Am I raising my child right? Will I harm him? We blame ourselves for being too attentive or inattentive to the child, being too protective or, on the contrary, paying too little attention to him. Can parents get rid of guilt towards their own children? The opinion of a psychoanalyst.
Today, more than ever before, we feel entitled to raise our children as we see fit. In many families, authoritarianism is replaced by relaxation, friendship, and freedom. Have we become calmer because of this as parents? Not sure. Even when we first take a newborn in our arms, anxiety is added to the great joy. And in the future, it only changes shape, but does not disappear. Will we be able to adequately fulfill our task? Will we be able to raise children without giving them our shortcomings, without burdening them with the sorrows of our past? Will we be able to take care of them without patronizing them beyond measure, instruct them without suppressing them? What if we think we’re doing everything right, but we’re actually doing it worse? It seems that the more we strive to be good parents, the harder it is for us to admit that we are only “good enough”*. It is likely that parents will never be able to completely get rid of guilt, but we can alleviate it if we understand its unconscious causes and refuse to follow simplistic parenting advice. And besides, we recognize that children are not always grateful to their parents.
Psychologies: Is it possible to be a parent and not doubt yourself?
Claude Almos: Unlikely. Everyone, to one degree or another, knows the fear of doing something wrong, not being up to par, and even harming their child. These fears are inevitable. Of course, they are connected with the fact that we find ourselves in a new situation for ourselves: how not to feel confusion when starting to get to know a little person, especially if this happens for the first time? However, the reason for fears is not only this. Often they are associated with the childhood of the parents themselves. If you grew up like weeds, without any guidelines, you have nowhere to learn how to raise a child. Therefore, it is not surprising if, in addition to the usual uncertainty in such cases, you experience a deeper sense of guilt, helplessness, or consider that you do not have the right to reprimand the child.
“It seems that the more we strive to be good parents, the harder it is for us to admit that we are only “good enough”
That is, adults may feel that they are not ready to become parents?
K.A.: A woman is always much calmer if, from childhood, her mother strengthened her self-confidence, and with the birth of a grandson or granddaughter, she was able to tell her: “Don’t worry, at first everyone feels insecure, but, in my opinion, you are already doing well” . Conversely, if every time the daughter is confused, the mother repeats: “Go away, I will do it myself,” the woman will be very anxious and very vulnerable. It is not uncommon for me to find out at an appointment that a parent’s difficulties are at least partly due to what someone close to them or the staff at the maternity hospital told them. It could be a hidden threat: “Well, you have a nervous child, you still have to be patient with him!” or condemnation: “Probably you just don’t have enough milk.” Pregnancy and childbirth is the period of maximum mental vulnerability of a woman. Everything that is said at this time about the abilities of young parents, about the appearance and behavior of the baby, will be remembered for a long time.
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- “I was so ashamed of my parents…”
Moreover, parents are becoming more and more aware of the consequences of upbringing.
K.A.: Yes. In recent decades, the idea of a child has changed, and the guilt that has always haunted parents has become more noticeable. The possibility of contraception also seriously influenced: the more consciously our decision to have a child, the more we value him, the more we invest in his upbringing. In addition, the position of the child has changed with the advent of the results of psychological research describing the development of children. In the days of upbringing with a carrot and a stick, growing up was dramatic, but it was much easier for parents – because it was believed that they were obviously right in everything. Since the child began to be perceived as an independent, vulnerable, constantly changing human being, parents have more and more questions. Their confidence was shaken. They are afraid of inadvertent harm.
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Is there a contradiction here? After all, knowledge, it seems, should have made their lives easier.
K.A.: It is not that simple. Today, knowledge about the child’s psyche is spread in uncontrolled flows and presented as pedagogical directives. We hear endlessly simplistic and mutually exclusive advice. Confused parents grab onto them like a lifeline, but advice is worthless unless you first figure out what the underlying causes of children’s difficulties are. Let’s say your child is not sleeping well. The doctor must study all the circumstances: since when and with whom the child cannot fall asleep? What is the atmosphere in the family, how is the family dinner going, how does the child feel at school? It is necessary to consider the situation in detail in order to see the problem from all sides. How does the child perceive restrictions? Did they explain to him that parents should have their own life in the evenings, without him? Does he know why people sleep? Each case requires an individual approach, which the media cannot do. Therefore, their advice cannot help. This is a swindle!
What exactly makes you angry? If advice is ineffective, what impact can it have on parents?
“Since the child began to be perceived as a vulnerable, changing human being, parents’ self-confidence has been shaken, they have more and more questions”
K.A.: The fact that advice does not work is one thing. The problem is that they gradually impose the idea of a certain norm, and in the hidden pressure that they thereby exert on parents. Parenting advice creates images of the ideal child, the ideal parent, and the ideal approach to parenting that don’t really exist. Parents, having tried everything, feel depressed and guilty when what seemed so obvious in the pages of a magazine does not work in real life. But even more fears I have a new trend. Magazines vying with each other shout: “To hell with advice! Let everyone do what he pleases! No more “Time to sleep” or “Stop playing computer”! This is not only pointless, but also dangerous for the child – in order to grow up, he needs guidelines.
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Don’t you think that today, when parents are struggling to live up to their role, softening the pressure on them is not a bad idea?
K.A.: We need to help parents get rid of false stereotypes and trust themselves more. But their personal intuition only makes sense when it works within certain limits. And this framework is the result of our work with children (and adults), which shows what helps them develop properly or, on the contrary, hinders them. Doing it your way is very good. Provided that you know: in the same way that a child is not poured wine, he is not put to sleep in his parents’ bed. These are the guidelines that psychologists help to establish. They also help to distinguish the natural fear of doing something wrong from neurotic guilt: a person constantly feels guilty, but does not know why. This often happens to women. The mother blames herself for harming the child if she allows herself to live her life: work, go to visit, meet men – just as she felt guilty before her mother when she became a woman. But when the mother is full of strength and happy, this is a huge plus for the child, even if she does not do it all her free time.
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What about men? After all, if they are engaged in a family, the blame also falls on them?
K.A.: In my opinion, they adapt better in a similar situation. Because, even if they are involved in the life of the family, the belief that the house and children are the woman’s area of responsibility is still valid. It shocks me that most of the emails I answer to Psychologies magazine are written by women. You might think they are speaking on behalf of a couple, but no, most tell how lonely it is for them to raise children, even if they are married. Most often, I answer the same thing: it is necessary that the father does not stand aside, reminds of the rules and establishes his authority in the family. But it is not easy for men to do this, because the position of women in society has changed. From now on, women can do everything, and men feel unnecessary and easily replaceable. The modern ideology, in which father and mother are only roles that different family members can try on, does not improve the situation: in the end, it turns out that we place even more on the shoulders of women, and deprive men of their rightful place in the family. But the whole point of raising a child together is that each parent has his own personal story, his own difficulties and anxieties. It is impossible to find a way out of a predicament if you are closed in your own ideas. But when there are two of you, you have different ways of thinking, and the other can see the situation in a new way and come up with a different solution to the problem. In addition, when there are two parents, then you have less guilt for what you do, in your opinion, is not right. And you can allow yourself to spend time on yourself, giving the other the opportunity to take more care of the child.
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How does parental guilt affect a child?
K.A.: It creates misunderstanding. Many parents do not realize that their children’s problems are related to the adults’ fear of not doing something well enough, of passing on their perceived “flaws” to the child, of being helpless or bad… This unconscious feeling of guilt weighs heavily on relationships with children. For example, a parent who doubts himself may not be able to set boundaries. Or he justifies in advance the child’s pranks, his refusal to grow up or failure in school, because he has an attitude: “If I weren’t so bad, my child would be better.” But the child does not understand that the adult is not sure of himself. It seems to him that since mom or dad does not forbid him something, it means that they approve of his bad behavior. As a result, it is difficult for the child to form an idea of himself, to understand how to behave, and to find his place in life.
So, if you do not try to get rid of your guilt, there is a risk that it will be passed on to the child?
“Adults are afraid to do something wrong, to pass on their shortcomings to the child, to be helpless. Parental guilt gives rise to misunderstanding in children.
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K.A.: In a sense, yes. When a parent sees the difficulties of his child, he usually explains them based on his own experience, self-image. He projects onto his son or daughter an image of himself as a child. If an adult is worried about a child who is actually fine, it makes sense to refer that child to another psychologist. Let him confirm that everything is in order with him – then the adult will have the opportunity to separate reality from his projections. Often parents are afraid that because of them, children will experience the same thing that they once experienced themselves. When a man suffers because he told his son or daughter what he himself once said, I say: “If your parents could say:“ I said (did) something wrong and harmed you , forgive me, “- your life might have gone differently, because you would feel that you are considered an adult and independent person … “If the parents are ready to listen to the child, even if only ten minutes a day (the main thing is that they really paid attention to him), if they are ready to enter into a dialogue with him and admit their mistakes when necessary, this will already mean a lot to the child.
* For a good enough mother, see Little Children and Their Mothers by Donald Woods Winnicott (Klass, 2013).