possessive love
The first type we will consider is possessive love. Usually it is expressed in the desire of parents to encourage in the child a sense of global dependence on them. Of course, while the child is small, dependence on parents is obvious and absolute. But if, as the child grows older, it does not decrease, then it becomes an obstacle to spiritual development. Many parents, trying to keep their children in obedience, use their parental authority, sometimes even resort to moral blackmail. The mother appeals to the highest feelings of an adult child: “I raised you, I didn’t sleep at night because of you, and in old age there is no one to give a glass of water to.” Such parents look at the child as their own property, believing that they have all the rights to their son or daughter.
As a rule, from an early age, possessive parents set their child up for the fact that he is only their property, which they own undividedly. Raising a small person in this way, they do not prepare him for an independent adult life, do not form in him the need for independence and independence.
Parents should respect in the child the right to be himself, which, of course, does not mean giving up the restrictions accepted in society and allowing him to do what he pleases. It is necessary to encourage the child to think, to be direct, to feel like an independent person who must increasingly take responsibility for his thoughts and actions.
If parents ignore the child’s right to independence, then he can grow up completely subordinate to the parental will, submissive, unable even to realize the right to choose his place in this world. Such people easily become the prey of strong-willed, influential leaders of various criminal or sectarian groups, because they have no will, no independent position in life.
As the child grows older, his relationship with his parents is likely to deteriorate — sooner or later he will begin to take moral revenge on his parents for excessively strong “embraces”, like a vise that squeezed the independent development of his personality, for violence, terror and blackmail.
seductive love
Another kind of improper parental affection is so-called seductive love. It is difficult to talk about this subject, it is a very delicate topic. However, today the problem has become especially relevant, because this phenomenon is becoming more common. Seductive love is an attempt to consciously or unconsciously receive subtle or more intense sexual sensations from touching a child of the opposite sex. Manifestations of this kind include: entering the bathroom to a bathing child (boy or girl) with resistance from his side; spying on growing children when they change clothes; boundless hugs and caresses; situations in which a growing girl sits on her father’s lap.
ambitious love
The third common type of parental attachment is ambitious love. In an effort to satisfy our ambitions through a child, we are trying to realize our own unfulfilled dreams.
One of the most harmful types of ambitious love is the love of a mother who, through the life of her daughter, wants to realize her romantic fantasies, feminine dreams, or professional aspirations. The mother unconsciously tries to achieve her goals, pushing her daughter to such relationships, to such situations in which she herself would like to be. This phenomenon is characterized by the mother’s obsessive interest in the intimate details of her daughter’s life, in her dates with young people. The destructiveness of such a process is obvious: a girl may find herself in a situation for which she is not yet ready due to her immaturity and lack of experience.
Intrusion into the inner world, into the secret of the child under various pretexts such as: “I’m your mother, I want you well. As a more experienced person, I can give you useful advice” — reduces the independence of the child, binds him to his mother (“it was my mother who advised me to marry him”). The person becomes unfree.
A father’s excessive interest in his son’s love affairs can harm not only his son, but also the girl he meets. Under the influence of an adult man, a boy can see in a woman, first of all, an object of satisfaction of carnal passion. In the future, it will be difficult for him to consider a woman a person, the same as himself, a person who has a mind and emotions.
Ambitious love is love with a condition: “If you make my dreams come true, make my dreams come true, I love you. If not, then I treat you differently.” In this situation, the child faces a difficult choice: to live, playing along with his parents in everything, losing his individuality, the possibility of his choice (this may be the choice of a spouse, profession, some hobbies, forms of leisure), or to lose parental love.
Ambitious love is the exact opposite of unconditional parental love, that ideal in which parents love the personality of the child, respect his life choice, even if it does not coincide at all with the choice of parents,
With ambitious love, parents attribute to the child all the perfections for which, with a more sober attitude, there would be no reason, and do not see or hide his shortcomings, forget about them. There is a desire to remove from the child’s path all the obstacles, troubles, difficulties that people of his age usually overcome. “Let our son have a better life than we do,” such parents usually say, believing that their child should be protected from life’s difficulties, freed from those obstacles that they themselves had to overcome in life. He should not be touched by illness, death, or limitation of the will. The laws of nature and society lose their power over him, as if he becomes the center of the universe. “His Majesty Baby,” is how one teacher aptly called the object of ambitious parental love.
Role exchange
Another, fourth, type of parental attachment we will conditionally call “role exchange”. Some parents expect and demand too much from their children. These demands are not only great, but also premature. Such parents treat the child as if he is much older than he really is. The child is not able to fulfill what the parents want from him, and therefore reacts accordingly. It seems that the parents are not quite sure that the children love them and look at the child as a source of support, comfort and love. It is hardly an exaggeration to say that in this case, the parent behaves like a frightened child, looking at his own child, as if he were an adult who can bring comfort and love.
Two essential elements can be distinguished here: high expectations, excessive demands of the parent and, at the same time, neglect of the needs of the child himself, unwillingness to reckon with the limitations of his capabilities, helplessness. There is a serious misunderstanding of who their child is.
Some single parents develop trusting relationships with their children (sometimes as young as ten or twelve years old), similar to those between friends or colleagues. This comes from the fact that there is no one to share their adult problems with, due to loneliness and dissatisfaction with life, life difficulties or financial problems. Single parents sometimes cannot treat their children differently. They perceive them as peers, they want to entrust their personal problems to children who are not yet ready to comprehend what is happening. Such parents strive to become best friends for their children, arrange friendly relations with them, at the same time realizing themselves as standing one step higher.
Sometimes there are extreme manifestations of this behavior: one father took his fourteen-year-old son with him to a drinking establishment in order to make a “real man” out of him.
It happens that parents complain to their children about how “unfortunate, broken by life” They are. In this case, the parents cease to fulfill their parental role, because it is the parents who must satisfy the spiritual needs of the child, and not vice versa. This reversal of roles interferes with the natural psychological development of the child. Parents should be the support for the child. Demanding spiritual support from the child, the parent causes him great harm, destroys his parental authority.
Some believe that children should be their comfort and source of peace of mind. They want the child to “nurse”, calm them down. And if this does not happen, if the little man is busy with his own affairs, they punish him. When a child grows up and refuses to “nurse” his parents until old age, they almost curse the heads of “cruel” and “ungrateful” children who have decided to somehow arrange their lives on their own. Most often, such parents are cruel people, they are quite capable of taking care of themselves,
What can you advise such parents? It is necessary to come to terms with the fact that the child is not able to be a comforter, an established conscious being, compliant and unquestioningly obedient. This is against the nature of a child. If forced to accept this role, he will develop abnormally, with various, possibly severe, consequences.