Children are very attached to pets, and deeply experience their death. It’s even harder if the child feels guilty: “didn’t watch it”, “let him off the leash in vain.” How can you help kids deal with this?
The older my children get, the harder it is for me to talk to them about death. The death of animals is no exception. Our first dog, a friendly Scottish terrier, never bit anyone, but died from someone else’s hatred: he ate a poison planted on the street. My husband and I were away, the children stayed with the nanny and grandmother. On that day, the eldest son, 14 years old, walked the dog. He didn’t really talk about what happened. And three months later, during an illness, he suddenly drew a picture, which he had not done since early childhood: our tape against the background of grass and flowers.
It took a long time before we decided on a new dog. Also Scotch, brave as a true Scot, Ronnie was not aware of his small size and was eager to fight with every male he met. His sworn enemy — a huge alabai — lived in a neighboring yard behind a high fence. Ronnie was already ten, he did not pay attention to snakes, hedgehogs and cats, but he ran up to the treasured fence at every opportunity.
One evening, the children let him run around, and he stuck his nose under the fence … and got it from the Alabai, he had to operate on his jaw. And then he was bitten by an infected tick — in winter! The weakened body failed. The younger children were 10 and 12, and again I was not around, which I could not forgive myself.
And now they had to somehow talk to the children about Ronnie, but they didn’t really want to talk: they were afraid to admit that they let him off the leash for the sake of some kind of game, they blamed each other. The younger one made contact easier, but the necessary words did not come with her son. Until their secret sense of guilt, which had grown to unthinkable proportions, was revealed — in one of the evenings, suddenly, with screams and tears: “It’s you! No you! Tell them! No, I don’t want to, you say!
Shaggy Ronnie stares devotedly from a photo on the wall. We often remember him, sometimes we are sad
There was a difficult nervous conversation. We discussed the role of each of us in this story, our actions and inactions, and how we all hurt, and what could be different and what could not. We mourned him after his daughter, who texted older children at night: “I cry for Ronnie, and you?”
It was the daughter who put the question point-blank: we need a new dog. No, we said firmly. But the daughter was just as determined to win. “And this will be my dog, I will walk with her, and feed, and teach. Tell me as soon as you can.»
Our current dog, white and bouncy, is the exact opposite of the old one. Shaggy Ronnie stares devotedly from a photo on the wall. We often remember him, sometimes we are sad. Recently, new friends have appeared — fish, already in the department of the youngest son.
Have we helped children cope with loss and guilt? Is that self-disclosure, recognition of their own vulnerability, the ability to forgive each other’s mistakes. And the fact that they agreed to the celebration of life.