Anxious family: can a child grow up calm?

When two anxious people meet, their relationship behavior is reactive, especially in stressful situations. They tend to «emotion», resonate, increase each other’s anxieties. The intellectual resource at such moments is not available — until one of the partners regains self-control, and this often takes time.

This «weather in the house» inevitably affects children. We will figure out what anxiety is, how to live with it and how to protect a child from it.

Anxiety anxiety discord

Each of us has “useful anxiety”: in anticipation of danger, we experience certain feelings that help to concentrate, mobilize, rebuild and cope with the situation, adapt to new conditions.

But it happens that the state that should mobilize, on the contrary, “disarms”, leads to a feeling of helplessness and inaction, becomes the cause of procrastination or self-sabotage. Anxiety binds and does not allow even a step to step.

This condition may have various causes. First, situational anxiety associated with specific events is possible. Secondly, it may be a consequence of an anxious nature, and then the excitement does not depend on the situation.

Anxiety as a personality trait

Anxious people are not to blame for their peculiarity, but in today’s world of «positiveness» it can be difficult to admit this to friends and relatives. In the fact that you “get stuck” in heavy thoughts, struggle with feelings of guilt and unfulfillment, worry about minor trifles, and are afraid to think about the future. Because of this, you sleep badly, do your job poorly, and take it out on the children. And even if you try to “correct”, sooner or later, painfully familiar anxiety “covers”.

Anxious people try to cope with their condition simply by avoiding certain situations. They reinsure themselves, foresee, plan, double-check and because of this they constantly experience overload and stress, often get sick.

Different areas of psychotherapy interpret the nature of such anxiety in their own way. Neo-Freudians consider unsuccessful childhood experiences to be the cause of «basic» anxiety, which accompanies a person all his life and affects his relationships. Getting rid of it is not easy, but you can find a way to cope with it.

Behaviorists believe that anxiety can be learned from parents in the process of communication. And in this case, there is a chance to «relearn» — to form a different set of reactions.

Supporters of Bowen’s systemic family theory say that the level of anxiety correlates with the level of differentiation of family members. In anxious families, differentiation is low. This means that in a stressful situation, everyone begins to worry, no one can remain calm and calm others. Anxiety seems to become “contagious” and common to everyone.

A child who grows up in such a family has every chance of becoming anxious in the future, prone to fear of the future, fear of losing control. According to Bowen’s theory, anxiety is transmitted from generation to generation, it will not work to get rid of it — you can only slightly reduce its level. However, it is quite possible to find a way to get along with your own worries and with the anxiety of the family.

But the results of a study of anxious families, conducted by the Institute of Psychiatry, Psychology and Neuroscience at King’s College London, showed that anxiety is unlikely to be transmitted genetically, but is adopted in the process of communication — children seem to be «infected» with parents’ anxiety. At the same time, it is not worth trying to protect children from hardships and failures — it is more useful to support them and allow them to take risks little by little (within the limits of acceptable and taking into account age). This will show them that the world is generally safe and that they can deal with situations that initially cause fear, building self-confidence and psychological resilience.

Thus, the children of anxious parents are not doomed to repeat the «anxious fate», although they have every chance of repeating it.

If you are an anxious parent

First, you need to learn how to deal with your own anxiety. It is best to do this under the guidance of an experienced psychotherapist, as unsuccessful attempts to reduce anxiety can backfire.

The following practices for monitoring and managing anxiety are helpful:

• Anxiety diary. Describe in it exciting situations that happen to you. What happened, how did you react, what did you think and feel? Could you have reacted differently? How? What does it take to learn it? This will help you analyze what is happening and adjust your future behavior.
• Scaling. Imagine a scale from 0 to 10, where 0 is completely calm, and 10 is the strongest anxiety (“fire”, “guard”). Each time you feel anxious, rate yourself on this scale. Write down the date, event, points. So you learn to differentiate anxiety states. Some will turn out to be so “terrible”, while others will be the other way around.
• Creation of a «piggy bank of resources». Observe others, ask how they cope with similar cases. This will help you expand your «behavioral repertoire».
• Calm techniques. Many perceive strong feelings as something inevitable, something that cannot be controlled. However, it is not. Think about what could relieve your anxiety. What words can help? What actions, people, rituals? Where are you calmer?

How to help children?

Since the children of anxious parents are at risk, in addition to working on yourself, use special practices in communicating with the child.

• Handle your child’s fears and anxieties. Yes, it is difficult to listen to children’s experiences and worries — we ourselves begin to worry and try to end the conversation as soon as possible. The child, on the other hand, receives a signal: his situation is so complicated that even an adult cannot emotionally cope with it — where can he himself. It remains only to worry, and better in secret — and this is a direct road to increased anxiety.
• Teach your child to deal with anxiety. Simple ways can help with this: breathing, switching attention, talking, “hugs”.
• Boost your child’s self-esteem emphasize good behavior, reinforce with positive feedback those moments when he managed to calm down, not get excited.
• Check if the requirements for the child are age-appropriate. Often over-demanding creates unnecessary stress.
• Apply muscle relaxation: massage, yoga, warm baths. This is helpful for parents too.

Of course, we cannot change the world overnight, but it is in our power to make ourselves and our families more stable. Why not start right now?