It may seem to us that the problems of children are incomparable to ours. But the training loads and our demands wear them out too. How to prevent child burnout and what to do if you encounter it? Psychologist Beatrice Milletre says.
Psychologies: Burnout is a very strong word. It’s hard to imagine that children can feel the same way as adults who are under the pressure of work, financial obligations, and societal standards of success.
Beatrice Millet: The term can really scare. But our children in recent years are really experiencing very strong stress. And it grows every year. Children who are not just stressed come to me for counseling. They are exhausted. This is exactly the same condition that is observed in adults who are exhausted from work. Nervous exhaustion leads to breakdowns and, if measures are not taken in time, to severe depression. We see here the same symptoms, the same vulnerabilities and personality traits associated with risk, as in the case of professional burnout.
What symptoms are you referring to? What should parents be concerned about?
B. M .: There are two distinct phases in burnout. At first, fatigue and tension accumulate, then a breakdown occurs. There is a boundary between them. When the border is passed, the situation becomes very disturbing. The risks of depression increase, there may be suicide attempts or suicidal behavior. Here are the signs of a borderline state:
- fatigue: children feel lethargic and lethargic — in the morning, afternoon, evening, even on weekends and holidays;
- sleep problems (here you can trace the connection with fatigue and nervousness);
- hypersensitivity, irritability and vulnerability: the child is easily brought to tears, he often has flashes of sudden and unreasonable anger; his behavior is illogical, and his reasoning is incoherent (he says one thing, but does another, says something — and immediately contradicts himself);
- unexpected difficulties at school: he becomes inattentive, loses interest in learning, does not understand what he is told, does not trust anyone.
What can be done in this situation?
B. M .: It is necessary to give the child a full rest, organize a sparing regimen for him — as if he had caught the flu or broken his leg. A good rest at this stage can help. You can’t wait for the tension to break out. If you see signs of overwork, let him stay away from school for a while. To prevent the problem from happening again, consult a doctor, ask a school psychologist to observe the child and support him.
What if the border has already been crossed?
B. M .: Then professional help becomes necessary: first of all, medical and medication. Then there is the psychological one. In a state of burnout, the child loses orientation, suffers from a temporary loss of identity. We need to help him gradually restore it.
Why does this even happen to children?
B. M .: There can be many reasons. But they all probably come from the same setup. It does not matter whether it is formed in the family, at school or in the environment as a whole. This is a setup for success. Children are encouraged to strive for unattainable perfection. They are required to show brilliant knowledge in all subjects, to shine in numerous competitions, performances and competitions. They are constantly called upon to «grow up»: to be more responsible, independent, conscious … Their day is scheduled like a minister’s. Parents and teachers control their every step. In this case, the prescriptions of adults may contradict each other. The teacher wants them to understand the material perfectly and requires them to take notes. But in the textbook, the material is written in a complex and confusing language. The child simply does not grasp the meaning, and at the lesson he is scolded for stupidity. He starts to think that something is wrong with him. The more he tries, the more he feels worthless.
Where do such stringent requirements come from?
B. M .: Recent studies show that every second adult is afraid of instability in the future. This fear causes him to drive the child to success in order to save him from problems. But here there is a risk of going too far and dumping our own anxieties on the child. And, again, we often fall under the illusion that school grades will automatically ensure a child’s success. But this connection is far from being so obvious, one has only to look at the number of unemployed with a higher education diploma.
What advice would you give parents to help prevent childhood burnout?
B. M .: Speaking about schoolwork, parents should ask themselves the question: “Why do we want our children to be excellent students?” I think, first of all, the child should learn the basic program to the extent necessary to move to the next grade. Anything above average is an achievement. If we look at academic performance from this point of view, we will be more relaxed about the child’s studies.
Another must-have tip: spend time with your kids. It’s not the quantity that matters, but the quality. Stop constantly teaching them and justifying your detachment. Teach them to choose their favorite occupation — to read, create, explore the world, defend their point of view. In the end, we must learn to cope with our fears and insecurities, set an example for conscious living for children, and not lecture them.