Contents
Feelings of loneliness, sudden outbursts of irritation at someone close, an exorbitant pile of cases … What if we, without knowing it, fell victim to the abandonment syndrome? Today, psychoanalysts have explained this ailment, which originates in childhood.
Basic Ideas
- Abandonment syndrome occurs after parting, which the child experienced in early childhood and could not understand and accept.
- It prevents an adult from emotionally investing himself in a relationship: even the thought of a new break becomes unbearable for him.
- Allowing yourself to be loved is the only way to regain confidence in yourself and in other people.
“The feeling of rejection is one of the most common causes of our poor self-perception and decline in mental strength,” says psychotherapist, doctor of psychological sciences Alexander Barannikov. The origins of this illness, which he calls the “abandonment syndrome,” always lies in some difficult situation experienced by a person very early – in infancy or childhood.
This does not always mean that the child was indeed abandoned. In one family there was no father, in another the mother devoted herself to work, in the third the parents paid attention primarily to each other, in the fourth a younger brother or sister was born. An acute feeling of loneliness could be caused by an unsuccessful trip to a children’s camp or the death of a grandfather, to whom the child was especially attached.
First separation experience
For some children, such events pass without significant consequences, while for others they can cause significant trauma. Why are we not equal in the face of such trials? “Each of us has our own experience of separation,” explains psychoanalyst Catherine Odiber. – All of us – some earlier, some later – realized that mother and father are not always nearby, at our disposal, and are not ready to immediately satisfy all our desires. But not everyone experienced this experience of loneliness in the same way.”
Logic unconsciously concludes: since we were once abandoned, it means that we do not deserve love.
In some cases, the adults around us noticed, understood and tried to dispel our childhood fears. And in others, out of educational considerations, or perhaps out of misunderstanding or busyness, they left us alone with our anxiety, thereby strengthening and consolidating it. These adults are not to blame for anything. They simply did not teach us to maintain confidence in life and optimism when parting, probably because it was difficult for them to experience separation themselves.
Fear of a new separation
We try to forget this traumatic episode of our childhood, downplaying its significance or reminding ourselves that it is perfectly normal, banal. Indeed, what could be more natural than the birth of a younger brother? Isn’t it wonderful when our parents love each other so much?
“When we convince ourselves that the emotions that overwhelm us are not logically justified, we can only deny our very right to experience them,” explains Alexander Barannikov. But the feeling, even suppressed, still remains with us. On the surface, from a formal point of view, reason and our upbringing convince us that everything is left in the past, but deep down, resentment still continues to hurt.
Our logic unconsciously draws a ruthless conclusion: since we were once abandoned, it means that we do not deserve love. And this conviction gradually begins to spoil, poison all relationships with other people – both social and personal. “Therefore, we endlessly move from exaggerated sociability to unjustified aggressiveness,” says psychotherapist Daniel Dufour, “depending on whether we are seized by an acute desire to be loved or whether we are trying to provoke a breakup.”
This vicious circle often leads us to behave paradoxically. So, 45-year-old Valentin works tirelessly to gain the respect of his company’s employees, but completely sacrifices his personal life. 20-year-old Christina always starts quarrels with her parents, although in her heart she only dreams that they loved her. The reason is the fear of being rejected. Fear of being abandoned again.
In no area of our lives does this spiritual wound bring us such pain as in love relationships. It is in a couple that we settle scores with our childhood, projecting anxieties from our past onto a partner. 45-year-old Alexander lives in constant fear that his wife might leave him … and at the same time, “just in case,” he collects intrigues on the side. 33-year-old Anna dreams of a long-term relationship, but is afraid to “invest” herself in them – she is sure that she will not be up to par.
“The excruciating fear of being abandoned has two components,” explains Daniel Dufour. – On the one hand, this is a feeling that we do not meet the expectations of a partner, and on the other hand, confidence in the inevitability of a break. And when the breakup finally occurs, it is presented as just new evidence that we are unworthy of love.
What to do with this heavy burden that we have been carrying for many years? Psychotherapist Andrea Filia has compiled a test that will allow everyone to assess the severity of their abandonment syndrome and look at the problem more calmly. Her advice will help you forgive yourself for being left behind and feel that you deserve love today. You can take the test on the site.
Teaching kids about separation
One wants to protect our children from the abandoned syndrome at any cost. But at the same time, you should not go to the opposite extreme.
Catherine Audiber reminds us how important it is to maintain balance here. “We should teach the child to part, keeping calm, trust in life and optimism. It is dangerous to seek independence from the baby when he is not yet ready for it, but overprotection also leads to problems of rejection. From a very young age, it is good for a child to be alone for a little while, even if he is bored. Thanks to this, he will be able to reveal his abilities and develop curiosity.
We often take care of children too much, we always want to keep them busy with something, edify, explain what is happening around. Sometimes we forget that a child can explore the world around himself, learn to calmly endure his loneliness and our absence.