“Answer honestly”: what do they really want to hear from us?

“I want to hear everything you think about it, speak frankly!” a friend asked me in the hope that I would help her clarify a difficult love situation. I did not doubt her sincerity, but nevertheless I tried to speak carefully and even vaguely, and kept silent about some thoughts.

I did not want to repeat the recent incident with my second cousin. She also asked for advice. She seemed to see my benevolence … But she perceived directness as harshness, and my advice as interference in her life. She said she didn’t want to talk to me anymore. Then I spent hours remembering the conversation, thinking of how I could explain everything to her.

Where is this measure, where are the limits of honesty? .. I thought about these questions from all sides until the opportunity arose to ask them to the family psychologist Elena Ulitova.

“It seems to me that “correct” honesty is, first of all, honesty with oneself,” our expert is sure. — It is possible if we consider that our feelings can be ambivalent. Love is sometimes mixed with hatred, pity, anger… Our desire to help a loved one sometimes hides less noble intentions. If we notice this in ourselves, then we will no longer be so surprised that we are misunderstood or even accused of interfering.

How so? Stop asking for advice — and give advice? Keep silent about your opinion? It seems to me that if we have a close, trusting relationship with someone, then we can speak freely … But at the same time, we most often lose sight of our unconscious, Elena Ulitova clarifies: “Consciously, we can have the best intentions, openly informing our neighbor about some information, criticizing or giving advice, unconsciously — to wish at the same time to gain power over him or ease his conscience. In addition, the interlocutor also has an unconscious.

So his attitude towards us can also be ambivalent. How does the other see us, what place does he give us in his life? We don’t know this. Therefore, in personal matters, as in professional matters, it is best to first explore the ground and find out what the other is ready to receive.

Everyone has their own truth

But all the same, what if I think that my frankness, having offended a friend at the first moment, will serve his interests in the future? To speak directly or create a situation in which he will ask a question or guess himself? Take, for example, the knowledge of adultery in a pair of friends. Would you like to talk about it? I would probably prefer the bitter truth, if only not to be a victim of deception.

“Now you say that, but deep down you don’t know anything about it,” the psychologist notes. “Perhaps, once in this position, you would prefer to remain in the dark. Imagine the effect of other people’s words that break your picture of the world and habitual feelings — isn’t this akin to violence?

Except when you make a direct request («Tell me, I’m ready, I want to know»), I think you would appreciate respect for your privacy and for the other to keep knowledge to himself. Let’s remember the words of Fyodor Tyutchev: «A thought uttered is a lie.» Our words reflect our reality, but they can be interpreted differently by the listener.”

He may have a different picture of the situation than the one we tried to describe in words. So, the message “your mother had an accident” can immediately cause the thought of her death and lead to shock.

We must show delicacy: we do not need to shut our mouths for any reason, but we must remember the line that separates honesty from intrusion into someone else’s life.

“Of course, there are situations when it comes to a threat to life or health, physical or mental,” says Elena Ulitova. — For example, you heard the son of a friend, a teenager, expresses suicidal intentions. It is worth telling a friend about this, despite the fact that it will be painful for him to hear it. But even in this case, you need to carefully choose the time of the message and the form in which you make it.

How do you prove it?

Here we touch on aggression, which is often hidden under the guise of honesty. Those who do this readily admit that they are «too direct» and confuse frankness with rudeness. Hence the debate, the participants of which make insulting attacks under the pretext that excessive frankness is better than hypocrisy.

From the point of view of Elena Ulitova, communication of this kind turns into verbal violence. “And it cannot be considered acceptable just because someone is saying something fair and evidence-based. Absolutely fair advice like “you need to do exercises” can cause a negative reaction if it is given with a secret desire to show the interlocutor his imperfection.

It is difficult to admit to myself that behind my intention to benefit another lies a desire to suppress and defeat him. If we’re going to reveal facts to another that we think they need to know, it’s time to stop and think: what do I really want? Show off your knowledge, change a friend’s life for the better, or disturb his peace of mind, in which he is so gloriously, to my envy, settled down?

His familiar world can collapse from this truth. Sometimes it is useful to stop being in illusions. But can we decide this in relation to someone else’s world order?

Honesty and attack are two different things. You can show awkwardness, get carried away, but nothing justifies aggression against another in order to open his eyes. We can be frank without being aggressive. It’s a matter of intent.

“Rudeness is not necessarily a shout,” adds the psychologist, “it can be quiet or even sugary. But it is always associated with an encroachment on someone else’s space.

Recently, a friend recounted to me a conversation with his boss: he consistently humiliated him, and ended with the classic formula: “I want to make a man out of you!” My friend, calling on the remnants of a sense of humor, replied that so far they had made a chop out of a person. Rudeness disguised as honesty is not the best path to humanity, that’s for sure.