She knows how to keep calm and self-irony in any circumstances: both at a responsible planning meeting, and at a speech in front of a huge audience, and even traveling around Chernobyl in search of material for a report. Dina Babaeva, editor-in-chief of the Psychologies.ru website, tells how psychosomatics works, why it is difficult for us to resist stress and how to get rid of guilt.
What is fraught with guilt?
Guilt is the most destructive feeling of all. It certainly comes from childhood, like all feelings. “Shameless girl”, “both are to blame for the fight”, “she ate the last cake, but she didn’t think about the elders” – I heard all this from my mother in childhood. And, as my friends say, I got the light version.
Our mothers said this not from evil, they tried to instill in us responsibility and the ability to exist in society
Be accepted by society. They just didn’t know how to do it right. I have spent 28 years meeting the needs of others. When I made a minor mistake in my work and they pointed it out to me, even after correcting the mistake, I continued to blame myself for it: “How could I let this happen?”, “Now I’m not a “good girl”, no one will love me. As our expert and my master Tatyana Vashchenkova says, “a good girl” is wonderful only when she knows her own worth.
What did you do to get rid of this feeling?
The first step I took was to realize that I am not perfect, just like the world. The desire for the ideal is the desire to separate from the world. This is the conflict. The second step: at the moment when I felt guilty, I asked myself the question: “Could I have done differently?” The answer has always been negative. In every moment of life, we do what is best for that moment. This is how the system of spiritual growth works. And if we do not like the act, we accept it as an experience, but do not blame ourselves for it. The third and most important step: I accepted all my feelings without evaluating “bad” or “good.” When I get angry it’s me, when I say hurtful things it’s me, when I hang up the phone it’s me too. As soon as we recognize the possibility of the existence of anger, envy, anger and other blamed feelings as part of ourselves, they cease to manifest themselves.
It is also useful to make special planners, where various useful actions will be noted that will help achieve inner harmony, get rid of stress and tension of everyday life. Therefore, I was glad when I was invited to createwithin the framework of the special project “Oriflame” “100% YOU”. First you need to pass a small test and determine how your daily lifestyle reveals your potential. Then fill out a planner that will help you make time for yourself and do something truly enjoyable every day: relaxing meditation, home spa treatments, self-development exercises and much more. After all, it is so important for each of us to feel harmony within ourselves!
It is generally accepted that anger and irritation are harmful to health … How to extinguish negativity in yourself?
I completely disagree with this statement. Being angry and annoyed is not only not harmful, but it is also necessary for emotional and physical health. “Extinguish” means not to live through the emotion, crush, pinch. All these false affirmations: “Pull yourself together, you are strong” – this is just “extinguishing”. Any squeezed emotions and feelings are immediately reflected in the block in the body. We may not feel this until the amount of accumulated “extinguishing” of emotions develops into a serious sore in the body. Psychosomatics speaks about this. Anger, irritation, anger, aggression are emotions that we need just as much as love, joy, pleasure.
So why not deal with negative emotions?
You can’t get rid of them. But we can reduce the number of situations to which we react this way. Imagine that your boss, husband (wife), girlfriend is yelling at you. At the moment, we turn on the defense mechanism: anger, anger, aggression. It’s good if you have the opportunity to get out of the “screaming” field of vision until he calms down. If this is not possible, take a deep breath and hold your breath for as long as you can, and then exhale calmly. This is how the system reboots. They shout at you, and you seem to be watching what is happening from the side, anger gradually spreads through the body and disappears. You did not crush this feeling, did not splash out on the one who is opposite, but only removed the heat, which usually leads to scandals. When the acute period passes and you are left alone, the emotion must be analyzed.
How to do it?
View the situation as if it were a movie. Admit how you felt: resentment, guilt, anger, and so on. Ask the question: “Why did I feel this way?” Keep the focus on yourself, not the person. Then another question: “Where else have I felt it?” It is better to perform this exercise with your eyes closed and in silence. Don’t try to come up with an answer. If you start thinking, the mind will look for similar situations, and the task is to see where else you experienced this particular feeling, this emotion. When the unconscious gives the answer, move into this situation mentally. Notice the feeling, do not intensify or suppress it. Just watch. Say to yourself: “I see, I accept, I thank for the experience, I let go. I choose to react differently.” Looks like magic, but it works. Checked.
How to deal with stress? Share life hacks.
We think that stress is a negative state. But often a resource is hidden in a state of stress. I’m talking about a short-term stressful state when you need to quickly do something important: prepare a presentation for investors, protect a project. But these periods should be followed by a long-term recovery period: calm and, perhaps, routine work. Long-term stressful conditions lead to emotional burnout. I experienced similar conditions. For more than a year and a half I have been practicing regular meditation – in the morning and in the evening. After a month of practice, I noticed that I experience stressful periods more easily. This is the effect of meditation. Its essence is awareness. You can start by simply going to sleep through meditation. You can use ready-made recordings on YouTube. Do not be afraid if you fall asleep, the processes continue outside of consciousness. You can simply lie on your back, close your eyes and mentally name the parts of the body from the bottom up, trying to feel each of them. And so on until you reach the crown. This is the inclusion of attention in the body.
Often, after strong overloads, the body relaxes – and at this moment stress covers us. How to learn to rest in such a way that it is beneficial, and does not provoke nervous breakdowns?
We often confuse rest with a change of activity. So, when we come home after a busy day at work, we turn on a series or go to YouTube. Or another option: meeting with friends. But all this is just a change in the information flow, and not a rest. A good rest happens only when a person is left alone without external stimuli. For at least an hour every day after returning home, I do stretching, meditation, reading a book (during reading, unlike watching TV shows, other areas of the brain are activated, relaxation occurs) or just washing the dishes – this is also a kind of meditation, if this is not annoying. I turn off the phone at night and turn it on only the next day on the way to work. Morning is a precious time to set up for the day ahead. It should be limited from news, events, people from the outside.
Top 5 good habits to deal with stress?
I always give the first place to meditation. The second is physical activity. Only not with the aim of losing weight or gaining weight, but with the aim of starting metabolic processes in the body. The optimal physical activity that clears the head and heals the body is walking. I walk at least ten kilometers a day purposefully. Stretching, swimming, yoga are also suitable. The third is an hour alone with yourself every day. Disconnection from everything, in silence. Contemplation of what is around. A moment of inactivity, no movement. Fourth, newness every day. New routes, new things. By adding something new to life every day, we avoid routine. Fifth, pay attention to your own feelings. Stop blaming others, look at them as a lantern that shines on what you need to work on.
How to avoid “out of sync” in a pair?
Do not enter into a relationship with someone with whom you are initially out of sync. Most disputes, quarrels, squabbles leading to partings and divorces are expected. People enter into relationships to satisfy the needs for care, affection, and so on, not allowing each other to live their lives. Hence, discord occurs over time. As for those who are already in a relationship, speak, pronounce what you need. The young man and I agreed that I needed to be alone from time to time. He accepted it. It became easier for us, the quarrels were gone. When it comes to a full-fledged family with children, you can use the method that my good friend practices. She and her husband have two children. They have been married for ten years. Every morning they have a tea party together. They wake up an hour earlier than the guys, drink tea and talk. According to her, this practice helps them a lot to keep in touch. And judging by her contented face, she’s not lying.
Dina Babaeva on Instagram @dina_babaeva