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While we are arguing about which of the two ways is correct, scientists are talking about something completely different: we need not fight a fit of anger, but change our attitude towards what caused it.
It seems that anger is akin to a fiery dragon that wakes up in us, destroys everything around and flies away, leaving behind a smoking ashes. If we give it free rein, we can pay for it with destroyed relationships, careers and even freedom, because many crimes are committed precisely “in a state of passion”. If we keep it in ourselves, we can get a heart attack or a stroke. Is there a right—and scientifically proven—way to deal with anger?
Bad Thought #1: Trying to Suppress Your Anger
You grit your teeth and say to yourself (or whoever you’re angered at), “It’s okay, I’m not angry.” The good news is that this method really works. In the sense that you do not bring the situation to a fight and a break in relations. But…
Almost always it does not lead to anything good. Yes, you can bottle up your feelings and not look angry. But if you try to fight your feelings, they will only get worse.
Participants in one experiment were asked to recall an unpleasant incident in their lives. At the same time, some of them were given instructions to try not to worry about him. Ultimately, people in this group only got more negative feelings, unlike the others.
In another study, patients suffering from panic disorder had to listen to relaxation tapes (in one case) and audio books (in another). In the first case, the heartbeat of the patients remained high, in the second it decreased.
Suppressing Anger Doesn’t Help Reduce Relationship Tensions
When you try to extinguish a rage, a whole cascade of negative reactions occurs in the brain: your ability to experience positive feelings decreases, and negative ones increase. And your amygdala, the part of the brain associated with emotions, begins to work with a vengeance.
There is another paradoxical consequence: suppressing anger does not help us defuse the situation and reduce relationship tension. In fact, studies show that such artificial restraint only worsens communication.1.
So, the results of experiments suggest that an attempt to “hide” emotions leads to less goodwill on the part of the interlocutors, as well as to an increase in their blood pressure. Those who regularly resort to anger suppression also find themselves avoiding closeness to people and generally developing less positive relationships.
Finally, fighting your emotions uses willpower: as a result, your self-control weakens, which means it will be harder for you to control it next time. Perhaps you will break loose and be rude to the person who accidentally pushed you in the transport.
Bad Thought #2: Let Your Anger Out
Some of you may say: “Of course, accumulating negativity in yourself is harmful and pointless! Let it come out!” Unfortunately, this is not the best idea either. If you give vent to your anger, it won’t go away. On the contrary, it will only increase and devastate you.2.
By focusing your attention on a negative emotion, you will only give it strength and make it harder to resolve it. In the end, this can lead to the fact that you lose control of yourself.
How do you stop anger from escaping? Get distracted by something else. This method works due to the limited resources of our brain. As soon as we redirect our attention to another object, our previous anxiety is reduced. Try to remember the multiplication table and you will soon find that you no longer want to beat that awkward waiter who knocked over a cup of coffee on your dress.
Good idea: change your attitude!
Your boss calls and scolds you for the report you submitted the day before. You feel a wave of anger flowing through your body: this is unfair, because you spent so much time and effort on the report. And now you are already preparing to express to this petty tyrant everything that you think about him …
Wait. What if he himself had been forced to fight with his own management for an entire week in order to keep his employees paid? Or maybe he’s on his nerves because of a difficult divorce? Or was his beloved dog hit by a car? You will probably feel your anger subside when you learn about one of these factors. Now you will even sympathize with the poor fellow …
When you change your assessment of a situation, your brain changes the emotions you feel.
Please note: the situation remains the same. The context in which you experience it has changed. How we evaluate what is happening depends on the position of our inner narrator. He can compose a heartbreaking tragedy about a trip to the store, where you, an innocent and beautiful hero, were overtaken by the rudeness of an insidious saleswoman. But we can tell the same story to ourselves as a sitcom, in the style of Monty Python.
And how does this approach change the situation at the level of neurons? Research shows that when you change your assessment of a situation, your brain changes the emotions you feel. Your amygdala does not activate in the same way that it does when you suppress or express emotions. And it affects everything – you stop wasting energy, improve your ability to self-control and generally feel better.
Individuals who are good at reassessing the situation are more likely to share their emotions—positive or negative—with others, and ultimately have closer relationships with friends and loved ones.
1 Handbook of Emotion Regulation (The Guilford Press, 2013).
2 Ibid.