Anxious teenager: how to deal with it?

When I work with parents of teenagers, I always remember an ancient Scottish tale about a woman who meets a mysterious man named Tam Lin at night in the forest and becomes pregnant from him. There, Lin is captured by the fairies, who are about to sacrifice him to the forces of hell.

To save a friend, a woman must throw him off his horse when he rides past her on Halloween night. She would then have to hold him tightly as he transformed first into a lion, then into a huge serpent, then into a raging flame, and finally into a scaly dragon. If she could hold him during all these terrifying transformations, she would free him from the spell.

The old tale is a good metaphor. This is how we should approach any person who is overcome by uncontrollable emotions, be it our child, partner, or ourselves. Let’s break down the basic principles.

Don’t react

The heroine of the fairy tale needs to hold Tam Ling tightly, no matter what happens. She should not be afraid of his terrifying transformations.

When our teenager seems to be turning into a different person and his behavior inspires serious fears (he screams, slams doors, throws things), it is best to remain calm and balanced. Yes, at such moments it is difficult to contain our own anger or fear, but if we manage to do this, we will help the teenager focus on himself, and not also worry about our uncontrolled emotions.

It’s not about you

Let’s say your child, who has always been a good student, became gloomy in adolescence, withdrew into himself and abandoned classes. The ratings got worse. Surely you are very worried about this situation and you are tormented by anxiety, but it will be better if you do not show these feelings to the child.

This does not mean that you need to be silent. It is worth making it clear that if he does not take up his mind, this will lead to appropriate consequences. This is definitely important. But your anguish that he won’t get into a prestigious university is yours. When a child goes through the turbulent changes of adolescence, you should not make him responsible for your experiences – he can barely cope with his own.

Show calmness and confidence

When a teenager is rampant, he does not control himself. Keeping calm and confident, we thereby let him know that no matter what happens, you can rely on us. So the teenager gets the opportunity to throw out his emotions without negative consequences in a safe environment, calm down and become himself again – like Tam Lin from a fairy tale. By providing a safe space to rage, we help teenagers learn the most important life skill – the ability to control their emotions.

To help children cope with their experiences, we must be able to do it ourselves. This is not easy, especially when we live in the same house with teenagers who act like crazy. If parents themselves are tormented by anxiety, it can be especially difficult to contain emotions. Remember that by maintaining calm and confidence, we help children achieve the same.