A lot, a little, enough – can these concepts be applied to intimate relationships? Many couples wonder how often they need to make love. What do sexologists think about this?
Sex is a mysterious force that leads us towards each other, connects our bodies into a single whole, turns two people into close relatives who once did not even know each other. But then what? How often do we need to make love in order to maintain this connection, and what if the desires of partners do not always coincide?
“We got married in our last year of university,” says 26-year-old Elena, “we were crazy about each other, we could hardly wait to stay at home together. Then my husband went to work, I entered graduate school. We were both so tired that we fell asleep as soon as we touched the pillow. Now it has become easier. But we have sex at best twice a week – on weekends. Maybe our feelings are not the same as before?
The intensity of a sexual life does not determine its quality
Sexologist Naida Dobaeva says that many couples, both young and experienced, come to an appointment and ask how many times a week you need to make love: “They assume that there is a norm that must be observed.” Accustomed to living by the rules since childhood, many of us want to know if everything in our personal lives is in line with the norm. In addition, in clear criteria, we unconsciously look for a guarantee that will help to maintain attraction to each other for a long time.
However, experts (uncertainly) speak only of the average age norm, but there is no individual norm at all. “The frequency of sexual acts depends not only on age or health,” explains sexologist and sociologist Igor Kon. – It is influenced by many other factors: how long this union has existed, what are the expectations of both, whether they have small children, what kind of work schedule each has. Various life circumstances ultimately determine the intensity of a couple’s sexual life at a given moment. Some make love every other day, others prefer to arrange sexual “holidays” for themselves and spend the weekend in bed.
The same couple may have periods of hard work, tiring family chores, and then the frequency of sexual relations decreases. And during the holidays, many couples have sex more often than usual. But the intensity of sexual life does not determine its quality. “In addition, at the beginning of a relationship, as a rule, both are seized with passion, and sex occupies a huge place in their lives,” says Naida Dobaeva. – In an established couple, partners gain mutual trust, open up to each other. The frequency of intimate contacts may be reduced, but sexual experiences become brighter and fuller.
Subjective numbers
Most sexologists agree that, on average, in the first two years of marriage, a couple has sex about 13 times a month (2-3 times a week). Five years later – 8-9 times a month. But the intensity of sexual life decreases with age.
“Paying attention to the numbers, it is important to understand that they are based on the results of sociological surveys,” says Igor Kon. “But there are very few of them in the world, and in Russia there are no long-term studies of relations between the same partners for a long time.” In addition, women and men are very subjective in their answers, they are shy or, on the contrary, show off a little. Therefore, we should not take statistics as a rule that we must follow at all costs.
There is another peculiarity in surveys: it is not precisely defined what “once” means. Our ideas about what it means to “have sex” are very different. “Each respondent means something different by this,” emphasizes Naida Dobaeva. – Men, as a rule, consider sex completed if they reach orgasm. Whereas a woman can enjoy caresses and feel completely satisfied, even if she does not have an orgasm. In other cases, she can reach orgasm while enjoying caresses, even if there was no penetration (penetration). The duration of “one time” is also estimated differently by men and women.
Miscellaneous desire
“Sometimes I am afraid that in the eyes of my girlfriend I look like some kind of sexual maniac,” 28-year-old Sergey admits not without pride. “I can’t help it, I want her again and again. At times she even has to beg me to let her rest.”
Men and women, we prefer different frequency of intimate relationships. This difference is due to the different nature of male and female sexuality. In men, the “hormone of desire” testosterone is produced constantly. The enjoyment of sex for a healthy man is almost guaranteed, and therefore a man strives for it more and more. The degree of arousal and the possibility of orgasm in men depend mainly on the state of health and, to a lesser extent, on his feelings for his partner. To these physiological features, there is also the tendency of men to compete, to strive to achieve more, to prove and feel their worth. The combination of these causes leads to the fact that the greatest sexual activity in men occurs between 20 and 30 years.
In the heyday of her sexual temperament, a woman enters most often by the age of 30–35.
A woman’s sexuality is more psychological. Difficulties at work, domestic disorder, a quarrel with someone close – it is much more difficult for a woman than for a man to readjust to sex and achieve orgasm. “In addition, in order for a desire to arise, most women need to feel tenderness, trust and love for a partner, to feel intimacy with him,” Igor Kon clarifies. “And the sexual satisfaction of women is also statistically related to their social activity, the presence of a favorite profession (men do not have such a dependence), intellectual and sports hobbies.” Female sexuality develops gradually. A woman enters the heyday of her sexual temperament most often by the age of 30-35, when relations with a partner are already stable, everyday problems are resolved and there is sexual experience. How do these differences affect life as a couple?
When a woman suffers
Many women admit that they agree to intimate relationships with a regular partner, even in cases where they do not feel desire. They are afraid that their refusal might disappoint or alienate their partner. But when a woman forces herself to have sex “through I don’t want to”, the result is often a dislike not only for intimate relationships, but even for touching.
In such cases, it is useful to ask yourself: “Do I have a desire to experience desire now?” If the answer is “no”, then you should not overcome yourself. However, it also happens that women underestimate the degree of their arousal, “do not hear” it. If you learn to listen to your body and trust it, the ability to surrender to your desire and transfer it to your partner will only develop.
Achieve harmony
Anyone who seeks intimacy without receiving it feels rejected. Someone who is forced to refuse can offend and seem insensitive. The harmony and well-being of each partner depends on their ability to adapt to each other’s needs and desires. “Different preferences will not turn into a problem if both understand what is happening between them and talk to each other with trust, love and tact,” Naida Dobaeva is sure. – When we respect the one with whom we have an intimate relationship, when we know how to express our love, we get true satisfaction. And not only from sex, but from life in general.
“Approximately 30% of men and women are genetically predisposed to experiencing increased sexual desire,” Israeli geneticist and neuropsychologist Richard Ebstein concluded. This is due to the fact that they are carriers of a special version of the DRD4 gene, which is responsible for susceptibility to dopamine, the pleasure hormone. Our experts advise those who prefer different frequencies of sex to establish a “weekly rotation” where each in turn becomes the initiator of sexual relations. Such a “rotation” will allow a partner who “lacks” desire to feel attraction again. And the one who needs a more active intimate life will thus learn to listen to the other. This evens out the positions and can even become an exciting love game.
“For the development of relationships, it is not so much the frequency of lovemaking that is important, but their regularity,” explains Naida Dobaeva. “Sexual intimacy bonds partners to each other, helping them stay together and enjoy it.” However, regularity does not mean uniformity. With age, relationships in a couple become more even and calm. Sexual attraction is somewhat reduced, but at the same time mutual trust is increased. The time has come to experiment together, to fulfill your innermost fantasies. We want to be happy, we want to experience all the joys of a love relationship. And for this, you don’t need to adjust to some conditional average figure, you don’t need to strive to win the “who is more” competition. Listening and hearing your desires and the desires of a partner, combining them into one whole – this is the best way to make your sex life joyful and creative.