Today it is customary to talk about sexual orientation openly. «Hetero» or «homo» — we have the right to choose. But there is a third way, unusual, often hidden from prying eyes: such a choice … simply not to make. What if sexual duality lurks in each of us?
Now Elena lives with a man. And two years ago, her life partner was a woman. As far as she can remember, she has always been attracted to both sexes. At the age of 16, Elena decided that she was a lesbian, because it was with a woman that she made love for the first time. “I was also physically attracted to guys, but they all seemed so dumb! I agreed to consider myself a lesbian because such a label stuck to me. But consciously I never chose either homo or hetero.” To date, 32-year-old Elena has as many men on her love list as women. She believes that with such an unusual experience she kept her peace of mind only because she could talk frankly about her sex life with friends. “This has never been considered a shift in our company,” she explains. “I have always felt entitled to love as my nature requires.”
An alarming difference
Contraceptives, free love, gay parades — the sexual revolution is now considered a fait accompli. Along with the dominant heterosexual model, another homosexual one is recognized in our time. But the third path is still thorny — the one that bisexuals pave for themselves, defending their right not to make a choice, the right to love men and women equally — at different periods or at the same time. “In our society, bisexuality is often perceived only as depravity, a thirst for experiment where it is not necessary at all,” says sociologist and sexologist Igor Kon. “Many are not ready to give up the binary logic that assumes that there is nothing else between homosexuality and heterosexuality.”
But everything is not so simple. As early as the 1940s, Alfred Kinsey, an American biologist and author of large-scale sexological studies, argued that each of us has sexual behavior patterns in a continuous range from hetero- to homosexuality, and bisexuality is the middle link. However, even now, more than sixty years later, not only in Russia, but also in the West, few people dare to openly declare their bisexuality. “For straight people, I’m a gay who is just a coward to admit it,” says 30-year-old Anton. — And for gays — a traitor and a renegade. If you are not like others, if you do not take sides, you are always looked askance.
“THE RELATIONSHIPS WITH HIM OR WITH HER ARE COMPLETELY DIFFERENT, BUT THEY ARE MUTUALLY SUPPLEMENTARY.”
Elusive middle
“The study of bisexuality is not an easy task,” continues Igor Kon. — The point is not only in the delicacy of the topic, but also in the fact that it includes a variety of phenomena that are difficult to correlate. So, nowhere is it said that in the sexual practice of bisexual men and women should be equally. Moreover, at some period of his life, his attraction can extend only to men, at another — only to women. Another difficulty lies in distinguishing the actual sexual feelings from others. Let’s say, what will be more in a rush to a representative of the same sex — sensual attraction or the need for friendship?
In other words, all bisexuals are different. They differ from each other both in their way of life and in the way they perceive themselves. “Most people who have bisexual experiences identify themselves as either homosexual or heterosexual,” says anthropologist Catherine Deschamps. — Partly because these two categories are more recognized by society, and also because the attraction to men and women is expressed in different proportions. It becomes clear that simply having sexual relations with men and women is not enough to form a bisexual identity.”
Conversely, some feel that they are bisexual even though they maintain exclusively hetero- or homosexual relationships. Such people admit that they are attracted to both men and women, but do not move on to action. “One disapproving attitude of society towards such a practice simply does not allow expressing its preferences,” explains Igor Kon. “Although for others, bisexual sympathies may be a “cover”, a transitional stage between heterosexuality that does not satisfy them and homosexuality that a person is not yet ready to admit.”
Anton was convinced that he was gay until he met Vika at the age of 25. “Before that, I saw only men in my erotic fantasies,” he admits. Vika was the first woman I really fell in love with. I myself was surprised by the desire that then arose and was struck by how natural I felt when we were in bed for the first time. Vika, as they say, opened my eyes, but I think she just helped me discover the duality that I suppressed in myself.
Valeria, a housewife and mother of two, spent her first night with a woman at 42. Her marriage was on the verge of collapse, and she found solace in the arms of Anna, a lesbian. “In my youth, I was in love with one woman,” recalls Valeria, “but since then I haven’t felt anything like that. When I met Anya, I suddenly thought: why did my parents call me the name that is given to both men and women? Maybe they already planted some of their androgynous fantasies in him? After her divorce from her husband, Valeria was close to other men. And with other women too.
Love men, love women
“Of course, these are different things: when you hug a person with the same body as yours, or completely different,” says Elena. And relationships are built differently. With women there is more sensuality, more pleasure — because we know our body, as a man will never know, simply because he is different. From men, I want just what I lack. In their caresses there is more impatience, the poses are more complex, even with elements of acrobatics, because in bed many men strive for «exploits».
Do Elena, Anton and Valeria have a certain preference: to be with a man or a woman? “No,” says Valeria. “Relationships are very different, but they complement each other.” “My male and female components always manifest themselves in different ways,” says Anton. — I can’t say that I feel more masculine with a man, and more feminine with a woman, sometimes it happens this way, sometimes it’s different. I only know that I express myself more fully in the fact that I love both men and women.
Will we all turn out to be bisexual if, like Elena, we allow ourselves to express “attraction to like” at the same time as “attraction to another”, or, like Anton, will we show our male and female essence? “No,” Igor Kon answers with confidence. — Even if the attitude towards bisexuals changes in society, there will hardly be more of them. After all, our sexuality is primarily due to our mental organization, unique to each person.
Identification with parents
From the point of view of psychoanalysis, a certain degree of bisexuality exists in a latent state in each of us and arises as a result of our early identification with both parents. At the beginning of the XNUMXth century, Freud formulated the concept of «psychic bisexuality», that is, «the notion that each sex exhibits some features characteristic of the opposite sex»*. He believed that each of us has masculine and feminine principles, and attributed these concepts to one of the most confusing. “The fact that a heterosexual has homosexual fantasies (or vice versa) does not mean that he will fulfill them,” says Igor Kon. “Personal balance is built on the fulfillment of some fantasies and the suppression of others.” In any case, we should listen more carefully, try to get to know ourselves better, so that our sexual behavior is more in line with our actual desires. “Bisexuality cannot be tried on like fashionable clothes,” says Anton. — Harmony in sex can be found only if you listen to your heart. It doesn’t matter if my sexual partner is a man or a woman. After all, the main thing is that love unites us.”