum, traveled a lot around the world, spent every summer at a language school in England. His future is definitely not in Russia, and even more so not in the army. Next spring, he graduates from school and goes to one of the famous universities in the world.

Mikhail, 49, has two sons: 21 years old and 15 years old. For medical reasons, they will not serve. The father adds – alas: “I would like them to go through this. In the army, order, organization — at home, in the family, it is more difficult to master, and when outsiders teach, it comes better. The elder tried to go to the draft board, but what’s the point? They won’t take him.»

Mikhail is convinced that any attempts to artificially protect children from conscription are harmful, first of all, to themselves: “I believe that if parents come up with non-existent diagnoses for children, try to pay, this is solely because of a sense of possessiveness. Children know that they are being “discouraged”, which means that this is possible in other situations as well.”

The role of the father in the family, in contrast to the accepting and supporting maternal one, is structuring, his task is to give the child a model of behavior in society. Often it is the father who explains to the child what is bad and what is good, and how to act. “It happens that the roles are mixed up,” explains Victoria Merkulova. “It’s not scary for the son, the main thing is that both functions are present and distributed between the parents.”

There is a stereotype in society — “you need to grow a man out of a son”, the army fits into it perfectly. It is important for a father to release a new man into the adult world. And if he regards his own experience of service as positive, then he perceives the army as a kind of male initiation with all the stages of such a rite.

“The first is a break with the world of childhood and excommunication from the family; the second is a transfer to an unknown world for a long period of time, multiple prohibitions, a public oath ritual, sometimes hazing, like tests that, during initiation, contribute to a person’s transition to a new stage of development, the expert notes. “And the final one is the stage of recovery, when the soldier ceases to be a recruit and receives the right to be in society in the new status of a man.”

But there are fathers who send their boys into the world in a different way: with the help of school, college, work. Excommunication from the parental home, studying away — this is also the beginning of a new stage. How the children’s life will end is decided in each family in its own way.