Are children’s problems a reflection of parents’ problems?

“Our son just got out of hand! complains Marina, the mother of seven-year-old Potap. – I brought him to a child psychologist, I thought he would figure it out. And she said that we should go to her together! Like, I have to work! I say: for what reason?! I don’t have any problems!”

Parents are often sure that a child psychologist can “fix” a child and return it to the family “corrected”.

No one can replace parenting

Children’s clinical psychologist Elena Morozova recalls that once she was offered to take a teenager to her for re-education, because in her office he behaved decently and was ready to listen to her, and he constantly clashed with his mother.

“But smaller children are often brought in, hoping that the psychologist will fix everything: press the right buttons, give a magic pill,” says Elena Morozova. – The main thing is that the child becomes the way the parent wants to see him. He does not try to understand the child, does not analyze why he acts in one way or another, does not think how they can learn to feel and interact better with each other. But after all, education is a creative process that requires a serious, thoughtful attitude.

Some parents, on the contrary, come to the appointment feeling a strong sense of guilt, child psychologist Olga Egorova adds: “It seems to them: I am a bad parent, since I did not cope with upbringing. Plus, they are pressured by assessments from society – the condemnation of relatives, friends, teachers.

However, those who believe that they themselves have no problems, and those who blame themselves, are ready to shift the responsibility to a specialist and temporarily transfer to him the right to raise a child. But this is an illusion.

“I explain to my parents: yes, it’s hard for you, it’s hard, but no one will take on your mission of mom or dad,” says Elena Morozova. “Even if you solemnly hand it over to me in front of the child, he will reject it. He will not build these intimate, complex, incomparable and irreplaceable relationships with a stranger.” So, for the sake of children, parents also need to get involved in the process of therapy.

What to do: control or give freedom

Everyone raises children in their own way and makes inevitable mistakes. But even if they cost the child dearly, a professional psychologist will never inspire the parent that he is to blame.

“The feeling of guilt is not constructive and is not useful for either the parent or the child,” emphasizes Elena Morozova. – After all, children read it and begin to manipulate it. What happened, happened, you can’t win back. The parent had reasons to do this, maybe he was not mature enough and understanding at that moment. But now we have the opportunity to fix it. And we need to focus on that.”

Modern parents, our experts note, often go to extremes. Some try to raise an obedient child who would not cause problems for either them or the teachers. But by doing so, they raise a weak-willed conformist who will not be able to defend himself and his position, to take the initiative. “It seems to such parents that the child needs to be regulated and trained. But in fact, it is necessary to understand, direct, empathize and help him to actively develop,” Elena Morozova notes.

Parents often go to the other extreme, who themselves grew up in an environment of strict prohibitions and restrictions on the principle of “nothing is impossible,” continues Olga Egorova. They want to raise their children differently, to raise them free and open. At the same time, they confuse freedom and permissiveness and do not set any limits, but in response they receive whims, disobedience, and aggression.

But it is extremely difficult to realize that the problem is not in the child or not only in him, to see your shortcomings and independently change your educational style. Finally, there are still individual characteristics of the child, which are difficult for the parent to understand.

For example, it happens that a child and a parent do not match in temperament, says Elena Morozova. A quick, dominant mother may feel that her sensitive, imaginative child is very lazy and passive, and this causes her displeasure. And he is forced to defend himself from her pressure and go into his dreams. And vice versa, a balanced, slow mother will have a hard time with an overactive, dynamic child, all the time demanding her attention. Here, a professional look from the outside will help the parent.

Find a foothold and learn how to build relationships with a child

“Often I invite a parent and a child to do what they like together — draw, read, make crafts — and see what hinders their interaction,” says Elena Morozova. – We analyze with the parent what does not work for them and what works for me, what I do so that the child does not be rude to me, does not refuse to do what I suggest, and is not afraid to speak out. And how to make it work for them too.

It is often difficult for parents to raise a child, because they themselves did not receive the experience of openness, empathy, and security from their mothers and fathers in childhood. Nevertheless, this can be learned, says Olga Egorova: “In the course of therapy, it is important to show the parent his area of ​​​​responsibility, but not in order to scold him, but to help find points of support. If the mental health of the child is really important to him, he will overcome his fears, anxieties, and the process of change will begin.

But one should not expect that the restructuring of relations will go smoothly. The child may resist change, Yelena Morozova warns: “Maybe the relationship did not satisfy him before, but they are familiar to him. He could manipulate the parent, and now that has to change. And a child who has suffered greatly can begin to check the parent: do you love me so much? Is it really possible to rely on you? The check is sometimes very tough: both daring disobedience and theft.

And the parent will have to learn endurance, consistency and patience: there will be a positive result – but not as quickly as we would like.

The child is a witness to the conflicts of parents

But sometimes the problems of the child are a projection of the problems of the family. “A family is a system, and if something goes wrong in it, then the most vulnerable member of it, usually a child, suffers first,” says Olga Egorova. – He seems to become a marker of this trouble. But parents often do not want to notice this, because it is easier for all of us to see the problem in another, and not in ourselves. Therefore, the child is taken to therapy, not suspecting that they themselves need it.

So, parents can be sure that the child is not aware of a serious conflict between them, because they never quarrel with him. “But tension still hangs in the air, the child feels it and feels discomfort,” continues the child psychologist, “because what is broadcast in words is not confirmed on a non-verbal level.

The child needs to somehow put it in his head and adapt. How this happens depends on his internal resources: someone will become aggressive, someone will become isolated, someone will get sick – after all, the whole family unites around a sick child. In such cases, family therapy is necessary, or at least individual therapy by one of the parents, the psychologist emphasizes, not counting work with the child himself.

If parents refuse psychotherapy

What if one of the parents agrees to undergo therapy, and the other is categorically against it? This situation is not uncommon, Elena Morozova confirms.

“Most often dad refuses, saying: “We grew up without it, nothing needs to be done, everything will be decided by itself.” She recalls talking for four hours with a father whose daughter was in critical condition due to anorexia: “At first he denied everything, was indignant, but after a couple of hours he began to listen, and in the end we came to the conclusion that he would not condemn and scold the daughter, but will try to support. And he really helped her.”

The most difficult thing is when none of the parents is ready to admit problems and get involved in therapy. Can a psychologist then work only with a child? Olga Egorova admits that she was tormented by this question for a long time. “After all, no matter what I do, the child each time returns to a family where nothing changes, and faces the same difficulties. Won’t all efforts go to waste? Once at the seminar of the famous American psychotherapist Lynn Stadler, I asked her this question.

She replied that she considers it possible to work only with children when contact with parents is not possible: “If a child is in a toxic environment and he has behavioral difficulties, he is withdrawn, aggressive, anxious, then my task is to help him maintain a healthy part of the psyche” .

Olga Egorova follows this example, but never leaves hope to find an approach to the parent: “As a rule, the mother brings the child, and I try, at least in those few minutes when she comes and goes, to talk about how the child is changing, or say something to help her. And it happens that after some time, sometimes after several months, parents still change their position and agree to therapy. And then, of course, it becomes much easier for the whole family.”