Are we all manipulators?

We learn manipulations to protect ourselves from them, but sometimes — usually unexpectedly! We hear similar accusations ourselves.

“Mom immediately answered: “There is no money,” and I just said that my father bought real dress shoes for my girlfriend for graduation,” says 17-year-old Anfisa about her insult. It is not difficult to guess: the mother thought that the daughter was hinting that other parents were ready to spend money on their children and it would be nice to follow their example. Did Anfisa really mean something like that? She herself believes that no: “Of course, I’m a little envious, but I know our financial situation and would not even ask.”

And 58-year-old Anna complains that her daughter-in-law does not like her: “She thinks that I interfere with their family life, because my son takes care of my health and often comes to me. I have a weak heart, and he himself tells me to call if it gets bad. The daughter-in-law suggests in such cases to call an ambulance. “But why in vain drive doctors when they have a lot of seriously ill patients, and my son will sit with me, and he will let me go,” Anna objects.

Manipulations are difficult to recognize because they are based on deception. Moreover, we can deceive both others and ourselves, and we are not always aware of this. But before diving into the depths of the unconscious, let’s deal with what lies on the surface. What is manipulation?

They are useful

The word itself comes from the Latin «manus» — «hand» and means purposeful action. Everyone is familiar with the expression «medical manipulation»: these are activities aimed at providing assistance. Naturally, it is assumed that the person conducting the manipulation knows and is able to do more than the patient.

This shade of meaning is also preserved when it comes to psychological manipulations: the manipulator knows more than the object of his influence, but not because of professional competence, but because he is hiding something. As a result, the second participant in such an interaction is deprived of some information, which puts him in a disadvantageous position.

“The essence of manipulative behavior is the hidden control of others and the achievement of one’s own goals,” explains Andrey Ralko, a gestalt therapist. “This is a position in relation to the other as an object, and not as a person.”

Nevertheless, psychological manipulations can also be “environmentally friendly” — if they do not cause damage, says family psychologist Elena Ulitova: “When a parent gathers a child for kindergarten, telling him a fairy tale so that he does not act up, the parent controls the child’s behavior without the knowledge of the latter. This manipulation makes life easier for both. It is more useful to tell a fairy tale than to give explanations: «Mom is in a hurry to work, so let’s get ready quickly» — the child is not yet old enough to show understanding and sympathy towards a wounded mother.

In business, personnel management methods are widely used, which include competitions, corporate parties, joint games. The purpose of these events is not to entertain employees (this is just a means), but to increase labor productivity or the quality of service. It is also manipulation, and quite successful, regardless of whether the participants understand its purpose. Calls for conscientiousness — «you need to work hard so that the owner of the enterprise receives more profit» — would be more honest, but hardly effective.

Everyone knows how to do it

Each of us is capable of manipulation, and everyone knows how to do it — we learn in the earliest childhood. When a baby cries, the mother rushes to him, trying to figure out what is wrong and how to fix it. This is not manipulation: the infant does not yet have another way to communicate his suffering and call for help.

But when a three-year-old child cries in a store, demanding to buy him a toy, this is an attempt at manipulation. The toy is desirable, but not vital, and the child may ask for it. But he already knows that the answer to the request may be refusal, and tears — especially if the mother, father or grandparents cannot stand them — will help him get what he wants more likely.

There is nothing dangerous in this: none of the children wants to upset the parent, and even more so does not wish him harm. It’s just that the child has recently come into the world and is still learning to communicate with the environment, testing different ways to achieve his goal.

If the parent listens to the child, understands his needs and tells him what is happening to him (“you really like this toy and you want it to be yours”) and how things are (“I will buy it for you when I can, and today we only came for groceries, so I’ll buy you juice»), and will demonstrate his trust and sympathy for the child non-verbally (smiling, not frowning, talking affectionately, not shouting), the child will gradually learn to understand himself and the world. He will accept the rejection calmly, feeling that «no» about the toy does not mean the rejection of love.

But this is not always the case, and sometimes we grow up with little understanding of what we need, a toy or love, and how to get what we want without resorting to manipulation.

“In the first year after our wedding, my wife had endless colds and demanded that I sit with her,” says 28-year-old Demyan. “I was annoyed because I didn’t see anything serious in a slight cough. We fought, then she broke her arm, we had a fight, and a week later she broke the same arm a second time. Then I decided that it was time to do something, and talked her into couples therapy. After a while, I realized what it was: she needed to make sure that I was around and would take care of her.

As a child, her parents did not have time to take an interest in her affairs while she was healthy, but as soon as she coughed, her mother, who worked as a doctor, began to pay more attention to her. “When I heard her story, it dawned on me why all my attempts to convince her that nothing bad was happening to her were in vain, it only frightened her,” continues Demyan. “Now that she gets sick, I ask how to show her love: hug or run to the pharmacy, or both at once?” She is laughing. And the pain became much less frequent.

Pyrrhic victory

We resort to manipulation most often in those cases when we are afraid of rejection, we are afraid that we will not be able to survive it. And then, when we ourselves poorly understand our needs. “In manipulation, there is always a moment of obtaining additional benefits at the expense of another,” emphasizes Elena Ulitova. And this does not mean that we pretend or deceive.

The illness may be real, but when we encourage another to do what we can do for ourselves, that is manipulation.” The patient cannot go to the pharmacy himself, but not everyone needs to be sat with him all night long. In the latter case, it is not about the actions necessary to restore health, but about a way to make sure that we are loved, that they are ready to make sacrifices for us.

By manipulating, we try to create a situation in which the possibility of failure is minimized. For the sake of this, we instill in another a sense of guilt, fear, insecurity — this way it will be easier to manage. Example: “If you don’t obey when I tell you to put on a hat, then you don’t love your mother / don’t respect your father.”

The son to whom the mother says: “Come to me twice a week, because it pleases me,” may refuse. But when it comes to a sick heart, it’s much harder to refuse! True, most likely, even in this case, the mother will not be completely satisfied and someone else will certainly be unhappy: the son will begin to discord in the family, the wife will protest …

Manipulating, we try to become happier at the expense of another, but our efforts lead to the fact that everyone (including us) becomes unhappier. “If relationships are built only in this way, then the manipulating person can only win in them once again,” Andrey Ralko explains, “to “make” another, but not share something good with him. He can get satisfaction and pleasure from winning, but he will not gain trust in the long run and will not be able to experience the joy of close relationships.

Matryoshka needs

Can we recognize manipulation if we resort to it unconsciously? It turns out, yes: “A sign of manipulation is the excessive intensity of experiences that are difficult for ourselves,” Elena Ulitova suggests, “but instead of trying to soften them, we, on the contrary, intensify them, get angry or despair as if another is about to deprive us of something vital.»

Refusal to put on a hat, to come at the first call can cause a violent reaction with tears, screaming, refusal to talk — this is similar to the behavior of a child demanding a toy, but for an adult it is difficult. Why is this happening?

“Behind every manipulation there is an unconscious need: to confirm your worth, to receive love, to feel safe. We feel like adults in charge of ourselves when we are good at recognizing our needs and meeting them. But this skill is not given to us from birth, we learn this throughout life.

It’s not always easy: the needs are hiding one inside the other. Behind the worry why I didn’t get a call, it’s easy to see the desire to be calm. But even deeper is the fear of loneliness, which, in turn, is associated with the need for love and closeness. And it cannot be satisfied by using the other as an object.

“Among the manipulators, there are those who, in principle, are not capable of close relationships, for example, sociopathic and narcissistic personalities,” Andrei Ralko clarifies, “however, someone who needs intimacy and is capable of it will suffer from loneliness if, out of habit or from inability resorting to manipulation.

Away from Machiavelli

In the psychological literature, it is customary to distinguish “Machiavellian” manipulations: “Machiavellianism is understood as a system of attitudes and beliefs that justify ignoring morality, an unemotional, cynical, purely practical attitude towards others and using them for their own purposes,” Andrey Ralko explains. “The main feature of Machiavellian manipulation is that they are conscious and justified so reliably that there is no doubt about their use.”

Most of us are not such malicious conscious manipulators. “But the inability to build a dialogue and the fear of a possible rejection are very common psychological difficulties,” continues the Gestalt therapist. “But the second participant in the manipulative interaction also has its own problems: for example, the habitual desire to please others and the fear of being rejected.”

If all the participants in the dialogues were psychologically mature, there would be no problem. But first, we can check for ourselves whether this or that behavior of ours is manipulation. For example: «What do you think of my work?» This question can be both honest and manipulative.

If he is honest, this means that I am ready to hear any answer and any assessment, including negative. But if negative feedback makes me desperate, it means that the real request was different: «Praise me, I want your support.»

When we ourselves do not understand what we are doing and what our needs are, then most often we do not get what we want (at least in the amount we need), and we make others dissatisfied and unhappy. It’s not about resorting to cynical manipulation. It’s about being aware of what we need. Proximity and security are what everyone needs, and we can work together to meet these needs.