Appreciate yourself

Self-esteem is one of the central aspects of our personality. We do not always remember it, just as we do not remember the air we breathe. Don’t remember until it’s enough. We pay attention to this important part of our existence only when we feel offended or when we see that we ourselves unwittingly offended someone.

Self-esteem is an indicator of the psychological state of our “I”. It gives an idea of ​​our capabilities, qualities and place among other people. It is she who shows us whether there are grounds for justifying, praising ourselves in a certain situation. Our emotional state and psychological health in general depend on this feeling.

Hourly Challenge

Daily and hourly (if we are among people) self-esteem is tested. But what do we do in order to still feel “justified” in a variety of circumstances? Consciously or not, we consistently perform two different processes.

We must hear or see what comes to us from outside. This may be criticism of us or some fact: an old friend, for example, did not wish us a happy birthday. This can be hard to accept, and there are many people who have developed extreme blindness to anything that might threaten their self-confidence.

Then we do something equally important – ask ourselves: is this my fault? Having presented all the circumstances that are known, we evaluate ourselves. Sometimes in my favor: “Yes, I didn’t do the job as well as my boss would like, but I did it with a severe headache, and for me it was almost a feat.” Or: “It’s a pity that I didn’t understand earlier that I offended my friend, I’ll definitely call him in the evening.” So gradually we put up with ourselves, even if we make a mistake.

Each of us has a very strong need to feel our own justification – not to fussily justify ourselves to someone, but to rely on a deep, non-public truth about ourselves in order to say: that’s right, now everything is fine, now I can live with this myself further.

Our self-esteem depends both on our own view of ourselves and on the view of other people on our personality. Trying to stop depending on the evaluation of others is pointless. You need to learn how to take it into account and correlate with your own assessment. This everyday reflective work saves from dependence on other people’s opinions, both depreciating and enthusiastic. A mature person can say: I am my own judge in the final instance.

Therefore, self-esteem is both changeable and stable at the same time. Circumstances and occasions are changeable, the habit of considering and evaluating the coming circumstances is stable. In fact, every psychologically healthy person is doomed to engage in this reflection simply because he has a conscience.

Sign of the modern world

Self-esteem becomes a problem for us only because we live among people and others constantly evaluate us. In previous eras, when society’s expectations were more clear and predictable, a person was better protected, he had fewer choices: the son of an artisan became an artisan, Cinderella tales were just fairy tales, and it was clear to everyone who he was and what he could claim.

Now we have more opportunities – and self-determination has become more difficult. In addition, our time forms narcissistic personality traits – largely due to the mass media and advertising. They propagate admiration for a brilliant form, successful stars who have “brought their way through”, those who are better than us, who are special.

The modern Narcissist is a person who has decided that he has more rights than other people. He ignores criticism and skillfully defends himself from it, this is a sign of deformation of his “I”, although outwardly he looks “brilliant”. But he himself suffers: after all, deep inside himself, he knows that he does not own the real truth about himself, that he essentially has nothing to rely on, and all that remains is to experience inner emptiness.

Who is to blame and what to do

Narcissistic traits can be passed on from parents to children, but not through biological mechanisms of inheritance, but through the system of relationships in the family. Children in a narcissistic family grow up with a sense of exclusivity, and already in childhood, the mechanism of healthy self-esteem in them may be distorted. After all, adults say: you are not like everyone else, the teacher is stupid and does not understand such an extraordinary child. But often, confident people are actually very fragile inside, because they are aimed at the recognition of others and cannot live without being the most loved.

Childhood traumas, experiences of dislike, neglect, humiliation are just as severe as the experience of seductive adoration. All this is a heavy legacy for self-esteem. As adults, we spend many years to get rid of this legacy: brick by brick we form our own view of ourselves. And our “inner judge” is often unfair: too harsh, biased. But you can gradually learn to be your own friend – fair and understanding.

It’s never too late to learn to love yourself. This is facilitated by the support of a psychologist, and the experience of success, good relationships with friends, love. Sooner or later, a moment comes when it becomes clear: I have already proved everything to myself, I can stop thinking about my self-esteem, now you can just love. No matter what: mountains, sea, work, their children.

The question “can self-esteem be invulnerable” is as naive as the question “is it possible to have a clear conscience.” Of course not! We are doomed to suffer again and again, not to sleep, to look for an answer. This inner work is not in vain: over the years, we all better understand who we are, what suits us, what we will never do, for any good.

This clarity of understanding gives strength to endure the end of love, failure, unexpected inheritance, new love, fame, old age and, finally, the thought that we are all mortal.