Are “good enough” relationships good enough?

Telling your partner that he or she is «good enough» won’t turn your tongue. It almost sounds like an insult. After all, “enough” means tolerably, tolerably. But not perfect. Not the best, not like in romantic movies. Similarly, you can’t say, «I love you even though you’re my compromise.» But the thing is that we often feel that way.

Choosing a “good enough” partner implies that we have given up something, made a compromise, abandoned romantic ideals. So should we strive to find the best person on earth, or be content with the «right» life partner?

What does «enough» mean?

«Enough» means «as much as needed». And ideal love gives much more. Perfect love is never «enough», we can’t get enough of a partner — the better he is, the more we want from him. But some people get only «tolerable» life partners, they have to be content with little.

Yet the question is not so clear cut. Sometimes the one who doesn’t seem perfect at first turns out to be the most suitable in the end. Often, with age and experience, we learn to see the advantages in what we have, to be content with the choice we have made. As Confucius noted, “At seventy years of age, I was able to follow the dictates of my heart, for what I desired no longer went beyond the boundaries of the righteous.”

«Sufficiency» and maximalism in love relationships

“My husband once said that he rates our relationship 7 points out of 10. When I heard this, I was shocked. Now, 10 years later, I got used to this thought and, of course, I am satisfied with our relationship, ”admitted a woman who has been married for 30 years.

Nobel laureate, economist and sociologist Herbert Simon combined the words «satisfy» (satisfy) and «suffice» (suffice) and coined the term «satisfice» (to be content with little). It means that we make the best decision under the circumstances, rather than looking for the best. Compromise may be the best choice if we take into account the cost of finding alternatives. According to Simon, we do not have much time to look for the perfect option. His ideas are quite applicable to the sphere of love relationships.

Philosopher Harry Frankfurt speaks about the same when challenging the doctrine of economic equality — the idea that everyone should have equal money and property. In his opinion, it is necessary that everyone should have “enough”. People pay too much attention to what others have, instead of cherishing what they consider valuable to themselves.

Frankfurt remarks: “Suppose a man deeply and happily loves a woman who is decent and worthy. It would be strange to criticize him just because we think he could have made a better choice.» A prettier, wiser and richer woman may not suit him if her character and life position do not correspond to his attitudes.

It is not external qualities that are objective and measurable that are important in what is good for you, but the interaction between you and the other person.

Social psychologist Barry Schwartz, author of The Paradox of Choice, divides people into two types: those who strive to achieve maximum results in everything, and those who are «satisfied with little.» Schwartz argues that maximalists are obsessed with the idea of ​​making the best choice, while those who follow the principle of reasonable sufficiency are looking for a satisfactory option.

Transferring this concept to the realm of love relationships, we can say that maximalist romantics are determined to find the best partner possible, while realists are focused on finding the most suitable or good enough partner. Accordingly, maximalists spend more time and effort comparing alternatives, and then, having made a choice, regret it. They tend to be less positive about their decisions than those who live by the «sufficiency» principle.

It turns out that for a full, prosperous life, you need to be content with what you have, not because it is the best. But because it suits us.

Marriage for self-realization

Psychologist Eli Finkel notes that in recent decades, a new type of marriage has emerged in the United States and in other countries, the purpose of which is self-realization (self-expression). Such marriages are distinguished by an attitude towards mutual self-realization and authenticity, and choosing a good enough partner is not considered a mistake.

Finkel argues that there is nothing to be ashamed of in this pursuit: “We can strive for high goals in an ideal marriage, but nothing prevents us from being content with less perfect unions. Constant comparison is detrimental to relationships.”

The ability to live happily with a partner means that we are satisfied with him because he suits us, and not because he is the most perfect person in the world. Accordingly, we are not looking for someone else, we do not expect a partner to satisfy all our needs, and therefore we can enjoy life.

It often seems to us that other people’s relationships are better than ours, but since we compare ourselves with others rather superficially, their choice does not suit us. But when we are content with what we like, satisfaction comes mainly from within.

While we cannot avoid being compared to others, what matters in love is creating and maintaining our own, unique connection. This does not mean that we should not work on relationships. But we will strengthen and deepen our relationship with our current, fairly good partner. As in the story of the pot of gold buried in the garden, sometimes the treasure can be found at home.

About the Author: Aharon Ben-Zeev is a professor of philosophy and former president of the University of Haifa in Israel, and one of the world’s leading experts in the field of perception and sensation research. Author of The Arc of Love: How Our Romantic Lives Change over Time (2019).