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They are accused of depravity and immaturity, they consider their choice a way to attract attention to themselves … Perhaps our internal conflicts are hidden behind mistrust and hostility: ignorance of ourselves and fear of our own desires.
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“They are drawn to the exotic, that’s why they come up with fun for themselves”, “now it’s fashionable, they want to be in trend: today they are bisexual, tomorrow they are asexual, and the day after tomorrow they are married with children”, “this is just a beautiful excuse, but in reality – banal promiscuity ”… Such opinions about bisexuals are not uncommon.
In relation to them, society does not experience such strong negative emotions as in the case of gays. They are looked at rather like overplayed children, they are not taken seriously. Bisexuals often do not find understanding even within the LGBT community. “It seems to homosexuals that it is impossible to build relationships with such a partner: he will cheat, sooner or later he will enter into a heterosexual marriage,” says Olga Masina, a member of the LuBI initiative group. – Many people think that “bi” means gays and lesbians who have not yet decided. But bisexuality can be an independent orientation, with their needs and their experience of building relationships.”
Because of biphobia, or fear of bisexuals, they feel misunderstood, become anxious and withdrawn, and try to suppress “uncomfortable” desires. “They are often shamefully expelled from homosexual communities in which they try to communicate,” notes Inga Admiralskaya, a family therapist. “But even among heterosexuals, they do not feel at home, they are afraid of being rejected. Their environment tends to think that they need to decide, and as a result, bisexuals themselves begin to doubt: are their desires normal? Often it is these throwings that lead them to the psychotherapist’s office: they hope to find out at least from a specialist who they are.
We are afraid to look into ourselves
Sigmund Freud spoke about the innate bisexuality of each of us. He believed that the final choice occurs in the process of growing up. “What it turns out to be depends on the family, social norms, hormonal background, environment, temperament and personality traits,” explains psychoanalyst and sexologist Maria Tikhonova. — It is impossible to predict the choice of orientation with XNUMX% accuracy».
In the middle of the XNUMXth century, the American biologist Alfred Kinsey suggested that sexuality is not limited to a finite number of options. Rather, we gravitate towards one of the two poles, but we can also be equidistant from them – this is bisexuality. “The vast majority of people can find traces of bisexuality in themselves, even if this is not in their identity and self-image,” confirms Inga Admiralskaya. “They can admire a beautiful body, get turned on by watching scenes of same-sex sex, experience erotic fantasies, have dreams with homosexual plots.”
But why, then, is even the thought of one’s own bisexuality embarrassing? It’s all about the rules that we have learned.
They talk about their attraction to a unique person who means so much more than her gender.
“We are born with a set of opportunities – for example, the ability to fall in love and be attracted to both men and women,” emphasizes Inga Admiralskaya. “Then culture comes into play and uses powerful tools like shame and imitation to force us to ignore some of the possibilities. Under the pressure of social norms, we are forced to somehow deal with our feelings and drives – for example, to hide them from ourselves. But repressed desires sooner or later manifest themselves – for example, in requests on porn sites on homosexual and transgender topics.
Norms give rise to another awkwardness: we are used to defining our feelings towards other people depending on their gender. With some, only friendship is possible, with others – also romantic, sexual relationships. “And bisexuals often talk about love or attraction to a person, to a specific unique personality that means much more than gender,” says Inga Admiralskaya. “I just choose the people I like,” agrees Alexandra, 23. “People, not their genitals.”
We don’t like outsiders
To come to terms with the existence of people of a different orientation, some of us are helped by the idea that homosexuals are not “guilty” of their attraction. They did not choose whom to love – therefore, they cannot live otherwise. But in the case of bisexuals, this logic does not work. Olga Masina shares: “Many people tell us: “Well, gays and lesbians cannot do otherwise, I accept them. But you can. Get better, get back to normal!” But we can’t do it any other way either. We cannot give up our feelings and who we are. If I love a woman, then I will be with a woman, no matter what.
“The same mechanisms are at work here as in the case of xenophobia,” believes Maria Tikhonova. “He who tries to belong to one camp and the other is a stranger. It would be easier for us if everyone had iron principles that work under any circumstances. However, in order to truly experience the sensory realm of life, we will have to give up some notions of right and standard.”
We are not used to seeing them in society
“Being bisexual means being ready to constantly ask, clarify, clarify: it’s like playing a game where no one fully knows the rules,” says 26-year-old Artem. “In fact, it creates a lot of problems in relationships. Sometimes it’s easier to say that you kissed a friend on a drunken bench than to start a long conversation about feelings.”
We learn about the relationship between a man and a woman in childhood from films, books, the Internet, and our own observations of parents and acquaintances. Images of the “talented gay” or “strong and independent lesbian” are less common, but they are already entrenched, at least in Western culture. Bisexuals in this sense have a harder time: the “rules of the game” have not yet been formed. “They lack behavior patterns to rely on, – Inga Admiralskaya notes. “To say that, they say, I am bisexual, like … some famous person, does not work.”
It takes considerable personal maturity to develop your own code of conduct.
And in order to develop your own code of conduct, considerable personal maturity is required. But, according to the psychotherapist, then a person becomes, like Uncle Fyodor, “his own boy” and does not need to meet the expectations of others. For those who are not afraid of rejection or judgment, finding a partner is not so difficult. “My girlfriend, who I have been with for over three years, we met in the rain when she offered me shelter under her umbrella,” says 29-year-old Olga. “We didn’t have any paraphernalia hinting at such interests. It just happened.”
We suspect them of infidelity
“Since I like both men and women, it seems to others that I will definitely cheat: men with women, women with men,” explains Olga Masina. “They don’t understand the difference between me liking someone and what I will do about it.” Maybe such thoughts come to the mind of everyone who doubts a partner? “But if a young man likes both blondes and brunettes, no one begins to suspect him that he will walk from blonde to brunette and back,” Alexandra ironically.
“Bisexuality is the ability to be attracted to people of more than one gender or sex. But the opportunity will not necessarily be realized,” emphasizes Maria Tikhonova. “If a heterosexual man is married to a woman, he may like other women, this does not mean that he will cheat on his wife.” In couples where one of the partners is bisexual, there are no specific problems, Inga Admiralskaya agrees: “If both partners are healthy and not fond of myths, they are aware that either of them can fall in love or be attracted to someone else . This “someone” can be of any gender.”
Irina Panyukova, sexologist: “Women’s libido is different from men’s”
Women are more likely to engage in bisexual behavior because it satisfies their erotic and platonic (non-sexual) desires. In the period of growing up, the libido goes through three stages: platonic, erotic and actually sexual. In boys, as a rule, the transition to the sexual stage occurs very quickly. And in girls, the platonic and erotic periods last longer.
From the point of view of evolution, this makes sense: a woman can first evaluate a partner, and then decide whether to have children with him. Often a girl who is in the stage of formation of an erotic libido cannot fulfill her desires with men, because they are more interested in sex than caresses. And in relationships with friends, satisfying the need for tenderness and intimacy is easier. In addition, a woman understands better what will be nice to another woman.
We don’t want to change anything
Many people are afraid of sexual desire as such, because it cannot be controlled. It does not care about decency, it does not take into account our plans and does not want to obey social norms. But the less we listen to it, the more we lose touch with our true experiences, replacing them with surrogates.
“Change can happen when we return to ourselves those parts of our personality that we ignored,” says Inga Admiralskaya. – From the outside, it may seem that our sexual orientation has changed, but in reality it has come into line with our nature. In the same way, the idea of one’s sexual orientation can be clarified for someone who has positioned himself as a homosexual. Over time, he may find that his desires are wider. Key to this process will be attention to oneself and acceptance of oneself in all its variety of manifestations.
“In the modern world, sexual identity is changeable: some taboos disappear, many manifestations of sexuality become possible,” adds Maria Tikhonova. – During her life, she can make unexpected somersaults. I know women who, having been married for many years, raised children and made a career, chose to link their fate with a friend with whom they discovered a world full of new colors.
Life has many faces, you never know what awaits us around the corner.