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No matter how angry we are with her, no matter how offended we are, we are unable to say: “I don’t love her.” Mother, mother — this is inviolable, you cannot touch it. Let’s try to decipher, perhaps, the most ambiguous of our feelings.
“I remember my mother and I went to my former room, where I lived as a teenager,” recalls 32-year-old Lera. She sat on the bed, crying and could not stop. The death of her mother, my grandmother, just seemed to crush her — she was inconsolable. But I didn’t understand why she was so killed: our grandmother was a real catty. Relations with which, by the way, cost her daughter more than seven years of psychotherapy.
As a result, my mother succeeded in everything: to establish a personal life, create a happy family, and even establish a reasonable relationship with her grandmother. At least I thought so. When I asked: “Why are you crying?”, She replied: “Now I will never have a good mother.” So, despite everything, she kept hoping? When my grandmother was alive, my mother said that she did not love her — so, it turns out that she was lying?
Relations with your own mother — at the slightest approach to this topic, social networks begin to “storm”. Why? What makes this bond so unique that under no circumstances can it truly be broken? Does this mean that we, daughters and sons, are forever doomed to love the one who once gave us life?
«I don’t love my mother.» Very few people are able to utter such words. It is unbearably painful, and the internal ban on such feelings is too strong. “Outwardly, everything is fine with us,” says 37-year-old Nadezhda. “Let’s just say: I try to communicate correctly, not to react internally, not to take anything too close to my heart.” Artyom, 38, carefully chooses his expressions, admits that he maintains a “good” relationship with his mother, “although not particularly close.”
“In our public consciousness, one of the most common myths is about endless, selfless and bright love between a mother and a child,” explains psychotherapist Ekaterina Mikhailova. — There is competition between siblings; there is something in the love of a man and a woman that can darken it. And the affection of mother and child is the only feeling that, as they say, does not change over the years.
No wonder folk wisdom says: «No one will love you like a mother»
“The mother remains sacred,” agrees sociologist Christine Castaine-Meunier. “Today, when traditional family cells are disintegrating, all sorts of roles — from parental to sexual — are shifting, familiar landmarks are being lost, we are trying to hold on to something stable that has stood the test of time. That is why the traditional image of the mother becomes unshakable as never before.” The mere doubt of its authenticity is unbearable.
“The very thought “I have a bad mother” can destroy a person,” says Ekaterina Mikhailova. — It is no coincidence that in fairy tales the evil witch is always the stepmother. This not only speaks to how difficult it is to accept your negative feelings towards your own mother, but also how common such feelings are.»
primordial fusion
Our relationship is dual, contradictory. “The degree of closeness that initially exists between mother and child excludes the existence of a comfortable relationship,” says Ekaterina Mikhailova. — First, a complete merger: we were all born under the beating of the heart of our mother. Later, for the baby, she becomes an ideal omnipotent being, able to satisfy all his needs and needs.
The moment when the child realizes that the mother is imperfect becomes a shock for him. And the less it satisfies the true needs of the child, the harder the blow: sometimes it can give rise to deep resentment, which then develops into hatred. We all know moments of bitter childhood anger, when the mother did not fulfill our desires, greatly disappointed or offended us. Perhaps you can say that they are inevitable.
“These moments of hostility are part of the development of the child,” explains psychoanalyst Alain Braconnier. — If they are single, then everything goes fine. But if hostile feelings torment us for a long time, it becomes an internal problem. More often this happens with children whose mothers are too busy with themselves, prone to depression, overly demanding, or, conversely, always keep aloof.
Mother and child seem to merge together, and the strength of emotions in their relationship is directly proportional to the intensity of this merger.
It is even more difficult for single children or those who grew up in an incomplete family to admit to themselves hostile feelings towards their own mother.
“For as long as I can remember, I have always been the main meaning of her life,” says 33-year-old Roman. — This is probably a great happiness, which is not given to everyone, but also a heavy burden. For example, for a long time I did not manage to get to know someone, to start a personal life. She couldn’t share me with anyone!» Today, his connection with his mother is still very strong: “I don’t want to go far from her, I found myself an apartment very close, two stops … Although I understand that such a relationship deprives me of real freedom.”
Almost none of the adults and even very unhappy children actually dare to burn all the bridges. They deny that they are angry with their mother, they try to understand her, they find excuses: she herself had a difficult childhood, a difficult fate, her life did not work out. Everyone tries to behave “as if”… As if everything was fine and the heart would not hurt so much.
The main thing is not to talk about it, otherwise the avalanche of pain will sweep away everything and “take it beyond the point of no return”, as Roman figuratively puts it. Adult children support this connection by all means. “I call her out of a sense of duty,” says 29-year-old Anna. “Because in her heart she loves me, and I don’t want to upset her.”
In debt from birth
Psychoanalysis speaks of «original duty» and its consequence — that feeling of guilt that binds us for life to the woman to whom we owe our birth. And whatever our feelings are, in the very depths of the soul there is still a hope that someday things can still get better somehow. “In my mind, I understand that you can’t change my mother anymore,” sighs 43-year-old Vera. “Still, I can’t accept the fact that nothing will ever change between us.”
“I lost my first child in childbirth,” recalls 56-year-old Maria. — Then I thought that at least this time my mother would at least show sympathy. But no, she did not think that the death of a child was a sufficient reason for grief: after all, I had not even seen him! Since then, I have literally lost sleep. And this nightmare continued for years — until the day when, in a conversation with a psychotherapist, I suddenly realized that I did not love my mother. And I felt that I have a right to it.”
We have the right not to experience this love, but we do not dare to use it.
“We have a long-standing childhood insatiable longing for a good parent, a thirst for tenderness and unconditional love,” says Ekaterina Mikhailova. “It seems to us all, without exception, that we were not loved the way we should have been. I don’t think any child had exactly the kind of mother they needed.”
It is even more difficult for someone whose relationship with his mother was difficult. “In our understanding of her, there is no separation between the almighty maternal figure, familiar to us from infancy, and a real person,” continues Ekaterina Mikhailova. “This image does not change over time: it contains the depth of childish despair, when the mother is delayed, and we think that she is lost and will not come again, and later ambivalent feelings.”
Only a “good enough” mother helps us move towards adult independence. Such a mother, satisfying the urgent needs of the child, makes him understand that life is worth living. She, without rushing to fulfill his slightest desire, gives another lesson: in order to live well, you need to gain independence.
Fear of becoming the same
Having entered into motherhood in their turn, Vera and Maria did not object to the communication of their mothers with their grandchildren, hoping that their «bad» mothers would at least become «good» grandmothers. Before the birth of her first child, Vera found an amateur film made by her father during her childhood. A laughing young woman with a little girl in her arms looked at her from the screen.
“My heart warmed,” she recalls. — In fact, our relationship deteriorated when I became a teenager, but before that, my mother seemed to be glad that I was in the world. I am sure that I was able to become a good mother to my two sons only because of these first years of my life. But when I see how she gets annoyed with my children today, everything turns upside down in me — I immediately remember what she has become.
Maria, like Vera, took her mother as an anti-model for building relationships with her children. And it worked: “One day, at the end of a long phone conversation, my daughter said to me: “It’s so nice, Mom, to talk to you.” I hung up the phone and cried. I was happy that I managed to build a wonderful relationship with my children, and at the same time I was choked with bitterness: after all, I myself did not get such.
The initial lack of maternal love in the lives of these women was partially filled by others — those who were able to convey to them the desire to have a child, helped them understand how to raise him, love and accept his love. Thanks to such people, good mothers can grow up from girls with a “disliked” childhood.
Looking for indifference
When relationships are too painful, the right distance in them becomes vital. And suffering adult children seek only one thing — indifference. “But this protection is very fragile: the slightest step, a gesture from the mother is enough, as everything collapses, and the person is injured again,” says Ekaterina Mikhailova. Everyone dreams of finding such spiritual protection … and admits that they cannot find it.
“I tried to completely “disconnect” from her, moved to another city,” says Anna. “But as soon as I hear her voice in the receiver, it’s as if it pierces through me with an electric current … No, it’s unlikely that even now I don’t care.” Maria chose a different strategy: “It’s easier for me to maintain some kind of formal connection than to break it completely: I see my mother, but very rarely.” To allow ourselves not to love the one who raised us, and at the same time not to suffer too much, is incredibly difficult. But probably.
“This is a hard-won indifference,” says Ekaterina Mikhailova. — It comes if the soul manages to survive that long-standing lack of warmth, love and care, it comes from our pacified hatred. Childhood pain will not go away, but it will be easier for us to go our own way if we try to sort out feelings and separate guilt from them. Growing up is what it means to be freed from what fetters freedom. But growing up is a very long way.
Change relationships
To allow yourself not to love your mother … Will it make it easier? No, Ekaterina Mikhailova is sure. It doesn’t get any easier than this honesty. But the relationship will definitely get better.
“Changing the style of your relationship with your mother will make it less painful. But, just as in tango two people must move in the opposite direction, so the consent to change is required both from the mother and from the adult child. The first step is always for the child. Try to break down your conflicting feelings for your mother into components. When did these emotions appear — today or in deep childhood? Perhaps some of the claims have already expired.
Take a look at your mother from an unexpected angle, imagine how she would live if you were not born to her.
And finally, admit that your mom can also have difficult feelings for you. When starting to build a new relationship, it is important to understand how sad it is: to walk away from a fatal and unique connection, to die for each other as a parent and child.
Having broken off a difficult relationship, the mother and child will stop poisoning each other’s lives and expect the impossible, they will be able to evaluate each other more coldly, soberly. Their interaction will be similar to friendship, cooperation. They will begin to appreciate the time allotted to them more, learn to negotiate, joke, manage their feelings. In a word, they will learn to live … with the fact that it is still impossible to overcome.