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We get offended when we feel that we are not being taken into account. We get angry when someone does not do what we think is right. And we quarrel because of this with loved ones, although it is with them that we especially want to live in peace. But there is a way to regain peace of mind.
Why to the question of a friend “Are you not cold?” we answer calmly, but to the same question asked by the mother — with irritation? Because we react from different states of our own. We simply provide information to a friend: “No, it’s not cold” or “Perhaps a little cool.” And when a mother comes to us, we, for example, assume that she wants to control us, and we protest: “Leave me alone!”
We do not always notice ourselves how we get into this or that state. But if we learn to recognize them, we can choose which one to be in. And become more calm and flexible.
1. We go through theoretical training
The creator of transactional analysis, Eric Berne, talked about three main parts of our «I»: Parent, Adult and Child. Schematically, they are depicted as a «snowman» of three circles with the letters P, B, D (Child, not to be confused with P — parent).
For example, we enter the office and a colleague asks, “What time is it?” Read the three answers. What do you think, in which of the three I-states is the respondent?
“It’s time for you to start your watch!”
«Half past twelve».
«Am I late for the meeting?»
Each I-state has certain feelings and experiences. In the Child state, we think we’ve been caught being late and are afraid of being punished. In the state of the Parent, we “turn on” indignation, anger.
Often we experience bodily sensations in these states. Fear is accompanied by palpitations and sweating, the voice may be high and vibrating. Anger — tension in the body, we can clench our fists, the voice intensifies, blood rushes to the face.
And in the Adult state, we remain calm, analyze reality and provide the requested information.
Why? Eric Berne offered an explanation.
In Child we unconsciously react in the way we once did in childhood.
In Parent we suddenly hear the intonations of our own mom and dad or other significant adults, although we don’t really recognize these “voices” until we analyze. It is they who interfere with being «here and now» — in the state that helps to maintain sobriety of mind and calmness. Because of them, we often experience misunderstandings and even create conflict unnecessarily.
Adult we can perceive information, analyze it, negotiate with others. This state helps to test reality without judgments, labels and emotional «noise».
2. We determine our I-state: who spoke in us?
This exercise will help you manifest your unconscious reactions and teach you to see the difference between self-states. Think back to the last 24 hours of your life.
Looking for Parent
Have you ever acted like your parents or other authority figures? What thoughts, feelings and behaviors accompanied this? It will probably be easy for you to determine who you are copying. So, a grandmother, grandfather, older brother or music teacher can appear in the mirror.
There are many judgments, prejudices, family mottos in the Parental Self-state. It is from the Parent that verdicts sound in my head: “All men are selfish”, “Taxi drivers never know the way”, “No one can be trusted”.
Looking for an Adult
And finally, in what situations did your behavior, thoughts and feelings be a direct response to what is happening «here and now» and you «did not fall into childhood» and did not turn on the Parent?
Write one example for each of these three responses in the last XNUMX hours.
Looking for a Child
Were there times during that time when you acted, thought, and felt the same way you did when you were a child? What did you think about yourself, about others and about the world in general? It is good to do this exercise in front of a mirror: in this way you will see how your state changes and how your Child comes to the fore.
You may be able to recall some event from the past when you experienced something similar. How old were you then? There are many fantasies in the Child (or illusions, as Berne said) that are taken for reality. If someone laughs, then certainly at you. «People don’t like me», «I can’t quit smoking», «I’m a loser».
3. Bringing ourselves back to reality
When we are caught up in too strong emotions, we fall into the Parent or Child state. In order to manage oneself and behavior, it is useful to practice the state of the Adult in advance. Then we can enter it when needed.
Take a sheet of paper and title it «I am a person who …». In two minutes, write all the options for the proposal. After that, relax and enter the Adult state through the body: for this, peer into the room you are in for a few minutes.
Help yourself by assuming the following posture: sit upright in a chair with your feet on the floor, if they are crossed, put them straight
Look at what you wrote. Check each option for reality. Replace the sentence «of a Child» with an Adult phrase. For example: “I don’t know how to get along with others” we change to: “I communicate well with Vanya and Nastya. So I can be friendly and get along well with others.”
Now take another sheet of paper. In two minutes, write down all the mottos and beliefs that you heard from your parents and other significant figures. Again we “turn on” through the body of our Adult. Which phrases on the list reflect reality and which do not?
Replace phrases with new ones. For example: “If something doesn’t work out, try again and again” is transformed like this: “If something doesn’t work out for you, change what you are doing so that it starts working out.”
Our Adult state brings us back to reality and allows us to make adequate decisions.