Being open to new things, being interested, responding to events… These are certainly positive qualities. But what if we do not keep up with the flow of events, and more and more often we want to close ourselves off from all these “interesting things”?
— A very interesting person has arrived! A businessman, but he was carried away by collages, imagine making them with his own hands, collecting natural material and industrial waste together. It’s only been a week in Moscow, one seminar has already passed, but you can still get to his lecture…
A friend called to invite me there, and enthusiastically talked about this bright personality, about the unusual circumstances of their acquaintance, where they met, and so on. And I listened to myself, trying to find at least a crumb of counter enthusiasm.
– Will you go? a friend asked me.
“Uh…” I hesitated.
— Are you not interested?
The question was reproachful. Really, am I not interested?
***
By association, another episode came to my mind, which took place a month before the one described above. It was about hatha yoga. I used to go there once a week after work. And at the end of the class, the organizer girl made a joyful announcement: there is an opportunity to go to a training meditation. Saturday and Sunday. By six o’clock. Who wants?
Already in the dressing room, she privately addressed the same message specifically to me:
— Sign you up?
“No,” I said with a categoricalness that surprised me.
— Do you think you don’t need it?
***
To be open, lively, interested, ready to respond to events… After all, these are positive qualities. We were taught this way in childhood, and aren’t we ourselves giving our sympathy to such people? Probably them. And not their unsociable, gloomy, closed antipodes. But here’s the problem — that’s exactly how I feel more and more often. I cringe at the invitation to «interesting.» I have mental indigestion from new impressions. My mental metabolism does not keep up with events and people.
***
There are not many deep feelings. It seems to be an axiom. In order for the feeling to become deep, the impression must sink into the depths of the soul, lie down there and rise again, enriched with connections with all previous personal experience. This takes time. But if impressions follow one after another, there is simply no time to digest them. We treat our stomachs with care and do not stuff them continuously — not only do we not stuff them with anything, but even with the best food. Because even the best delicacies cannot be stuffed into oneself without pauses.
— Have another bite.
Thanks, I can’t take it anymore.
There are, of course, those who are ready to take offense at the refusal as a disregard for their culinary arts, but they are in the minority. However, with regard to spiritual food, «Demyan’s ear» happens much more often.
***
An exhibition, a premiere, a training, the discovery of something new — dozens of events take place every day. “Drama club, photo circle, and I also want to sing…”. The immortal lines of Agniya Barto do not lose their relevance. No matter how hard we try to be in time everywhere, we will still miss something. «How? Haven’t you been (there)??? Yes. Someone is sure to utter these cruel words aloud. And since we are vulnerable and tender, it is better to prepare for this in advance. Because we have to make a choice. A choice is always a rejection of all other possibilities. If we don’t make a choice, if we don’t find the strength to refuse, then we will be torn apart. If not advertisements, then your own friends. From the best of intentions. «Will you come to my party?» What to answer? Maybe it’s better to get sick? I don’t know the correct answer. Sometimes I say, «I’ll try.» Sometimes I say yes. I also say: “I really want to come!” It’s true. I really want to. But sometimes I just can’t. Because I’m afraid that at some point there will be nothing left of me. That my «I» will disappear, becoming the background for everything that happens, that my inner world will turn into a kind of poster stand. And then I choose to stay with myself. Don’t go anywhere. Nothing to watch. Don’t meet anyone. Do not get new impressions. Process old ones.
***
Of course, it does not follow from this that I am not interested in what is happening around, or do not want to be invited back and forth. Sometimes there are happy coincidences: you want, for example, to go to a concert — and just like that … And the joy is doubly: because the soul was already prepared inside itself for new impressions, opened to meet them, and they poured into it with a full-flowing spring stream, and did not drive in by force, like piles in frozen ground. Or like this: the other day I was walking down the street, not busy with anything, and wandered into the cinema — the session was just beginning. The film, to tell the truth, turned out to be so-so, but what a fun feeling of freedom! Wrapped up, no plan, no schedule…
***
And it happens like that.
— Do you think you don’t need it?
And in the look of clear eyes there is such hope that it seems that another answer is impossible, except: “It is necessary! Of course you need to! If not now, then next time for sure.
But I loudly, honestly and sadly say otherwise: “Yes. I don’t think I need it.»
And I can almost hear the roar with which the last stones of my bright image are crumbling down.