Many have elderly parents. And although the retirement age is now moving further and further, the years take their toll: often health and activity are replaced by illness and infirmity. In what cases should care for the next of kin be shifted to others?
To take care of elderly parents or not (and most importantly, how to do it) is everyone’s personal choice. Someone is sure that caring for their “old people” is as natural a necessity as caring for children. Someone thinks that this is not necessary – in the event that personal grievances against parents come to the fore.
“The question of whether children are obliged to care for elderly parents lies not only in the plane of psychology,” explains Kirill Yakovlev, a practicing psychologist, a member of the Association for Cognitive Behavioral Psychotherapy. – It is partly regulated by law.
For example, in Russia, according to the Family Code, adult children are required to support their parents if they are unable to work and need material assistance. This obligation is removed from children only if the parents have been deprived of parental rights.”
The idea that children should take care of their parents is being introduced at all levels – and not just the legislature. Why is this happening? “In developed countries, the state takes care of its pensioners: they have decent pensions, all kinds of benefits,” says psychologist Ekaterina Tikhonova. “Many older people there would rather be in a nursing home than become a burden to their loved ones.
Firstly, this is a good opportunity to communicate with people of your age. Secondly, it is easier to receive professional care. In our country, the situation with nursing homes is much more acute. For most older people, this is a sentence: just look at the conditions in which the elderly have to live.
In addition to the legal aspect, there is a question of ethics and morality
After all, human relations are regulated not only by laws, and help is not only material.
From the point of view of psychology, the question of caring for elderly parents could be formulated as follows: “Do the children want to care? And if they don’t want to, then why?
“Life is a gift that cannot be returned back,” says Ekaterina Tikhonova. – Therefore, ideally, care for parents is based on love, and not on a sense of duty. Parents invest in relationships with children in different ways: some have more time, effort and resources, some have less. But no matter how much a parent gives, if the child feels love in his actions, and not the calculation of a glass of water in old age, then in adulthood he is more likely to return the parent a hundredfold.
Kirill Yakovlev is sure: if a child sincerely wants to take care of his parents, then this will not be an obligation for him: he will do it according to his inner convictions. But if he doesn’t want to?
“There are many reasons why such situations occur: resentment towards parents, lack of a strong emotional connection, selfishness, unwillingness to take responsibility,” explains Kirill Yakovlev. “It also happens that a person simply does not know how to cope with this task, cannot organize the process and in every possible way puts it off until later.”
Really, how can you help? Ekaterina Tikhonova is sure: parents should definitely be asked what they need. “Suppose an adult daughter buys her parents a ticket to Turkey,” says the psychologist. – They have never been abroad, and for them such a trip is a big stress.
The daughter spends a lot of money, but does not feel grateful, which breeds resentment. Parents, in turn, are discouraged: they did not ask for a ticket to Turkey, they wanted a new refrigerator. If you are respectful of your parents’ needs, ask what they lack. Such adult help has a double value than imposing the lifestyle that you yourself think is right.
When making a choice to take care of their elderly parents or not, psychologist Kirill Yakovlev recommends considering the following:
1. Mistakes in the upbringing and attitude towards us on the part of the parents were, are and will be. But this is far from a reason to condemn and ignore the people who gave us life.
If internal problems in relations with parents do not allow us to take care of the “old people”, perhaps when they are gone, feelings of guilt will replace resentment and irritation. It will be difficult to get rid of him – just like finding an excuse for your inaction. So, we risk spending the rest of our days with this feeling.
2. Most of us are parents ourselves and by ignoring mom or dad, in fact, they set an example for the younger generation. In this case, over time, we may find ourselves in a similar situation, when our children will begin to ignore our needs.
3. Caring for parents is not limited to material assistance. Sometimes attention and communication is more important for them. Do not treat relatives formally. With a little warmth and affection, we can feel much better.
4. At the same time, you should not be overprotective. Do not help elderly parents with what they can handle on their own. Doing even the simplest daily chores will keep them fit longer and help them feel better. This will also reduce your load.
5. Do not “carry everything on yourself.” So you quickly burn out and get tired, and caring for your parents will not be a joy. Distribute responsibilities among relatives, family friends, or involve an assistant (assistant). Then you will be able to recover faster, and the social circle of your parents will increase, which will also benefit them.
About the experts:
Kirill Yakovlev – psychologist, member of the Association for Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, author of the book “Get Real!”. His .
Ekaterina Tikhonova – psychologist, head of the psychological center. Her и .